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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up a good job to be a SAHM?

169 replies

RosieAway · 05/03/2019 15:58

My job is good, decent pay, not my passion but it’s easy-ish money. BUT as I left on mat leave so early (due to high risk pregnancy) even with hols tacked on, my baby will only be 10 months when I’m due back.
I’m not young, baby was a long time coming and I enjoy looking after her. Partner earns enough to cover us, BUT we’re not married and it’s not a 100% rock solid relationship lately
So AIBU to give notice on my job? They will let me freelance, but that’s kissing goodbye to security. However I don’t want to have waited and tried years for my baby only to let someone else look after her at this age.
Seems like I’m damned if I don’t, damned if I do Confused

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 05/03/2019 19:48

I'm curious, did he already own the house before you got together, or did he buy it after you were already in a relationship?

It's not just a break up you need to consider, what if one of you dies? Does he have a will and are you a beneficiary? Would your DD inherit his house and other assets and if so would you be the trustee or would you have to get permission to use the inheritance for her benefit (eg moving house and other things)?

Vulpine · 05/03/2019 19:50

Although it is rather nice to be at home when your kids are little. They're only young once. It something I have no regrets about.

MRex · 05/03/2019 20:19

Everyone has a different situation with earnings, risk to future earnings and relationship. I'm the high earner in our relationship, so it's a risk for us too for me to be off work and using up savings for another year at home with DS. The thing is though that he really only is this little for a short time and it's what I want. I've done some bits of work from home for one client (while DS is with DH), kept in touch with another who wants me to work there again and is happy to wait a year or so; to me that keeps down the future employability risk. (Actually I increased my rate to fit in the part-time work at home now, but I recognise that's because I'm a cheeky cow.) Worst case for us is that I would earn less when I go back, so for a few years I'd have to do more hours; in our situation trading off time when he'll be at 2/3+ age nursery then school against time now is a no-brainer. If we split up then there would be an asset issue with the house so I'd need to go to work then for the new mortgage, but that's only if we split. We could also lean on either set of parents in an emergency screw-up. So that's our situation, it's not yours and I'm comfortable with the workarounds; you'd need to be comfortable with yours to take the time off. What are your prospects if you had 2 years off, could you get something paying enough to live on? Would it be feasible for you to work part-time just a few hours here and there for the sake of your pension contributions and your CV? What's your industry and role like for needing "current" knowledge? You're older, so are you sure you aren't worth more freelance, maybe this is the push you need there?

Original poster
RosieAway · 05/03/2019 20:21

AnotherEmma I guess I want to feel like I’m contributing/maintaining independence but you're absolutely right and I had the realisation it was stupid so pointed it out and he’s given me some money now. The fact that I had to point it out though, I mean where did he think the money was coming from?

Morgan12 Yes that is my thinking too. I struggled for years with IVF, absolutely adore her and feel like I’ve already had my career. And anyway, I don’t want to stop working forever!!

OP posts:
SingleMumFighting · 05/03/2019 20:29

I would say yes to staying at home if you were married. Otherwise you will be in a vulnerable position and not covered legally, for example have rights to your partners pension..etc.

Original poster
RosieAway · 05/03/2019 20:30

MRex Very good points! Thank you

AnotherEmma He bought the house when we first got together but has been weird about me not going on the mortgage. However he did do a will and I’m the sole beneficiary. Marriage would solve a lot of these questions. Doesn’t seem right that there’s no such thing as common law wife...

Vulpine Yes I know, good to hear

PooStories So sensible. Mine is all over the shop

OP posts:
KellyMarieTunstall2 · 05/03/2019 20:34

Could you extend your leave by a few months unpaid then work part time and increase to full time when your DC is 3?
I completely appreciate the fact that you've waited and want to be there, but if things are rocky you don't have any security.

JustHereForThePooStories · 05/03/2019 20:34

However he did do a will and I’m the sole beneficiary

He can change that at any time without notifying you.

Doesn’t seem right that there’s no such thing as common law wife...

What makes you say that? Marriage is a legal arrangement, and it’s a fairly common thing to do. It’s also inexpensive compared to the benefits- should be less than £200 if you stick with a registry office.

Original poster
RosieAway · 05/03/2019 20:55

KellyMarie Yes that would be ideal. I’m going to ask HR about the unpaid two months as someone else also suggested

OP posts:
O4FS · 05/03/2019 21:03

RosieAway - I got married because XH (note the X) held all the cards. We already had the DCs, house in his name, he was the high earner, me the SAHM.

Not romantic but very sensible.

Otherwise, get some equality in your relationship, get your name on the deeds and keep your hand in with work.

Mummyto2munchkins · 05/03/2019 21:15

Hi OP, with my first I wanted to be a SAHM too, dreaded the thought of going back.

Looked around for nurseries and did return. I loved being back and wondered why I even thought about leaving. DC1 LOVES Preschool, she's come on so much from being there. Currently on maternity with DC2, not wanting to go back but I am, and I know once I return I'll wonder what the fuss is about.

Perhaps you could ask for a flexi shift upon your return and get the best of both worlds? Still work but also have a bit more time off?

Holidayshopping · 05/03/2019 21:19

He bought the house when we first got together but has been weird about me not going on the mortgage.

A few alarm bells are ringing here! You’d be mad to give up work in your situation!

Purpletigers · 05/03/2019 21:20

In your circumstances there’s no way I’d give up a secure job . You’d make yourself incredibly vulnerable .

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 05/03/2019 21:35

I did it and don't regret it for a second. I am married though and wouldn't have considered it if I wasn't.

GrumpyMummy123 · 05/03/2019 21:35

I did. Best decision ever. Particularly also took us a long time to have him and now extremely unlikely we'll be able to have a 2nd. I feel like every day is precious and don't want to miss out on his childhood. When I was working I was pretty much counting the minutes to be back with him again. I think I'd have ended up having some sort of breakdown from the stress of the work/nursery/work/ regular life/work conveyer belt....
I work a little bit self employed after leaving work, but even now he's at school and I've got a regular (yet flexible) part time job I still couldn't bring myself to go back to full time, or even a part time full day office hours job.

It's certainly not an easy option, but the pressures for me are more easy to manage.

However, I'm in a very stable relationship and it was a joint decision that my husband was happy with and is fine to be supporting the whole family. We talked about it alot and made agreements about how it'd work, financial set up with joint account, personal spends, what I would do and not do in reshuffling of household chores (I was not going become some 1950's domestic housewife with dinner on the table ever night and hoovering under his feet while he smoked a pipe etc).

Depending on what you mean by not a 100% rock solid relationship would be the thing. How happy is he to be the only financial income? Can you agree how the practicalities will work?
If you have doubts about if he might get resentful of supporting you, or start to be financially controlling of you - don't do it. I think it takes a lot of trust and understanding for 1 breadwinner to be happy supporting the other.

Barbie222 · 05/03/2019 21:35

No I wouldn't give up work. I'd be a bit concerned about carrying on as you are if I wasn't on deeds of house either.

Uptheapplesandpears · 05/03/2019 21:44

I wouldn't give up work even if I were married, if I were you. It'd be better than nothing, but your partner sounds pretty sus.

AnotherEmma · 05/03/2019 22:29

"He bought the house when we first got together but has been weird about me not going on the mortgage."
OK so he doesn't want to give you a share in his home and he's happy for you to have no legal right to live there. Nice.

(Bit late now, but why would you have a child with someone who doesn't even want to share legal ownership of a house with you?!)

"Doesn’t seem right that there’s no such thing as common law wife..."
There is absolutely no need for "common law marriage" when actual legal marriage is an option!

I still don't think you should marry him though, you should go back to work.

You haven't told us what the relationship issues are but based on the mortgage and finances, he sounds selfish.

Gottalovesummer · 05/03/2019 22:39

I gave up a career to stay at home. No regrets at all. We have a joint mortgage and joint bank account/life insurance so everything felt equal. I had paid a lot into the house when we bought it.

I went back to work when my children started school. I never ever regretted being at home with them. But be very aware that you'll almost certainly never have the same career/job as before.

I love my job now but earn probably half of what I earned before with less benefits.

Still no regrets though.

SmallAndFarAway · 05/03/2019 22:48

"No-one lies on their death bed wishing they had worked more. They are little for such a short time."

I've seen quite a few people on here regretting leaving their well-paid career when their relationships subsequently broke down, though.

Depending on the company rules for SMP, you can always go back and then hand in your notice, right? I don't see why you would even mention to work that you may not return now - why restrict your options?

AlexaShutUp · 05/03/2019 23:20

No-one lies on their death bed wishing they had worked more. They are little for such a short time.

I often see comments like this on here. However, I don't know if it's true. She is not on her death bed, yet, thankfully, but my own mother has spent the best part of the last four decades wishing that she hadn't given up her career to be a stay at home mum for dsis and me. She bitterly regrets having made the choice to quit work, because she feels that she wasted her opportunities, talent and potential. Who knows what she will think about in her dying days, but frankly, I'm more concerned with how it is affecting her right now.

Itswinternow · 05/03/2019 23:31

I would give work up 100 times over. They're not little for long and you can never get this time back with them.
Fwiw I'm not married either, however very stable relationship and co own our house. Whether that makes a difference or not.

RomanyQueen1 · 05/03/2019 23:38

Why is he weird about sharing the mortgage?
red flags and bells here, or what?
You need a home too, why is it only his?

whywhywhy6 · 06/03/2019 02:26

I can't tell you what to do or feel but there is no way I would give up my job under any circumstances, including yours.

Loopytiles · 06/03/2019 07:16

So he would be happy for you to inherit should he die, but should you break up (and more than half of cohabiting couples do) he’d give you none of his property. So you know where you stand.

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