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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is too much?

169 replies

lexi727 · 16/09/2018 23:59

Have always had a slightly strained relationship with MIL - she found it really hard to cut the apron strings when DH and I moved in together but we have managed to get along without incident.

DH and I have DS 2 and DD 6 weeks. For the first three weeks after DD was born MIL would take DS for one day and night a week just to give me a chance to have a rest as I had had a very hard delivery and DD is not sleeping at all. I am managing to cope better now, so have thanked her very much for their help, given her some flowers and wine etc.

MIL has decided now 'that she's used to having DS to herself once a week' (she had him once a week for 3 weeks) she should be able to carry on doing this for the foreseeable future, and that it's child cruelty to not allow this?!?! My DM thinks she's insane and is happy just nipping round once or twice a week to see her DGC, which I think MIL should be happy with too.

DH has told her she's being unreasonable, but now she is refusing to talk to me, because I quote 'I am a cruel woman who is preventing a grand mother from seeing her grandson and I should be thankful that she is offering the help that she is'.

I am a SAHM, I let all grandparents see kids as much as they want but I don't want him going to hers overnight every single week. I will admit I needed the help to begin with, but I don't anymore. AIBU to put my foot down and say absolutely not or should I just allow it even though I really really don't want to, just to keep the peace?

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 17/09/2018 00:01

Is there a compromise to be had? She might feel a bit used, like she was good enough when it suited you but now she's not needed. Once or twice a month sleepovers? Maybe she can have DD too and you and DH can have some time to yourselves

MrsStrowman · 17/09/2018 00:02

Sorry didn't see DD was six weeks, that bit can wait a while

Merryoldgoat · 17/09/2018 00:02

You aren’t being unreasonable if you don’t want to but I’d bite my MIL’s hand off for that offer!

However, I get on exceptionally well with my PIL and love them like blood family (more in some cases).

Merryoldgoat · 17/09/2018 00:06

Perhaps like MrsStrowman suggested you could compromise with monthly or fortnightly?

Original poster
lexi727 · 17/09/2018 00:17

I have suggested once a month but it's not good enough apparently! I've suggested have him for a day out if she wants too - no. She's desperate to have him overnight! When I asked her for help at the beginning I did say, just a temporary thing as I'm bloody knackered.

He also has my parents who see him once or twice a week, my brother who generally takes him for some kind of fun activity once a fortnight as well. She's welcome to nip round anytime, I would like her to in fact, I just don't want him staying there overnight every single week! It's probably the hormones but the thought of him being away from me at least 4 nights a month makes me want to sob for about a year. He still wakes in the night and he's so cute and some days that's the only time I'll get a cuddle with him! The rest of the day he's usually charging round screaming about paw patrol.

OP posts:
spacefighter · 17/09/2018 00:20

Your MIL is being unreasonable! You've offered her more than enough let your OH deal with her from now on.

Original poster
lexi727 · 17/09/2018 00:26

@spacefighter thank you! I was worried I was being a total bitch. DH is absolutely on my side and doesn't want DS with her once a week every week either as he misses him when he doesn't see him in the evening. Maybe we are absolute saps, but I think it's just the new baby over tiredness/lots of emotions getting to us.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 17/09/2018 00:28

I agree with the compromise idea.
Sounds wonderful to have a Grandparent with the energy to support you in that way, seems silly to have a blanket "no" , when, as pointed out, you did ask her in the first place.
Perhaps if you both did a bit less insisting and a bit more "we'll see how it goes" - ing (I might have just made up some new grammar there Wink, everyone will benefit and there will be less tension and a good relationship going forwards.

Original poster
lexi727 · 17/09/2018 00:30

@BackforGood I see what you mean, I've suggested once a month as a regular thing, I've told her she can have him for the day whenever she wants and that she would be our first choice if he ever needed looking after overnight but she's just not accepting it.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 17/09/2018 00:32

No YANBU at all! On MN many are massively grateful for "free childcare" and can't understand why everyone isn't. I never wanted it and it's fine not to. I didn't have kids to send them off overnight once a week to keep my MIL happy. Say no and that's that.

BigBlueBubble · 17/09/2018 00:34

He’s your child. Just say no. If you let it continue she’ll eventually want both of them overnight. If she’s upset then it’s just tough. She’s had her time of being a mum - your kids are yours. So what if you “prevent a grandmother seeing her grandchild” - she has no rights other than what you consent to and are comfortable with.

Original poster
lexi727 · 17/09/2018 00:35

Thank you @CarolDanvers! I'm finding it quite hard to stand up to her as she's being quite vile about it, so will get DH to just deal with it I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
lexi727 · 17/09/2018 00:39

@BigBlueBubble well tbh, another thing that's put me off is that she has literally no interest in DD at all! The other day my DM asked her if she was happy she now had a granddaughter and she said 'nothing could ever compare to 'her' DGS so she never wanted us to have another in the first place as she felt he would not get the attention he deserves'. He looks just like DH when he was a toddler so I think that's where this little attachment has come from. She has probably held DD once in 6 weeks, she only calls to ask after DS and whenever I mention DD she changes the subject. Very odd.

OP posts:
ItsABlusteryDay · 17/09/2018 00:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, she's helped you out once a week for 3 weeks, if you're uncomfortable with him staying every week then just don't allow it. Is it bollocks child cruelty! My son is 2 and I can count on my hands the amount of times I've let him stay at his grandparents - and only one set because I am uncomfortable with him staying at the other GPs house. I don't even think you need to compromise on it, ultimately he is your child and if you're not happy with it then just say no.

quizqueen · 17/09/2018 01:03

Tell her straight- your children are NOT going to stay with someone who is 'vile' to you so she had better buck up her ideas!!!!

Sarcelle · 17/09/2018 01:09

She is reliving her mother days using her grandchild in place of her son. Sounds too much and will get worse if you give in. He is your child, she is not his mum.

timeisnotaline · 17/09/2018 01:12

You had just had a baby so she helped you out. You didn’t sign in blood for eternity. Thinking that any offers taken up in the first few weeks of a new baby sets the precedent for eternity points to an unbalanced mind. With a normal person I agree re offering once a month but I wouldn’t set any regular arrangements in place with batshit. It will come back to bite you. You can offer occasionally if she’d like to arrange a sleepover in the next few weeks.

Cloglover · 17/09/2018 01:12

Oooh her behaviour is very odd. I would have personally loved the offer but i don't like the spirit in which it's being offered. She doesn't sound like she's respecting your boundaries and she sounds worryingly over invested. It doesn't sound like the unconditional love a normal gp would have - it sounds like obsession. I would try and keep her at a distance. What was she like as a mother?

Cloglover · 17/09/2018 01:17

2 is still very young to be away from parents and I imagine after having another baby and all the worry about the older child feeling pushed out or resenting a new sibling, you are very keen to keep all children close now things have settled down a bit. You are the mum and its good to see your partner is on the same page. Stick to your guns. X

Sardinesandparsnips · 17/09/2018 01:21

Look amazed and say no, but that's very kind. It was so lovely of you at the time.

If she wont talk to you that's her loss. Also let your dh deal with her from now on. Also don't let her look after them both. She'll tell your ds off all the time and let ds learn to tease her. Sounds dramatic but it happens.

She sounds a bit ott- child cruelty! How bizarre. And how strange she thinks your Ds would rather be with her than his immediate family. He will wonder why he is being excluded when he is older.

MrsHoodwink · 17/09/2018 01:29

She is being completely unreasonable, I can see why other people think otherwise but I have lived through this myself

My DD went to stay with her paternal grandparents once a week (then twice a week after some time) while I recovered from a serious illness. When I got better her GPs were furious that I wanted her “all to myself”

They were very extreme however, claimed it was child abuse, called social services on me (claiming I was too ill to look after DD) and took me to court for a child arrangements order! They were practically laughed out of court and got zero custody but it has effected my mental health

Their thing was making me feel like I owed them my DDs time out of gratitude for them helping me

That’s not how helping someone works, you don’t get rewarded for it. I hope this all works out for you OP, my DD still does sleepover sometimes now but it’s all on my terms

toomuchtooold · 17/09/2018 05:28

The thing is there's two questions here and you want to be careful about which one needs answering. Is it nice in principle to let a MIL who has enjoyed looking after her DGC overnight continue to do that in the future? It is, although 2 is quite young and an overnight visit rather than a day out is not going to be of any benefit to your DS IMO. But that's not the question you need to answer. The question you need to answer is, now that you've seen how much your MIL overreacts when she doesn't get her way, what on earth would compel you to leave him with her for any length of time? Is she going to be like that with your DS if he starts going against her wishes as well, or what?

Blondebakingmumma · 17/09/2018 05:35

OMG 😮
I would hate to be separated from my kids once a week overnight! She is being totally unreasonable.
Just thank her for her help but say no to weekly sleep overs

SpareASquare · 17/09/2018 05:53

She is reliving her mother days using her grandchild in place of her son. Sounds too much and will get worse if you give in. He is your child, she is not his mum

I hate shit like this where people just make stuff up. Makes me wonder what's happened for someone to get such a fucked up view

She's a grandmother who was used when it suited and then told no more. I get why she'd be upset. Good enough then not good enough. No need to make it into something else.

Havaina · 17/09/2018 05:54

The other day my DM asked her if she was happy she now had a granddaughter and she said 'nothing could ever compare to 'her' DGS so she never wanted us to have another in the first place as she felt he would not get the attention he deserves'.

Oh no. This is bad. DH needs to make it clear to her that she must treat both DC equally. Yes, dd is blissfully unaware now but in a few short years she will notice DGM prefers her brother it will be extremely upsetting.

It wouldn't surprise me if MIL starts referring to herself as 'Mum' infront of your DS! Espcially when she has him alone.

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