To think this is too much?

[lexi727]

Have always had a slightly strained relationship with MIL - she found it really hard to cut the apron strings when DH and I moved in together but we have managed to get along without incident.

DH and I have DS 2 and DD 6 weeks. For the first three weeks after DD was born MIL would take DS for one day and night a week just to give me a chance to have a rest as I had had a very hard delivery and DD is not sleeping at all. I am managing to cope better now, so have thanked her very much for their help, given her some flowers and wine etc.

MIL has decided now 'that she's used to having DS to herself once a week' (she had him once a week for 3 weeks) she should be able to carry on doing this for the foreseeable future, and that it's child cruelty to not allow this?!?! My DM thinks she's insane and is happy just nipping round once or twice a week to see her DGC, which I think MIL should be happy with too.

DH has told her she's being unreasonable, but now she is refusing to talk to me, because I quote 'I am a cruel woman who is preventing a grand mother from seeing her grandson and I should be thankful that she is offering the help that she is'.

I am a SAHM, I let all grandparents see kids as much as they want but I don't want him going to hers overnight every single week. I will admit I needed the help to begin with, but I don't anymore. AIBU to put my foot down and say absolutely not or should I just allow it even though I really really don't want to, just to keep the peace?

YANBU

Let your husband deal with it and I would withdraw all offers of overnight. A person being vile to me doesn’t get to have my kids.

SpareASquare

She's a grandmother who was used when it suited and then told no more. I get why she'd be upset. Good enough then not good enough. No need to make it into something else.

What utter tosh. Family help family, that doesn't mean they are then beholden to continue the arrangement forever!

The grandmother was asked to help temporarily, and the temporary arrangement has now come to an end. The DGM is still welcome to see her DGC whenever she likes, which is very generous of OP in the circumstances. No need to make this imto something else.

What utter tosh. Family help family, that doesn't mean they are then beholden to continue the arrangement forever!

Of course not. The OP doesn't want to send him, he doesn't go. Yet I still 'get' why the MIL is upset and I think it says a lot about those that cannot. shrug

She's definitely being unreasonable and could have approached it very differently and discussed like an adult!
I also think well if she's offering you take it for goodness sake ! The rest and time with older child is important ! If once a week is too much offer every other week as compromise. If she still refuses that then she's a nutter

What does it say about us, Spare?

I'd say we were eminently sensible for recognising that 3 overnights with MIL doesn't give her the right to an ongoing arrangement.

And I notice you're conveniently not commenting on MIL's comments about her DGD, which are frankly appalling.

Spare a Square

But this isn't about the MIL and whether she's good enough. It's about the toddler DS, OP needed someone to look after him and now she doesn't. It's lovely that MIL misses it, which you say and then find a compromise. But bonkers to think its given MIL a right which has been taken away.

Can you turn it round and get DH to tell her she’s made you both see that a regular overnight at hers may make your DS feel he’s being excluded from home in favour of DD which no one wants as he may grow to resent going to hers rather than see it as a lovely treat....(or similar). Going forward, get DH to emphasise how important her role is in making DS understand his place in the family unit and that you’re both relying on her for that. People often lash out verbally when hurt but for future relationships you have to sometimes appear to be the voice of reason in a direction that the other person doesn’t expect (so they will see how batshit they appear if they object....)

She is being unreasonable for sure. I used to spend one day a week with my nan until I was 16. Best day of the week. Maybe your son will enjoy it and use it as an opportunity to help them both.

She is nuts.

I would love for DS to have grandparents nearby, so I could unload him onto them for frequent, frequent visits. But...if they once behaved like your MIL my plan would be foiled, as I would be unable to place a young child in the care of someone who is deranged.

Does your DS enjoy it? That’s what I’d base my decision on. Perhaps he enjoys staying with DGM & would be sad not to? Or the opposite!

She's being very short-sighted. The more she pushes the further away you'll move emotionally.

From your last post no way in hell would she get over nighters. She looks to be having favourites already as. You want to nip that in the bud

Bonkers. 3 weeks in a time of obvious need does not set an arrangement for ever more.

She's a grandmother who was used when it suited and then told no more. I get why she'd be upset. Good enough then not good enough. No need to make it into something else.

That makes me wonder how someone can have such a spiteful and fucked up view actually. That helping out family for a short period when a new baby arrives could be seen as being "used". Clearly MIL is not alone in her odd thought processes.

YANBU.

A) They are your children and you call the shots. You have said she is still welcome to come visit once or twice a week and suggested she gave DS overnight once a month if she wants. This is more than fair.

B) The idea that she has had him overnight once a night for 3 weeks means she has an indefinite "right" to continue to do so is frankly bizarre, especially as she was aware it was a temporary arrangement after your DD's birth.

C) The comments and apparent favouritism are certainly a cause for concern. I would be worried that this will deepen her attachment to your son without her getting to know your daughter. She may use this as an excuse for different treatment in the future ("Oh, but I am so much closer to [DS] because of all those nights looking after him when he was young!").

Nip this in the bud - or more appropriately get DH to. It sounds like he is on your side and there is no reason for you to be the bad guy.

She’s a cow! Yanbu

Neither you nor your DH should engage, apart from smiling gently when she claims you're being cruel by not letting her see her grandson and saying "Now, MIL, you know that's not true, don't you?"

SpareaSquare, it's ironic that you claim not to like people making things up. You say that OP has told her MiL "no more", but we can all see for ourselves that she hasn't said anything of the sort.

I hate shit like this where people just make stuff up. Makes me wonder what's happened for someone to get such a fucked up view

Well there is the bit where the MIL went on about how much the favoured grandson looks like her son and ignores the new baby... so not too much of a leap to think she might be reliving the past a bit through this little boy

You are entitled to have both your dc in their own home 7 nights a week.. No need for explanation /apology.
She would be lucky to be invited to my house again with that attitude if I was you tbh.

Hell, I would have loved my older child going for one day/one night just for the break.

You may regret it in a few months time.

You may regret it in a few months time

And OP may not. I never have. And even she did, it's not been written in blood that it must be this way forever and always. Surely another arrangement could be discussed at that time if all involved are reasonable people?

YANBU, stand your ground & let DH deal with the fall out.

Did be sleep at MILs before the baby was born?

Yanbu. Your child your choice. You have a growing family to bond. It's making unhealthy lack of continuity.