To think this is too much?

[lexi727]

Have always had a slightly strained relationship with MIL - she found it really hard to cut the apron strings when DH and I moved in together but we have managed to get along without incident.

DH and I have DS 2 and DD 6 weeks. For the first three weeks after DD was born MIL would take DS for one day and night a week just to give me a chance to have a rest as I had had a very hard delivery and DD is not sleeping at all. I am managing to cope better now, so have thanked her very much for their help, given her some flowers and wine etc.

MIL has decided now 'that she's used to having DS to herself once a week' (she had him once a week for 3 weeks) she should be able to carry on doing this for the foreseeable future, and that it's child cruelty to not allow this?!?! My DM thinks she's insane and is happy just nipping round once or twice a week to see her DGC, which I think MIL should be happy with too.

DH has told her she's being unreasonable, but now she is refusing to talk to me, because I quote 'I am a cruel woman who is preventing a grand mother from seeing her grandson and I should be thankful that she is offering the help that she is'.

I am a SAHM, I let all grandparents see kids as much as they want but I don't want him going to hers overnight every single week. I will admit I needed the help to begin with, but I don't anymore. AIBU to put my foot down and say absolutely not or should I just allow it even though I really really don't want to, just to keep the peace?

MIL shouldn't be angry at you OP but I guess there's more to this story? It seems odd that someone would suddenly be vile when you've had a relationship where you've trusted her with your son.

Does she feel used that she helped you out when you needed a break but now have put the brakes on?

Take your time OP, don't say anything you might later regret. You may some time soon like a break from DS especially as your DD gets bigger.

My MIL used to become vile if she didn't get her way. Weeks of screaming daily phone calls, relatives phoning to ask why we were hurting her and trying to negotiate a compromise. It stopped when we stopped giving in. Regardless of the original issue (and personally I'd feel the same as you) you really can't change your mind or offer an improved compromise because she has thrown an epic tantrum. I'd probably go as far as saying no unsupervised contact until she can behave properly, because your DS does not need to be told his Mum is cruel. But then I AM a bitch.

Of course she is being unreasonable.

Send her a text message thanking her for her amazing help, and you are more than happy to organise monthly sleepovers with ds. To let you know when it is next convenient. And then change the subject to something neutral.

And leave it at that. Sit it out and let her come round. She can not have a tantrum and throw her toys out of the pram and then expect you all to cave in. You stand firm, keep quiet and make darn sure dh is doing the same and you ride it out.

She is banking on your giving in, don't/

Tell her straight- your children are NOT going to stay with someone who is 'vile' to you so she had better buck up her ideas!!!!

Just this.

Why should/would you offer a compromise. It was kind of her (on 3 occasions) but that's that. It's no longer needed.

Just say no. No need for any offers, your child, your decision.

My DS is 2 and PIL have been on and on and on at me since before he was even born about him sleeping over. They prepared a nursery for him in their home well before we had even bought a cot and from the age of about 11 days old it was mentioned on an almost daily basis.

I breastfed for 11 months, DS had huge trouble weaning and we had weekly stand up rows about DS and food and I found it all really fucking hard. I am naturally introverted while MIL is naturally a fucking steam roller. Standing up to her for the good of DS and my own mental health is the first time I have ever stood up for myself and having to go round for weekly Sunday lunches were the fucking bane of my life.

She's cut DS' hair twice without permission, regularly now gives him food that I expressly didn't want him to have and I really, really dislike her. I was a SAHM for a while before taking my current job, and the fact that I have to work Sundays, therefore don't have to go for Sunday dinner, is a HUGE part of why I took the bloody job in the first place.

The kind of attitude that your MIL is displaying is one that I expect from my own. My MIL's interfering, steam rollery I-know-better-than-you attitude is one reason (of many) that DS has yet to stay the night.

The other reasons are the same as yours - he still wakes in the night, I don't want him to and...oh, I don't want him to.

DS still has a lovely relationship with PIL as they do weekend childcare if both me and DP are working.

He is your child OP.

I don't get the obsession of some PILs to have their GC overnight. I love my GC and they do stay overnight occasionally but I'm more than happy for it to be a day only thing. I'm so over getting up early or being woken in the night!

In your shoes I'd be making clear as a couple that you appreciate the help she provided but overnight visits will not resume when:

1. She is being vile and abusive towards you
2. She doesn't show the same affection/attention to both her grandchildren

When she's ready to "adult" again, you might allow the odd overnight visit but it will never be a regular fixture and certainly won't be an option until she improves her behaviour and attitude.

Thank you everyone!

@GreatDuckCookery - she's always been a bit...weird. DH and I have been together 7 years and I have really made the effort to get along with her but she's very protective over her son and it took a very long time for her even to acknowledge that we were together! Even 2 years into our relationship she would try and set him up with other women! Our relationship got a lot better once we got married and then massively when I first had DS. However, we have very different ideas of parenting and that was a sore point, but I ALWAYS made the effort to see her point of view and most of the time she's had her own way with when she wants to see DS.

Her husband died about 20 years ago but she has a partner who she's been with around 10 years, she has three other children and one other grandchild (other than my children) who she literally does not bother with at all. DN is 5 and has never even received a birthday present! Yet on DS' birthday she spent about £500. It's all a bit strange.

Blimey that is weird OP. Poor other GC.

The other day my DM asked her if she was happy she now had a granddaughter and she said 'nothing could ever compare to 'her' DGS so she never wanted us to have another in the first place as she felt he would not get the attention he deserves'

she has three other children and one other grandchild (other than my children) who she literally does not bother with at all. DN is 5 and has never even received a birthday present! Yet on DS' birthday she spent about £500

Someone this unhinged, disgusting and nasty would never becoming anywhere near my children. She's making your DS the golden (grand)child. That is never acceptable under any circumstances. I would never, ever, allow one of my child to be favoured or ignored over the other.

If I was DN's parents I'd have cut MIL out of our lives at the obvious favouritism towards his cousin, let alone if she was blatantly favouring one sibling over another, as is the case in your immediate family.

@emmyrose2000 DH's siblings are very low contact with MIL. It was always clear she favoured DH but now she seems to have replaced DH with DS. DH has mentioned to her before she can't have favourites and she has insisted she doesn't but it's so obvious.

She's coming over in a bit, wish me luck.

Yanbu 2 years old is very young maybe this is something she can do when he is a bit older like 4 or 5 years old.

It's all a bit too much.

It's like she's replicated your DH in DS.

Watch out for her slipping up and calling herself mummy.

3 weeks doesn't set a new rule that she is entitled to have Ds day one night a week. In fact I wouldn't even offer once a month. Her focus on him isn't healthy.

The favouritism needs to be addressed now. She is happy to not be in dn's life so assume she will be equally happy not to be in DD's. She needs to be told that if she walks away from dd she is walking away from Ds too.

I don't understand this obsession with GP having GC overnight either. No-one ever offered to have mine in the daytime for a few hours, let alone at night. As much as we would have killed for a break YANBU. But do not set anything up on a regular basis be it sleepovers or Sunday lunches, things change and you will never get out of it. Stick to an ad hoc basis on your terms.

If your DM offered the exact same, just for example, would you accept? Would you feel any different?

She's a grandmother who was used when it suited and then told no more. I get why she'd be upset. Good enough then not good enough. No need to make it into something else.

I don’t understand this way of thinking. Do people only do family favours if they know they’re going to get something in return? Weekly? Until the end of time?

Maybe OP should offer weekly sleepovers for three weeks - so three when she needed the help and three when she didn’t. That’ll be ‘fair’ won’t it.

@Powerless I would still say no! I just don't want him staying somewhere overnight so regularly. It's honestly not the fact is my MIL, that's why he went to hers for those three weeks rather than my DM's. I am grateful that both his grandma's are so involved in my DC's life but I want to wait until he's a bit older until he starts stopping away somewhere regularly

That’s fair enough. You are your DH are the parents. Not her. Not FIL.
If you could handle ever fortnight then offer that, on the proviso that she doesn’t kick off if it doesn’t happen. Otherwise, maybe say to her that she can do, when he is X years old.... I understand her behaviour has been inexcusable. However for the sake of the family, maybe try explaining to her why you don’t want him to. That the reason is the separation?? Tell her what you’ve told us? X

*every

After your updates I don't think I'd be offering any unsupervised contact.

Good luck OP!

Looking at the bigger picture I would keep an eye on her favouring ds over dd. No good will come of this.
You need dh on side with this.
She sounds batshit and sounds like dh's siblings have the right idea.
I wouldn't be comfortable accepting gifts for ds when dn gets nothing tbh.

MIL has just been round and I am so upset.

DS was asleep when she arrived (he's got a chest infection), she wanted to wake him up but I said no and suggested she have a cuddle with DD instead. She said no, she had come to see DS as she was missing him due to not having him for one night a week. I was firm with her and told her I don't want him staying anywhere overnight unless completely necessary however she is welcome to take him for a day out when he is feeling better.

At this point, she started shouting at me (and I mean, properly hysterical shouting) that I've stolen her son from her, I'm stealing her grandson from her, I am trying to make her life a living hell, that I'm controlling (if you knew me, you would know this is so far from the truth) and that she is going to call social services on me because she thinks I'm an unfit mother :( She stormed out after that. DS is now awake and upset due to being woken by the shouting, DD screaming too.

DH isn't answering the phone as he's in a meeting. I'm so upset. If she calls social services will they come round and investigate? What if she makes up loads of lies about me and they take my babies off me? I'm not saying I'm perfect but I am a good mother!! DC's are crying, I'm crying. I'm terrified that I'm going to be investigated by social services for no reason. What should I do?

Social services? She's clearly mad.

Make yourself a cup of tea and take some breaths.

Your dc aren't going anywhere but your relationship with this woman needs ending today.

She sounds completely unhinged, don't panic, you have don't nothing wrong and I doubt she will actually call social services as she probably deep down knows this. Try to calm down your children and have a cup of tea and call your husband when you can, but I would say perhaps now she has shown her true colours fully it might be time to go no contact? She sounds vile.