Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up a good job to be a SAHM?

169 replies

RosieAway · 05/03/2019 15:58

My job is good, decent pay, not my passion but it’s easy-ish money. BUT as I left on mat leave so early (due to high risk pregnancy) even with hols tacked on, my baby will only be 10 months when I’m due back.
I’m not young, baby was a long time coming and I enjoy looking after her. Partner earns enough to cover us, BUT we’re not married and it’s not a 100% rock solid relationship lately
So AIBU to give notice on my job? They will let me freelance, but that’s kissing goodbye to security. However I don’t want to have waited and tried years for my baby only to let someone else look after her at this age.
Seems like I’m damned if I don’t, damned if I do Confused

OP posts:
heidivodca · 05/03/2019 17:23

Surely you aren't giving up if you go freelance - you might even earn more?

cheercaptain · 05/03/2019 17:28

Please can someone help me understand how being married or not is a factor in making a decision of this nature. What exactly does marriage guarantee?

MsTSwift · 05/03/2019 17:33

If your dh bins you a judge takes into account your non monetary contributions to the marriage

Cookit · 05/03/2019 18:35

But to add to my previous comment where I said I was looking at becoming a SAHP after my second.
If I had a not completely solid relationship and was in my current position (good job but really want to be around when my first starts school etc) I’d work part time. The upside of part time (or possibly freelance for you) is that you’re never out of the workforce and if you want to go back FT either that opportunity may arise with current employer or you can look elsewhere, probably with a lot more ease than following a lengthy career break.

How long do you have to decide?

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 18:37

Not married: return FT, ask your DP to make any work compromises you are making, and organise good childcare.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 18:38

I am married and did those things, apart from FT, did 0.8fte. Was hard when DC was tiny but retaining financial independence and a decent job was important.

AnotherEmma · 05/03/2019 18:46

YABU. Do not give up paid work.
This is why you shouldn't:
"Partner earns enough to cover us, BUT we’re not married and it’s not a 100% rock solid relationship lately"
It's really important that you retain your financial independence. Personally I think that if you can work part-time that's the best of both worlds when you have young children; you get time with your DC(s) but you are still earning, making pension contributions and protecting your future earning potential. So my advice is to ask your employer if you can go back part-time (eg 3 or 4 days a week) and if they refuse, you should still go back full-time and apply for other jobs that are part-time.

NataliaOsipova · 05/03/2019 18:48

If your dh bins you a judge takes into account your non monetary contributions to the marriage

In a nutshell! If you’re not married, you’re on your own. Name not on the house? Tough. Destroyed your career having jointly made the decision that you’d both prefer you to be a SAHP? Tough. If you’re married, you have some degree of protection (put crassly, this is greater the greater the assets you have as a couple) as your contribution to the family is considered when dividing up the assets.

Artfullydead · 05/03/2019 18:48

The day I see men asking these questions is the day I'll say yeah, go for it.

AnotherEmma · 05/03/2019 18:48

PS Do you own or rent and is the mortgage/tenancy in joint names or just one? How have you been managing finances since you've been on maternity leave, 50/50 towards bills etc or has he been paying more while you're on maternity pay? Do you have savings of your own and/or joint savings?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/03/2019 18:51

I would go back to work and give it at least 6 months and see how it goes. Remember they will soon be at school! You can always pack work in if you still feel the same and your relationship is stable but it's much harder to get back into work when you've had a longer break. You don't need to make any major decisions right now

FlaviaAlbia · 05/03/2019 18:57

Could you go back part-time?
I wouldn't give it up in your position and part time is the best of both worlds.

Then if things go south you'll find it easier to manage.

Original poster
RosieAway · 05/03/2019 18:59

Hmm, as expected re the stay-putters. I know I should. Good point about the risk being all mine.

Thanks everyone. I wish I’d posted here weeks ago, not with a day or two before D day! Still, am clinging to the idea of getting married and going freelance (won’t make more ££ but it’s something and keeping a toe in as someone said. But yeah, goodbye pension contribs),

Work are willing to be flexible re days and hours but because I haven’t been wanting to go back, all the nurseries nearby are now waitlist only. Partner also not able to do drop offs or pick ups, so all seems like a major pain in the butt. Yes I’m looking for excuses.

I’d love to take a year out/unpaid leave but smallish old-fashioned company so not on cards.

I just want to look after her til she’s 2 then go back, but not an option without risking everything. Also sounds like it might be hard leaving them then if they’re pleading for you not to go!

Sounds mercenary but I’m going to suggest marriage to partner as he’s suggested in past. He says I have nothing to worry about re security but obv things can change at any time so his word means nothing! Relationship could possibly be salvageable (that’s another thread...)

Does anyone know if we were to split, and I’d not been in work for a year or two, would I be royally screwed?

OP posts:
Bluesmartiesarebest · 05/03/2019 19:00

Don’t give up your job. You could try asking to go part time but it’s too risky to stop working completely when your relationship is rocky with your partner.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 19:02

Yes, you would.

MsTSwift · 05/03/2019 19:07

You have no protection in a relationship unless married. Personally unless someone independently wealthy the sahm option isn’t available if you unmarried unless you are a massive risk taker and don’t mind poverty

AnotherEmma · 05/03/2019 19:08

"all the nurseries nearby are now waitlist only"
Look into childminders then

"Relationship could possibly be salvageable (that’s another thread...)"
You clearly have doubts so marrying him would be a terrible idea

Original poster
RosieAway · 05/03/2019 19:10

Oops, I hadn’t read latest posts before replying Blush

So it’s YES I’m royally screwed if we break up (no, not on title deeds. Like a fool. Partner pays mortgage and bills as earns significantly more. I pay for food and baby stuff with my mat leave and savings. Probably also like a fool).

And definitely, overwhelmingly DO NOT chuck in job in my situation.

That many MNetters can’t be wrong. I think I’d better ask HR for an extension on my decision (due Thursday) and start frantically looking for childcare 😑

OP posts:
liitlepenguin · 05/03/2019 19:10

No ! No ! No !! Not unless marriage is on the cards . You have no financial security.

Try going back part time and see if you can take the additional two months unpaid.

Just spend a while on the relationships board ! That will tell you a lot about lack of security with giving up a job when not married / not on property x

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 19:13

Childcare is not just your problem: how about DP takes some time off work and helps sort it?

CMs can be great. Places with CMs and nursery come up from waitlists.

HavelockVetinari · 05/03/2019 19:18

Glad you're sticking with the job, it's honestly the safest thing to do.

A lot of women feel sad going back to work, myself included, but it passed within a month and I'm SO glad I went back, I love my job.

AnotherEmma · 05/03/2019 19:23

"So it’s YES I’m royally screwed if we break up (no, not on title deeds. Like a fool. Partner pays mortgage and bills as earns significantly more. I pay for food and baby stuff with my mat leave and savings. Probably also like a fool)."

So if you break up you'll be homeless and if you've given up work and used up your savings on food and baby stuff you won't have any money left to rent somewhere.

Why are you using up your savings? Presumably he has money left over each month after paying the mortgage and bills, so he's adding to his savings while you're diminishing yours.

Morgan12 · 05/03/2019 19:25

I'd explore the marriage option and stay at home.

No-one lies on their death bed wishing they had worked more. They are little for such a short time.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 19:28

Marriage reduces some risks, but even for those of us who are married SAH is a massive, personal risk.

Parenting can still be good and DC fine for those of us who WoH. Men almost all get to do both.

JustHereForThePooStories · 05/03/2019 19:42

I always think of a pension as a second version of me, working away in order to pay me after I retire.

Giving up work is not only giving up income now, but your income when you should be reaping from you pension contributions.