To give up a good job to be a SAHM?

[RosieAway]

My job is good, decent pay, not my passion but it’s easy-ish money. BUT as I left on mat leave so early (due to high risk pregnancy) even with hols tacked on, my baby will only be 10 months when I’m due back.
I’m not young, baby was a long time coming and I enjoy looking after her. Partner earns enough to cover us, BUT we’re not married and it’s not a 100% rock solid relationship lately
So AIBU to give notice on my job? They will let me freelance, but that’s kissing goodbye to security. However I don’t want to have waited and tried years for my baby only to let someone else look after her at this age.
Seems like I’m damned if I don’t, damned if I do

AnotherEmma Because we got together later in life and I had no interest in him providing my security, and hadn’t questioned it being an issue until things got rocky fairly recently. That is why

"I had no interest in him providing my security"

But you don't seem to have shown any interest in proving security for yourself, either? Otherwise you would have insisted on having your name on the deeds/mortgage? Did you own or rent before you met him? And how were finances managed before maternity leave, were you contributing to his mortgage or was he paying it all? Have you been paying into savings in case of a split and having to find a new home?

I’ve worked ft with both my lovely dc for a number of years and I’ll say this firmly - it doesn’t get easier to leave them at 2, it can get harder when they can talk more and express their feelings very clearly. They need you all the way through.

In your shoes I’d try for compressed hours or 4 days a week, get oh to split the cost of a nanny/Cm and go back.

Yes it’s really hard the gilt and missing them and the sometimes less than ideal care at nursery etc, but you could end up dependent on the council to house you - that’d scare me back to work. Your oh sounds like an unreliable dick.

I also struggled to have dc so I feel for you - but there are bigger risks here, a big risk you end up not being able to have a nice life in a nice area with good schools etc for your child.

What have the relationship issues been recently? Have you discussed openly with him that you're concerned about financial equity between you if you stop earning for a while?

2/3 days a week isn’t enough WoH IMO to provide for your own and DC’s security in the event of a break-up.

Your DP earning well means you can afford good childcare.

Why is it down to you to pay all the childcare? He should pay some of it too - it's his kid too.
Definitely keep your security, also because it's way harder to return if you have a long break from work.
Perhaps you've taken all the responsibility for the child and he hasn't had to do anything at all because you've been the doting / 1000% committed mother so he hasn't needed to.
When I found out I was pregnant the first conversation I had with DH was "shared nursery drop offs, shared childcare costs, shared sick day cover". Had the convo day dot and never ever been a problem. Just had exactly the same convo about school for next year. Both of us know where we stand and what's expected and we stick to it.

Why are you thinking of childcare as a cost only you have to bear? Your DP should be equally contributing, if not even more as he earns more than you.

A way to see if he is committed is to ask for finances to be pooled and any left over money split equally between you. That will tell you if he sees you as an equal.

"2/3 days a week isn’t enough WoH IMO to provide for your own and DC’s security in the event of a break-up."

I don't think many employers would accept 2 days a week but I think 3 is fine. Either way part time is much better than no paid work at all, as it puts OP in a much stronger position to increase her hours or apply for other jobs.

Plus I believe she is not planning to end the relationship, she's just aware that there is a risk of it ending.

Agree PT is better than SAH, but in OP’s situation is still a huge risk.

OP may not plan to end the relationship, but much more than 50% of cohabiting relationships break down.

Reducing to 2 or 3 days will decrease pension contributions etc.

Stats/research on “motherhood penalty” on work and earnings are interesting: PT working and employers’ treatment of PT workers is discussed.

I do have bias on this as was firmly “mummy tracked”when working 3 days a week, even for an employer that is IMO pretty good on equality compared with the employers of friends who are mothers, many of whom were made redundant after going PT.

I am in that position now - 3 days a week and utterly marginalised and paid hugely reduced sums as a result. But my employer is ghastly.

Go freelance. Enjoy your child. Fwiw - my relationship was so strained the first year of ds life. As it was hard and we both worried about doing the best thing. We are now 14 years in and have 3 kids. I don't ever regret giving up my job (great salary, would have meant being away from home loads). I freelance a little. It's a good balance and means I remain employable. (Only just getting married in a couple of months.)

Loopy and Called

Working parents can enjoy our children too.

If you are with someone selfish who won't be involved with any of the practicalities then you'd better make decisions that are as low risk as possible. So in your position I'd get a nanny, go back FT or 4 days and then spend the first year making a longer term plan. The point about it being easier to leave babies than older DC is valid. My DD is 6 (she was in nursery 3 days per week from 8 months) but given her personality, I think I'd have had trouble leaving her later. My DSis was conflicted in the way you are and is now 14 years on and earning a pittance as a classroom assistant. There are no easy decisions here but as you have left it all to the last minute, I think you'd better stick with the status quo while you put more thought in.

Regarding the 'can't do drop offs/pick ups'. Among my friends the mums and dads do a range of jobs. Handling the nursery and school years has involved part time working, flexible working, unofficial PT/flex (senior men better at getting away with this), working from home, freelancing, mix of paid for and family childcare, shift work, shift parenting, using childcare close to work rather than close to home, changing job... there is usually a way, but only if people are willing and actively adapt. Men often seem to get lot of praise for actively participating in childcare (even if woman invariably does all the admin) so "can't" often tells you as much about the person as the situation. Also most parents would want to participate?

Hedgeharris you don't need to live in a 'nice area' or go to 'good schools' to have a good life.

Loopy - no-one is saying working parents do not enjoy their children

I’ve noticed a distinct trend among the men who are unable to do childcare ever because of their jobs and their sudden insistence on 50/50 following a divorce so no maintenance is paid. Of course your DH CAN do it he just doesn’t WANT to. He needs to man up to his responsibilities and allow you to continue to support yourself

I will be advising my girls that if they want to compromise their own earning power for the family/children they have to be married. These men can’t have it all ways woman dredging round having their baby doing all the domestic stuff but he can decide to leave at any time and liable only for child maintenance you are high and dry, oh and I bet your child has his surname doesn’t she? Utter bastards.

My husband is in a senior role and picks up our kids two days a week. He leaves at 4 to do this.

The other (mainly) male senior staff are aghast at this (older, non working wives).

It’s changing thought. Many younger men pull their weight.

I would agree Mrs Swift. I have daughters and will advise them to marry before they have kids for this reason.

Come on, you don’t want to end up with hobson’s choice about where you live and where your dc goes to school and be struggling for every penny if you have choices. I understand that’s many people’s reality vulpine.

I also think op is really going to find it’s not easier to leave older kids either.

I agree about the mummy track loopy, I’ve been stuck doing the same routine things because it’s harder for me to travel, do overtime or be on call for urgent problems. It’s still better than not working though as I can step up, you can get out of a mummy track if you get to a point where you have more flexibility.

It's been my experience that you can get out of mummy track by moving sideways. You can often improve terms and conditions by changing employer and/or by staying somewhere a while and seizing opportunities as they present themselves. But it takes time. You need a medium term plan at least and everything rests on reliable childcare/wraparound.

And luck. I forgot luck! No-one getting ill, no redundancies.

Thanks again all. It’s been a massive wake-up call, especially as I had no idea he’d only really be liable for around £150 per week child maintenance AND LondonBelongsToMe if that’s correct about not having to pay any if they have the child half the time... well, again a massive wake-up call.

AmotherEmma I do have some savings, but the industry I work in has had a bit of a demise so the salary I’m earning now is the same (in figures) as it was 10 years ago. i Did start retraining a few years ago but was made redundant so couldn’t afford the student fees... anyway, I’m sure a lot of people are in similar financial situations. Many of my friends in the same industry have no savings or property either. To be honest, I was relying on DP for security once we’d had a child - but clearly was being ridiculously naive.

I didn’t mean to suggest I was the one paying all the childcare, rather that I resented going to work for not much more.

PhineyJ yeah all my friends’ partners help out with pick ups etc too. They are younger than DP though and work in a different industry. Not making excuses as I’m sure he could get away with it, just doesn’t want the hassle.

The issue now is not really whether I go back to work or not (still waiting to hear back from them), but how to equalise the status quo. Marriage seems the only way (in this country at least) - although as we met later in life and he already had lots of assets (I have some savings but no house) there’s talk of a pre-nup . That will be a whole other drama that is sure to cause major rows. I’m not against it in theory, and had even suggested it at some stage, but it’s clearly going to be messy.

Better situation than I’m in now, though, as yes - living somewhere decent with access to good schools and a good quality of life for my child is important to me. Vulpine totally get what you’re saying, I just don’t want to have to struggle like my mum did.

Also agree with you MrsSwift re advice to daughters. My mum told me the same and I ignored her thinking I was being all feminist and independent. Which I was for most of my life, just failed to earn the £££ to back it up.