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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up a good job to be a SAHM?

169 replies

RosieAway · 05/03/2019 15:58

My job is good, decent pay, not my passion but it’s easy-ish money. BUT as I left on mat leave so early (due to high risk pregnancy) even with hols tacked on, my baby will only be 10 months when I’m due back.
I’m not young, baby was a long time coming and I enjoy looking after her. Partner earns enough to cover us, BUT we’re not married and it’s not a 100% rock solid relationship lately
So AIBU to give notice on my job? They will let me freelance, but that’s kissing goodbye to security. However I don’t want to have waited and tried years for my baby only to let someone else look after her at this age.
Seems like I’m damned if I don’t, damned if I do Confused

OP posts:
O4FS · 06/03/2019 10:02

It’s probably worth looking at entitledto.com to investigate what would happen if it goes tits up. It gives you info on working tax credits etc.

But I do agree that it isn’t your situation that’s the problem - it’s your DP.

maras2 · 06/03/2019 10:06

Did he share the cost of your IVF rosie?

AnotherEmma · 06/03/2019 10:13

"Seems my biggest problem is my relationship. He’s now shirking off the idea of marriage or anything that gives me any concrete security. Yes he’s unbelievably selfish and the worst kind who thinks he’s super-generous by giving me a roof over my head and random one-off bits of money."

Wow. Got yourself a catch there Confused

I suppose if you really want to give up work and be a SAHM, your choice is to stay with a selfish man and accept huge financial inequality in your relationship, or end the relationship, claim universal credit and find somewhere else to live benefits (social housing or private rented accommodation with a landlord that accepts benefits).

Or go back to work and hang on to your financial independence and dignity!

AnotherEmma · 06/03/2019 10:14

Just to clarify my comment about dignity was not meant to be judgemental, it just doesn't seem that your partner is treating you with respect atm and I would hate that.

Dungeondragon15 · 06/03/2019 10:23

I currently work part time and then make up the difference with free lance work. It makes things more flexible although I probably wouldn't even do that if I wasn't married.

acciocat · 06/03/2019 10:33

Can you reduce your hours so that you’re not giving up your career/ pension contributions completely? I returned to work pt when my dd was 3 months, this was before lengthy maternity leave, so 10 months is fine. No way would I give up work completely

ElspethFlashman · 06/03/2019 10:40

So

If he's shirking the idea of marriage, perhaps register the child alone. That means only your name can be put on it.

If you were married his name would automatically be on the birth cert but if unmarried he has to be physically present.

I would generally advise doing it alone and leaving it blank if my relationship was on rocky ground. That signature confers parental responsibility which is a massive legal thing which you may be glad to not have to deal with at first should you (god forbid) become a sole parent.

It doesn't mean the name can't be added on at a later date.

SilverBirchTree · 06/03/2019 10:45

Don't give up your job. You're not married and your relationship isn't 100%.

Can you ask work to extend your return date instead?

NeverTwerkNaked · 06/03/2019 10:46

Is working part time not an option? That has felt like the perfect balance to me.

juneau · 06/03/2019 10:48

Flowers for you OP. I understand why you're so keen to stay at home and cherish the early months with your DD. Please don't give up your job though. Your DP is offering you no security and without marriage you could find yourself homeless if you split up. You need to keep working for your own security and safety as your last post about your DP's attitude is really quite worrying. In all honesty, I think you should look for a better paid and more secure job, if you can.

BlueSkiesLies · 06/03/2019 10:48

I REALLY hope you haven't given the baby his surname...

AnotherEmma · 06/03/2019 10:53

Elspeth
OP has to decide whether to return to work this week - her baby is much older than 6 weeks so she will have registered the birth a long time ago.

ElspethFlashman · 06/03/2019 11:23

Oh I'm sorry, my mistake, I thought she was about to give birth. My bad.

Dungeondragon15 · 06/03/2019 11:23

I REALLY hope you haven't given the baby his surname...

Why would that matter?!

Howzaboutye · 06/03/2019 11:26

Financially go back to work.
Absolutely.

bibliomania · 06/03/2019 11:47

As a single parent to an 11-year old, I'm so, so glad I kept working. From the sounds of it, if you did split up, your dd's father would be looking to pay the minimum child maintenance, if that. It's no joke trying to raise a child on your own in poverty. You're caring for her in a different way by earning.

flirtygirl · 06/03/2019 12:00

Dungeondragon15 it matters because by putting them on the birth certificate when not married, gives them parental responsibility. This gives legal rights which in the event of a split could mean you cannot move or go abroad on holiday easily. And other things but those are the 2 most common problems.

Littleraindrop15 · 06/03/2019 12:15

I'm confused à little are you happy to be with your partner that you want to marry him genuinely.

Or

Are you just marrying him to divorce him for money? Surely if you don't see yourself with him why go through motions?

Have you tried to speak to your partner if he is willing to support you if you don't return to work for another year he might actually want to do that..

Shelbybear · 06/03/2019 17:14

If part time is an option go for it. Not sure I wld go back though if u have to go back full time and don't earn a lot more than childcare costs.

I dreaded going back after Mat leave. She was also 10 months old. I cried a lot the week before starting back.

Honestly though, it was nice to get a hot cup of tea and some adult company. I only do 3 days per week and ideally I'd like to do 2 but my work would not agree to that. I do one day in the office then one day off. Means I'm not away from her for more than a day at a time. I have a great work life balance.

Original poster
RosieAway · 06/03/2019 18:53

Thanks all, I’ve proposed working 2-3 days and also extending my return date... yet to hear back.

No I don’t want to get married only to get divorced, I want to sort things out and the inequality in our relationship is a massive issue now we have a child.

He is actually saying do whatever, but isn’t that interested in discussing details and all eventualities. If anything is increasingly suspicious about my new desire to get married.

Would I really be left in poverty without being married though, given he earns a lot and owns more than one property?

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/03/2019 18:54

"Would I really be left in poverty without being married though, given he earns a lot and owns more than one property?"

Yes

You'd get child maintenance from him and that's it.

AnotherEmma · 06/03/2019 18:57

Did none of these questions occur to you before?

ElspethFlashman · 06/03/2019 18:57

Yes

He would be obliged to pay child maintenance.

Sweet fuck all to you.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/03/2019 19:00

What's rocky about the relationship? That's worth considering - even more so if he's keen for you to be SAHM because he thinks that means he gets a domestic servant...

ReanimatedSGB · 06/03/2019 19:04

Oh dear. You definitely can't give up work: this man has got things set up so that he can just turf you out when he decides he's bored and wants a new woman...