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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my savings separate until after marriage?

185 replies

Luki · 17/08/2018 11:21

I think I know what the majority of MNers will say but I just want some clarification.

DP and I together for 8 years, living together for 5 years. House is in both names. We have a joint account for bills/household expenses and a joint savings account. Have discussed/planned a wedding (even down to guestlist and venue) but as yet, no proposal or date. We've had a lot of shit going on in our lives that has put everything on hold.. this is now resolved so I'm hoping this means we can move forward with things soon.

Anyway, I sold my flat a few years ago while we were in the middle of our life drama, so I have roughly 18k from that sale sitting in my personal account. Now that this drama is over, DP has mentioned moving this money into our joint savings account. At first I was happy with this idea but now I've been having second thoughts.

Note I have no intention of splitting with DP and we are both very happy in our relationship. However, the logical side of me thinks I should keep this money separate as if we were ever to split up, I would need it for paying bills/finding somewhere else to live. In the event of a split, our joint savings would obviously be halved between us. DP has a personal account too but I think he only has 1-2k in there.

Once we're married, it won't make a jot of difference but does it make me a bad person for wanting to keep my money as mine at this stage?

OP posts:
parietal · 17/08/2018 11:23

keep it as yours now and even after marriage. DH & I still have separate savings accounts & separate finance after 15 years of marriage.

HollowTalk · 17/08/2018 11:23

No way would that money go into a joint savings account! And he shouldn't ask you to, either.

HollowTalk · 17/08/2018 11:25

It's interesting that he's not suggesting (first) that he puts his extra money into the pot.

Just out of interest, do you earn the same? Do you put the same into the joint a/c and the savings a/c?

IceCreamFace · 17/08/2018 11:25

YANBU. I actually think even in the most secure relationship it's a good idea to have a back-up what if plan. Even if you're happily married and 99% sure you'll never divorce it's a good idea to know that if you did you'd get by. Same in this situation. They're your savings. Presumably you're not planning on using them before you get married so there's no need to switch them over at this stage.

WineAndTiramisu · 17/08/2018 11:26

YANBU. tell him that you've put it into a savings fund and can't get it out for a few years

squadronleader87 · 17/08/2018 11:27

YANBU. You don’t know what the future will bring and the money is yours. I’m married and my husband and I both have separate savings accounts as well as joint spending ones. There’s nothing wrong with that. It does give you some protection if something were to happen in your relationship. Keep the money separate.

senua · 17/08/2018 11:27

It's such a shame that you can't have ISAs in joint names.Wink

TittyGolightly · 17/08/2018 11:29

keep it as yours now and even after marriage. DH & I still have separate savings accounts & separate finance after 15 years of marriage.

Likewise.

PurpleTigerLove · 17/08/2018 11:31

Keep it separate.We still have separate current accounts and separate savings accounts and we’ve been together 20 years . It’s important to have access to some money that’s just yours .

WomanWithAltitude · 17/08/2018 11:32

YANBU. Particularly as you appear to have discussed a wedding but haven't yet actually got engaged? So there is nothing legally protecting either of you.

Is he the higher earner, or you? If him, it sounds like he doesn't want to commit to marriage (which will place a financial responsibility on HIM) but is happy to use YOUR money in the meantime.

If someone really wants to marry, they go ahead and do it. My DH and I agreed to get married, organised a small wedding and did it in the space of 6 weeks. Talking about a hypothetical guestlist isn't any kind of commitment at all.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 17/08/2018 11:33

I would keep it as 'emergency money' - every woman needs such a fund.

WomanWithAltitude · 17/08/2018 11:33

Also, DH and I still have separate savings accounts. In practice it all gets used/saved for joint stuff, but it's always good to have a small fund of your own, that no one can block you from accessing.

Hidillyho · 17/08/2018 11:34

I wouldn’t ever move it to a joint account and I’m pretty relaxed with most financial things between me and DP

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/08/2018 11:35

i don't think many people go in to marriage /long term partnership with the idea if we split up it will be amicable. you could be together 25 + but what happens if it goes toes up ?
even now if you put your money into a joint savings account, it only takes one argument and it could be legally emptied out. keep it separate.

Bluelady · 17/08/2018 11:36

Keep it separate now and after you're married. It's yours, don't turn it into a marital asset. We've been married for 18 years, I still have a pot of money my husband doesn't know exists.

Original poster
Luki · 17/08/2018 11:38

@HollowTalk @WomanWithAltitude
I am the higher earner and contribute much more to the joint bills account. Joint savings account is a more 50/50 contribution. We don't add to it religiously every month, just transfer random amounts as and when. He has said he will add his 1-2k to it.

OP posts:
paintinmyhairAgain · 17/08/2018 11:40

no, that's big of him putting in his 1 -2k that's the sweetner, if he does then if you want put the equal amount in but keep the bulk for you. if he argues the toss about it that would be a red flag to me.

Original poster
Luki · 17/08/2018 11:41

@paintinmyhairAgain
This is why I'm having second thoughts. I have obviously been lurking around the Relationships board too much! I know my DP would be amicable and wouldn't run off with our joint money but I have seen so many threads where one partner has done just that with absolutely no warning. It kinda sticks in the brain a bit.

OP posts:
ShumpaLumpa · 17/08/2018 11:43

Keep your savings for yourself even after marriage.

DH and I contribute a proportion of our salaries to our joint account for bills/mortgage/food/holidays but keep the rest in our own accounts. I have a current account and a savings account.

DH earns more but fritters spends more money than me. I have much more saved than him. I don't want to control his spending but neither do I want to give him the benefit of my savings just because I am more tight frugal.

WomanWithAltitude · 17/08/2018 11:43

Well that at least makes it less likely that the marriage talk is just stringing you along (plenty of men do that sadly).

But you still don't need savings in joint accounts. It's your money, and you don't want anyone else being able to spend it without your agreement. DH and I have separate savings and have never considered a joint savings account.

Money is still viewed as shared family money, but if we split up I have a fund he couldn't clear out (not that I think he would, but you never know).

Joint accounts are practical for current accounts. And we have one of those. But not savings.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/08/2018 11:44

Why does he suggest this is a good idea?
What is his reasoning?
Keep your money OP.
Sorry but I'm seeing red flags waving here!

HollowTalk · 17/08/2018 11:45

Quite honestly, an awful lot of women find that they don't know their partners as well as they thought, and others find their partners have a sudden personality change, often sparked by closeness to another woman.

If he's wary of marriage, then I would pay exactly what he pays into both the savings and the joint account. Keep things fair.

I'd advise you to have a think about this guy again. You're helping to fund his lifestyle and he wants you to put all of your money into the joint account, so that he massively benefits again.

And yet he's reluctant to commit to you... Think about it, OP. If this was your daughter, what would you advise her to do? I'd say to my daughter - pay half, but not more than half. Keep your savings separate. Don't invest more emotionally, either - you're a bloody good catch in a million different ways and he should be fighting to be with you permanently.

mummmy2017 · 17/08/2018 11:46

Tell him you want to keep it for now, and use it as family money once your married....
Then he is going to have to set some sort of dateline for marriage, or admit your not getting married for a while.

WomanWithAltitude · 17/08/2018 11:46

Also, the same goes for him. If we split up, he would want access to his own money that I couldn't clear out.

I know it sounds extreme, but these things do happen. A friend of mine got divorced from her husband last year. The first thing he did was clear out all shared accounts so she had no access to money. She couldn't even afford to feed her dog, he didn't give a shit and just wanted to punish her for leaving. Then he changed the locks and wouldn't let her access the house to retrieve her possessions.

Before that, I wouldn't have thought he was capable of such behaviour. Now I know better. Everyone should have a backup plan.

TwitterQueen1 · 17/08/2018 11:49

OP I knew my ex would be honourable and support his children - until he cleared out the joint account, left me with two mortgages to pay and refused to pay child maintenance.