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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is too much?

169 replies

lexi727 · 16/09/2018 23:59

Have always had a slightly strained relationship with MIL - she found it really hard to cut the apron strings when DH and I moved in together but we have managed to get along without incident.

DH and I have DS 2 and DD 6 weeks. For the first three weeks after DD was born MIL would take DS for one day and night a week just to give me a chance to have a rest as I had had a very hard delivery and DD is not sleeping at all. I am managing to cope better now, so have thanked her very much for their help, given her some flowers and wine etc.

MIL has decided now 'that she's used to having DS to herself once a week' (she had him once a week for 3 weeks) she should be able to carry on doing this for the foreseeable future, and that it's child cruelty to not allow this?!?! My DM thinks she's insane and is happy just nipping round once or twice a week to see her DGC, which I think MIL should be happy with too.

DH has told her she's being unreasonable, but now she is refusing to talk to me, because I quote 'I am a cruel woman who is preventing a grand mother from seeing her grandson and I should be thankful that she is offering the help that she is'.

I am a SAHM, I let all grandparents see kids as much as they want but I don't want him going to hers overnight every single week. I will admit I needed the help to begin with, but I don't anymore. AIBU to put my foot down and say absolutely not or should I just allow it even though I really really don't want to, just to keep the peace?

OP posts:
Elephant14 · 17/09/2018 14:11

Glad to hear it. I bet he will be furious.

DarlingNikita · 17/09/2018 14:13

Well, she's shown her true colours hasn't she?

Fuck her having a key and good on you getting in a locksmith.

Social services would come, look round and curse her for wasting their time. If they even got that far (I suspect they're adept at weeding out troublemakers at the phoning-to-complain stage).

Original poster
lexi727 · 17/09/2018 14:13

@Elephant14 it was about an hour and a half ago now! DM is here now and she is calling locksmith.

It's coming up to anniversary of FIL's death so I think that' probably making her even more erratic, but he died 20 years ago!! Not recently! She has a bloody partner of 10 years! She has always said how much DH looks like his dad, and in turn how much DS looks like DH as a child. I think it must all be related somehow.

We have suspected in the past she has some MH problems but there has been no formal diagnosis that we know of. She tried to kill herself 5 years ago when BIL moved to Australia!

OP posts:
MenorcaIsAllYours · 17/09/2018 14:14

I would not let anyone who said of me "'I am a cruel woman who is preventing a grand mother from seeing her grandson and I should be thankful that she is offering the help that she is'." be in a position of care with any child of mine. How utterly disrespectful to you. Until she demonstrates that she thinks more of you and wins back you trust she can sling her hook quite frankly. YANBU at all.

Sardinesandparsnips · 17/09/2018 14:18

What a nightmare. If she has a key get your dh to change the locks.

Can your dm stay for a day or so, to keep you company? She sounds really unhinged, and presumably hysterical shouting normally gets her own way.

I expect she will do her version of NC with you which you won't notice as you're both doing it too:)

ss - don't know, call them? You could also go and see your health visitor / gp to reassure you you are completely normal. Because you are.

Don't let her round again without supervision and certainly no overnights / days out.

You might like the stately home threads on relationships.

Umpteenthingsclean · 17/09/2018 14:21

Because she's clearly taken favourites, you're in a position to do the same. Let your own parents see your bairns and don't let the ILs.

If they whinge, tell them that no one who plays favourites with your children will ever have access to them and that her actions have resulted in this.

Umpteenthingsclean · 17/09/2018 14:28

Jesus H. Corbett, I've just read the update of her visit.

This evil bitch cannot, under any circumstances, be allowed access to your little ones. She will damage them.

buggismyfav · 17/09/2018 14:29

Op don't worry about anyone taking your dc off you. That would not happen and I'm pretty sure social services would work out themselves straight away that she's batshit. They must get these false claims all the time.

I've had a similar issue with my parents. Had a difficult recovery after c section and DD had to stay with my parents for one night when I was in hospital and DH stayed with me for the first night. She was with them for approx 34 hours and they are now completely obsessed with seeing her and feel like they have a say over parenting decisions. It's bizarre!

So much so that they completely ignored my newborns existence for the first hour of the visit because they just wanted to see DD, literally didn't even say hello! I haven't seen them since because it's completely unacceptable. I'm grateful for their help whilst I was in hospital but I would have made DH come home, had I known just how weird they would be.

I'm pleased your DH is on your side.

Thatstheendofmytether · 17/09/2018 14:31

I was going to say ywbabu when I read your first post but screw her she sounds like a psycho. You don't need to change the locks just turn the key horizontal in the lock if you can and then there is no way she can wiggle a key in from the other side.
Have SS already been involved? They don't take children of parents because they had pnd please don't get ypurs3lf to panicked or worked up about this. She's just trying to worry you and she is succeeding.

Original poster
lexi727 · 17/09/2018 14:33

@buggismyfav thank you! It makes me feel better that somebody else has been through a similar experience! Do they still ignore your younger DC or do they treat them fairly now?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 14:43

Wow I would love that op, not helpful to you, I know.

buggismyfav · 17/09/2018 14:45

@lexi727 sadly they don't seem interested at all in dc2. Dc2 is 8 weeks old and they haven't shown any interest. The last time we saw them they came to our house and didn't speak to me and DH because they were angry they had to wait a couple of weeks to see DD and only spoke to dc1. Any conversation we tried to make was met with one word answers! Confused

They haven't seemed to work out yet that being rude and disrespectful to us and treating the dc differently will not work out well for them!

It's a very long story and very much the straw that broke the camels back!

I don't blame your DH for going NC. Parents like that are absolutely draining.

Original poster
lexi727 · 17/09/2018 14:45

@Aeroflotgirl read the updates

OP posts:
Asterado · 17/09/2018 14:45

@Aeroflotgirl RTFT. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy

sonjadog · 17/09/2018 14:53

Stupid woman. She has ruined everything for herself with her silly, overdramatic behaviour. No-one is going to take your children off you because you had PND after your son, OP. Think how many women get PND - do they get their children taken away just because of that? Of course not. Your MiL doesn't have any sort of case. In any case, I suspect it is all hot air and you will hear nothing from SS at all.

thecatsthecats · 17/09/2018 14:55

Nobody who treats you badly has a right to be in your child's life. You are not just an appendage responsible for the care of her grandson.

If she had the remotest bit of sense, she'd be as nice as pie to you to get as much time as she could. The fact that she lacks even that instinct tells you that any form of compromise would be very dangerous indeed.

(This is all aimed at the 'compromise' posters above. If you don't have experience of the alarm bells in the first few posts to suggest compromise, then you're very lucky!)

All aside, a child isn't a toy to be passed around!

IvanMashPotatoIvanDoTheTwist · 17/09/2018 15:04

Looks like she has done you a massive favour by coming over and being bat shit crazy... no chance in hell would she be having access to either of my children had she behaved and spoken like that to me... and I can't see anyone siding with her. Let her call ss and keep digging her hole!

AllyMcBeagle · 17/09/2018 15:07

I don't have much to add OP but just wanted to echo what others have said - you are doing the right thing and social services won't do anything just because you had PND (so many women have PND). It is good that your DH and DM are supportive.

Stay strong Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 15:15

Oh right sorry I will read them, kids have just come in from school.

ohfourfoxache · 17/09/2018 15:17

Think you need to go NC for all your sakes....

Clandestino · 17/09/2018 15:20

@SpareASquare - nobody forced the MIL to take over the role. And any sane person would have understood that it was on temporary base only and only to help out.
Having been in a situation like that as a child, even though it wasn't MIL but SIL for my mother, I know how manipulative and destructive this can be for a family. A normal person would understand their role in the family.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 15:25

Christ on a bike, she is bloody toxic, and infatuated with ds being a replacement for her son that you 'stole'. The fact that she treats her other gc less favourably, than ds, he is the golden child. I would now go totally nc with her, she has shot herself in the foot with her wild accusations and hysterics. Massive hugs, and a [tea]Cake. She clearly has ishoos really big ones.

foxotterhare · 17/09/2018 15:25

I think what you're experiencing from her now is probably 'narcissistic rage'. She's dangerous.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 15:26

Massive hugs, this is awful, poor you. So glad dh is supportive, Wine as well.

ThanosSavedMe · 17/09/2018 15:54

Social services will not give a flying dog about what she says. If (and a big if) they came around, they would see immediately that there is no cause for concern.

I’m so glad that dh is on your side.

I wonder if your mil has ever heard the expression cutting your nose if to spite you face. Stupid woman.

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