To think this is too much?

[lexi727]

Have always had a slightly strained relationship with MIL - she found it really hard to cut the apron strings when DH and I moved in together but we have managed to get along without incident.

DH and I have DS 2 and DD 6 weeks. For the first three weeks after DD was born MIL would take DS for one day and night a week just to give me a chance to have a rest as I had had a very hard delivery and DD is not sleeping at all. I am managing to cope better now, so have thanked her very much for their help, given her some flowers and wine etc.

MIL has decided now 'that she's used to having DS to herself once a week' (she had him once a week for 3 weeks) she should be able to carry on doing this for the foreseeable future, and that it's child cruelty to not allow this?!?! My DM thinks she's insane and is happy just nipping round once or twice a week to see her DGC, which I think MIL should be happy with too.

DH has told her she's being unreasonable, but now she is refusing to talk to me, because I quote 'I am a cruel woman who is preventing a grand mother from seeing her grandson and I should be thankful that she is offering the help that she is'.

I am a SAHM, I let all grandparents see kids as much as they want but I don't want him going to hers overnight every single week. I will admit I needed the help to begin with, but I don't anymore. AIBU to put my foot down and say absolutely not or should I just allow it even though I really really don't want to, just to keep the peace?

Seriously, get rid and don’t look back. I had a MIL similar to this and it was a nightmare dealing with her for years. She was toxic to everyone but then would spoil the grandkids and act so affectionate towards them that you felt bad for not pandering to her.

What you wrote about your MIL disowning one of her kids and then forgiving them again rang bells for me, as that is the exact thing that happened with her. She loved to cause drama and everything was always about her. If any other family member said anything critical about me behind my back, she’d be sure to let me know “for my own good” but really just because she liked to divide and conquer.

She’s been dead for two years and I don’t miss her one bit. Take the opportunity to save yourselves years of stress now and cut her off.

If it's not too late , I would put your husband off from going to see her , it will achieve absolutely nothing - just give her another chance for dramatics .

I would worry she'll attempt to hurt herself and your DP will be left feeling responsible. I don't think he should go around and I do think he should put in a call to his mum's GP to say she may well be vulnerable.

Would just like to say we are nc with my mil. She doesn't see the dc, and they function more than well enough without her. Don't feel guilty at all op, she has triggered these series of events all by herself. Your ds will be side tracked with his current important role of big brother.. Dgm isn't well is enough for now.
Protecting yourself and your dc is all that matters to you now. Dh can deal with her as he sees fit. But I agree involving a medical professional would be an appropriate way forward.

A letter would surely be better than a visit. Then there is no possible way he could be linked to any subsequent events.

He's already been round unfortunately. She's threatened to kill herself, he called an ambulance and she's -of course- managed to pull herself together so that she didn't get taken to hospital. My DF (police) has suggested writing everything down as well - so thanks to everyone who suggested that! I doubt this is the end, but I've calmed down, I'm on the sofa having a glass of wine and I feel much better. For tonight at least!

She's obviously not well. Horrible as it sounds, this kind of thing is in your favour should she be mad enough to actually call social services. It's so clearly unhinged and things like ambulance visits will be logged and verifiable.

Oh op, I am so sorry to hear about your awful day. What about the partner of 10 years? Do you have a decent relationship with him? How has he reacted to all of this?

@Cloglover I would probably describe them as 'companions'. They don't live together, but see each other regularly. He's always at family events etc and he's very lovely but nothing has moved forward for them relationship wise in about 8 years. Anyway, he's a very fair man and I don't think he often has to deal with her mad moments. DH has a friendly relationship with him but they're not close.

If he knew the extent of her insanity I doubt he would be with her, but I always get the impression he turns a blind eye her mad ways. It suits him to have a companion that he can go on a day out with once or twice a week, but he's not much more emotionally involved than that!

lexi727 how are things this morning?

@ArtemisWeatherwax she knocked on the door about 7:45 (she knows DH leaves at 7:30!) but my DM was here luckily so she sent her away. She kicked up a massive fuss, but left after we told her we would call the police for trespassing on private property. We have changed locks but stupidly forgot to change the code on the gate so she was still able to get on the drive! All changed now though. We called 101 anyway and just reported her trespassing, so that if this carries on we have some evidence!

She sounds very similar to a MIL I know. All the attention goes on one grandchild whilst she ignores the other. Insists on taking the favoured child away on holiday and blocks out days for them to spend together without asking the parents. She is absolutely obsessed with the favoured child and is rude and anusive to the parents when she doesn’t get her way. Buys the grandchild expensive presents and has no boundaries at all. It has made the parents absolutely miserable and affected their wellbeing in a big way. Nothing is worth this!!! You need to put your foot down NOW.

What was dh’s reaction to today’s events?

@ohfourfoxache he's just exasperated. He's had a few 'I told you so's' from his brothers, and luckily everyone is being really supportive. He's worried she is going to do something stupid and I think he's feeling guilty

Shes being daft and childish. Your child is not her toy and she needs to chill out. Iv got a stepmother whos crazy like this

Hope things calm down..must be so stressful especially with your 6week old to focus on

Sounds like there is a touch of FOG (fear obligation guilt) that he suffers from but that his siblings don’t necessarily have?

Blimey what was she going to do at 7.45am? How bizarre. And to make a fuss!

I hope it all calms down and you and your family get a chance to spend some time together before the guilt tripping starts from her.

Clearly she will never have either child alone again! Just a thought, make sure your plans for Christmas and NY are tight and what you want to do. You don't want to be sleepwalking into a Christmas reunion worthy of easterners.
Might be nice to stay home and receive visitors. Not return home to someone on your doorstep scaring the dc.

hope things have been calm today