To keep my savings separate until after marriage?

[Luki]

I think I know what the majority of MNers will say but I just want some clarification.

DP and I together for 8 years, living together for 5 years. House is in both names. We have a joint account for bills/household expenses and a joint savings account. Have discussed/planned a wedding (even down to guestlist and venue) but as yet, no proposal or date. We've had a lot of shit going on in our lives that has put everything on hold.. this is now resolved so I'm hoping this means we can move forward with things soon.

Anyway, I sold my flat a few years ago while we were in the middle of our life drama, so I have roughly 18k from that sale sitting in my personal account. Now that this drama is over, DP has mentioned moving this money into our joint savings account. At first I was happy with this idea but now I've been having second thoughts.

Note I have no intention of splitting with DP and we are both very happy in our relationship. However, the logical side of me thinks I should keep this money separate as if we were ever to split up, I would need it for paying bills/finding somewhere else to live. In the event of a split, our joint savings would obviously be halved between us. DP has a personal account too but I think he only has 1-2k in there.

Once we're married, it won't make a jot of difference but does it make me a bad person for wanting to keep my money as mine at this stage?

Yes as I siad it is very common indeed that in order to house children all assets marital or otherwise are used, time and time and time again in English law. Most familes do not have huge pots of money available to buy husband and wife each a nice house after divorce. Most hardly have anything. If this £18k were the only asset or a large part of their assets I am 100% certain it would be used to house children and be part of what is divided on divorce. If you don't want that to happen then you either need to ensure you don't marry or else try wit both sides having separate lawyers to get some kind of binding pre or post nuptial agreement but that will not be valid if that £18k is needed to ensure a fair settlement is arrived at that houses the children.

So by your reckoning my friends and I aren’t allowed an opinion on things we haven’t experienced, like what we’d do with finances if we had kids?

Nope. It's a free country so you can have an opinion on whatever you want, however little you know about the subject. Other people are allowed to point out when you have no idea what you're talking about though.

Just like I can go onto forums with people who live in Australia or are unusually tall or are nurses and tell them all about how I'd arrange my life if I was in any of those situations, even though I never plan to be, and that all my friends and partner who are similarly ignorant of the topic all agree with me. And that my view is as valid as theirs. And no doubt get a similar response to the one you've had.

Seriously, do a few searches on threads about the issue of the WOHP seeing the money as their to dole out to the SAHP like an allowance. And of people having no idea of the reality of parenthood before they do it. This discussion isn't the first time it's come up!

JohnnyFinland

As for the holiday thing, my boyfriend and I had this recently. He earns less than me. I described a particular holiday I’d like and he said it was out of his price range. I said ok, I’ll pay a bit more towards it. He said he wasn’t comfortable with me effectively subsidising him so yes if I go it will be alone or with a friend who can afford it. I don’t really see the issues there, I offered, he declined! And no we don’t have kids, neither of us want them

It's a bit sad for your DP. You're always going to have access to opportunities that he won't have. It shouldn't matter whose money it is.

I know you say you don't want kids but this wouldn't work for a couple with kids. Will the higher earner take kids away on expensive holidays that lower earning parent can't afford?

To be fair, it's the boyfriend who says he's unhappy with the subsidy, he could have just accepted what was on offer.

True, but in a long term relationship or marriage that discomfort about needing to be subsidised could get wearing.

I think it's fairer for each to pay a fair proportion of their salaries into a joint account and holidays are paid out of that.

To be honest, most MN attitudes to money are alien to me. We have completely separate finances aside from our joint ownership of the house. We each pay some of the bills and when it comes to holidays, whoever's got the money at the time pays, the other usually pays for all meals, drinks etc while we're away. Swings and roundabouts.

Yeah johnny has actually said she wanted to treat her boyfriend, she might be quite upset about him refusing it! I think I would be, but you can't make someone go on holiday with you.

He’s probably more militant than me about splitting everything fairly. I don’t mind paying for dinner/activities etc and I always offer when I want to do something but he isn’t sure he can afford it when he’s short of money but he always insists on contributing his half. We don’t live together but if we did we’d put the same % of our salaries towards bills, obviously in real terms my contribution would be more because I earn more. Whatever’s left over in each of our accounts is ours to do what we want with. I don’t know how much personal spending money he has, he doesn’t know how much I have, I don’t feel like we need to know and I don’t think it should be exactly the same just because we’re together. I’ve been the lower earner in a relationship and lived with that guy, it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to feel like we should both have the same amount after everything was paid. He actually wanted to open a joint account and I said no!

No, it's your money so keep it separate - it doesn't mean that I wouldn't spend it on joint things but I would want it recognised that I had paid for re-doing the bathroom (as an example) in the case of a split

People just differ. We just had everything joint in our marriage - all joint accounts. We would discuss holidays and big spending in advance and our biggest expenses were always mortgage and full time childcare.