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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up a good job to be a SAHM?

169 replies

RosieAway · 05/03/2019 15:58

My job is good, decent pay, not my passion but it’s easy-ish money. BUT as I left on mat leave so early (due to high risk pregnancy) even with hols tacked on, my baby will only be 10 months when I’m due back.
I’m not young, baby was a long time coming and I enjoy looking after her. Partner earns enough to cover us, BUT we’re not married and it’s not a 100% rock solid relationship lately
So AIBU to give notice on my job? They will let me freelance, but that’s kissing goodbye to security. However I don’t want to have waited and tried years for my baby only to let someone else look after her at this age.
Seems like I’m damned if I don’t, damned if I do Confused

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 06/03/2019 07:19

Don’t OP
It’s too insecure
And your baby won’t even remember it most critically ! Only you will Smile

My first memory is from 3 years old

Be very careful as with brexit , uncertainty it’s always better to work and manage around it

Happyspud · 06/03/2019 07:19

I can only tell you what I’d do. And I absolutely would not give up my job in your circumstances.

Loopytiles · 06/03/2019 07:24

“They’re only young for a short while”. People almost never say this to fathers.

Mothers are likely to be of pension age and reliant on our pension - or sharing our H/ex’s the state, and wouldn’t count on that - for a LONG while.

buttertoff33 · 06/03/2019 07:42

Partner also not able to do drop offs or pick ups

of course he is. he just doesn't want to. and you know this. If a child is at nursery/childminders, one is not bound to the 9-3 school hours but can drop off much earlier and collect much later.

You are not in the deeds, he is already chickening out when it comes to taking responsibility for your DC.

Don't give up your job. Cut hours if possible but don't leave.

and check out childminders if nurseries are full.

Uptheapplesandpears · 06/03/2019 07:49

So he would be happy for you to inherit should he die

We hope. That will could easily have been changed without OP knowing.

Cookit · 06/03/2019 07:50

*Partner also not able to do drop offs or pick ups

of course he is. he just doesn't want to. and you know this. If a child is at nursery/childminders, one is not bound to the 9-3 school hours but can drop off much earlier and collect much later.*

But generally still only 8-6, or if you’re exceptionally lucky 7.30-6.30. These hours simply don’t work for a lot of people.
8-6 works for me because I have a 9-5 job only, a lot of people don’t or they have longer commutes. My STBDH is not lying when he says he is unable to do drop offs or pick ups, he starts work at 6.30.
Sometimes not everything can work 50/50.

Loopytiles · 06/03/2019 07:51

True, he could change his will at any time.

“Not able” to do drop offs? “Not willing” more like. Don’t be a mug OP.

TowandaForever · 06/03/2019 07:53

I gave up work and have really lived to regret it. Don't do it.

LondonBelongsToMe · 06/03/2019 07:56

Don’t give up the job
You’re making yourself vulnerable because the pair of you don’t like the logistics of dealing with work and childcare. Given the journey you’ve had, it seems bizarre that it’s only occurring to you both at this stage what lookinga after a small child and working involves. Since you have such a short timeframe to deal with this, if your work won’t give an additional 2 months, you will probably find that hiring a nanny for the interim is going to be the most feasible in terms of availability (nurseries and childminders have waiting lists), but also the most helpful terms of a mental and practical transition for you. In fact, if you both earn enough, it sounds like having someone one on one in your own home will ease some of your anxieties about leaving your baby.

BackinTimeforBeer · 06/03/2019 08:07

I'm a SAHM - my dh earns a lot and we have a very strong relationship but were I to advise my dd I would say get married before you get pregnant, don't give up you career, go part time if you want, keep paying into your pension and do no leave yourself financially vulnerable. I am fine but that has been luck more than anything!

Dungeondragon15 · 06/03/2019 08:26

If you have a good career and well paid job it would be a really bad idea to give it up even if you were married. In the long term whether or not you are a SAHM will be of little if any benefit to your child whereas it could be very detrimental to you in terms of your earning potential and future security.

Vulpine · 06/03/2019 08:34

Loopytiles - true they rarely say that to fathers but I think I got the good end of the deal by being able to be a sahm.

schoome · 06/03/2019 09:11

Get married. I've recently quit my job but we have twins and i didnt like my job/pay and progression were poor. I think of this as temporary , for another 2 years or so. I enjoy being a sahm but wouldn't do it forever. Good luck to you. You need security though, get married! It makes me angry that he hasn't asked you. I'm old fashioned.

takeitorleaveitlove · 06/03/2019 09:22

Don't do it

Original poster
RosieAway · 06/03/2019 09:24

Thanks all. Loads of excellent advice. Makes for depressing reading though, albeit a massive reality check.

Yes in hindsight we should have got married before having a baby, but long-term infertility and IVF just took over and became the priority. And is probably what damaged the relationship.

I hadn’t thought I’d want to stay at home before I had the baby, that’s why it’s all so last minute. And the point is, I want to return to work, just a year later. However that seems too risky in case there’s no job to be found then. It’s not a massively well paying job or a great career, and I’ve been freelance for a lot of my working life.

To be honest, and I know it’s not the PC attitude to have, I will be utterly heartbroken to leave my baby while she’s so young. I find looking after her more fulfilling than my job. I’m mid-40s, she’ll be my only child. I have cherished every single moment with her.

The other issue is that I only earn about 10-15% more than the cost of childcare. Seems my biggest problem is my relationship. He’s now shirking off the idea of marriage or anything that gives me any concrete security. Yes he’s unbelievably selfish and the worst kind who thinks he’s super-generous by giving me a roof over my head and random one-off bits of money.

I’m angry with him and more so with myself for getting into this position. So yes, I won’t be giving up my job until something changes there.

OP posts:
schoome · 06/03/2019 09:27

What a twat. You're better off on your own.

LondonBelongsToMe · 06/03/2019 09:38

childcare isn't just your cost - presumably your joint earnings cover it comfortably?

flyings0l0 · 06/03/2019 09:46

The other issue is that I only earn about 10-15% more than the cost of childcare

is childcare your cost only? it should not be but is a household expenses! does your DP not contribute to it?

HungryForSnacks · 06/03/2019 09:49

If you were to give up your job, please make sure your partner has a good Life Insurance policy and ensure you're the beneficiary.

Sorry to be morbid but it can happen

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 06/03/2019 09:53

I am part time. My career is shafted but I can kick back up if I need to. I’m paying into my pension.

I’m married and the house is in joint names. My DH earns good money is supportive.

But the thought of not working makes me feel vulnerable.

Take a hit for a while by going on the mummy track but don’t chuck it.

Babdoc · 06/03/2019 09:53

OP, as I think you are now realising, you don’t have a work/sahm problem, you have a DP problem.
Please get professional financial advice, have yourself added as joint mortgagee, and don’t even think of giving up work or your pension contributions.

O4FS · 06/03/2019 09:54

How would you support yourself if you took time off?

Will you be beholden to his kindness and generosity?

Home/pension/money. Iron all these things out and then it could be possible.

Alternatively, you could take the time off and if and when things turn to shit you’d be on your own anyway supporting yourself anyway. Your career/work opportunities might take a hit but that’s the compromise isn’t it?

I was an (unmarried) SAHM for 10 years, wouldn’t have changed it.

Am now a (divorced) single parent, wouldn’t change that either.

But I had to get married to split up IYSWIM?

pineappletower · 06/03/2019 09:55

Is there any scope to take a career break?

You'll get lots of different answers on here, but I know I would struggle to go against my strong gut feeling about not wanting to return but that's my personality type, people who are more logical will think more practically and rationally. Do you have family support/a safety net?

outpinked · 06/03/2019 09:57

I wouldn’t. You have said your relationship isn’t solid and you’re unmarried so it’s not worth the risk. If you split then what will you do? Be a single mum on benefits? I’m not griping at women who are but I doubt many of them want that life and it will be a stark difference to the life you have now.

You have no financial protection if your relationship falls apart and you have said you’re not young so finding an equally well paid job with a baby in tow may be difficult. Don’t risk it.

pineappletower · 06/03/2019 09:57

Also, if you would rather have a different career, being a SAHM for a few years can give you the opportunity to retrain as you'll have been used to living on one salary.