To keep my savings separate until after marriage?

[Luki]

I think I know what the majority of MNers will say but I just want some clarification.

DP and I together for 8 years, living together for 5 years. House is in both names. We have a joint account for bills/household expenses and a joint savings account. Have discussed/planned a wedding (even down to guestlist and venue) but as yet, no proposal or date. We've had a lot of shit going on in our lives that has put everything on hold.. this is now resolved so I'm hoping this means we can move forward with things soon.

Anyway, I sold my flat a few years ago while we were in the middle of our life drama, so I have roughly 18k from that sale sitting in my personal account. Now that this drama is over, DP has mentioned moving this money into our joint savings account. At first I was happy with this idea but now I've been having second thoughts.
Note I have no intention of splitting with DP and we are both very happy in our relationship. However, the logical side of me thinks I should keep this money separate as if we were ever to split up, I would need it for paying bills/finding somewhere else to live. In the event of a split, our joint savings would obviously be halved between us. DP has a personal account too but I think he only has 1-2k in there.

Once we're married, it won't make a jot of difference but does it make me a bad person for wanting to keep my money as mine at this stage?

[WomanWithAltitude]

And the fact that you're worried about offending him says a lot.

DH has never asked me to do this and I've never asked him. But when we do make financial suggestions, nobody is put under pressure for fear of offending the other. Finances should be discussed, And nobody should be put under any pressure to commit money in a way they aren't comfortable with.

[UpstartCrow]

After you are married keep your savings separate.
He's talked about marriage but he hasn't proposed. He's set up an expectation that you will add £18,000 to the joint savings, while you don't even know how much he has in his savings account.

[WomanWithAltitude]

Everyone is 100% in agreement, which is very rare on AIBU.

[BewareOfDragons]

Keep it separate. There's no reason to put it there at the moment. You can each put a percentage of your income into the joint pot as you get it. The sale of your prior home isn't his, especially since you're not married.

And if you do think you're actually going to get married, ask him to sign something saying he has no rights to it. His reaction will tell you what you're really wondering about him.

Notice he didn't put his money in to the joint savings, but asked for yours. Again, I suspect; highly doubt it's the first time he's verbally clocked it and hinted/asked you to do it.

[trojanpony]

At first I was happy with this idea but now I've been having second thoughts.

Keep having those seconds thoughts.

You may well be in love, and he may well be lovely, but he may not be in the future and even with all the “guest lists” in the world, you still aren’t married.

You would be foolish to give up this security. Doing it has no upside for you at all, and no benefit to you or your partner in the here and now (but clearly a huge potential upside for him/downside for you in the future)

[Ellisandra]

As for needing to see things in the same place? Is he 5 and needs to rattle a porcelain pig?

My assets:

• 4 work pensions that aren’t instantly visible
  
• 2 private pensions that are, but separate websites
  
• 2 ISAs, instantly visible but in 2 more websites
  
• current account
  
• some shares I would have to find the paperwork to remind me how many I hold, then google current USD price and concert
  
• a sharesave scheme that’s a faff to get into
  

So top of my head, 11 different places. I could tell you now, to within 10%, what they add up to.

Cos I’m not 5. He’s being stupid.

[HollowTalk]

How did you decide on the original budget for the joint account? If I was living with someone (unmarried) I would suggest we put in the same amount, even if he earned more. If he then decided to put in more, that's fine, but I wouldn't have expected it.

Is he happy to spend more than his wages, safe in the knowledge your money is there?

[BewareOfDragons]

The minute you put that money in a joint account with his name on it, he can take it. End of.

You are having second thoughts for a reason. Don't do it.

You are not married to him. Don't do it.

You have had problems as a couple, almost splitting. Don't do it.

First thing he focused on when you got back together was your money. Don't do it.

Do you have a firm wedding date booked yet? Bet not. Don't do it.

Just don't.

[nbee84]

I haven't read every post but I 2nd one that was nearer the beginning - put it into an isa.

[peodar]

Let him be offended then!

You need to first call him out on the wedding date - are you engaged or not?

The only reason we have a joint savings account is because a bunch of elderly relatives wrote us cheques in both names when we got married so needed somewhere to put the gifts. It's now much more efficient to keep the money in a higher interest account or ISA, but we don't even have a joint current account - bills are in both names and a spreadsheet keeps us right.

Tell him the money's gone, see what happens. Alternatively tell him it's to cover you on maternity leave, but that will only happen once you're protected by marriage

[FASH84]

DH and I have a joint account for bills and joint savings, we each have our own current account and our own savings. We frequently use these for household purchases but I see no issue with maintaining separate finances after marriage, unless he had contributed more to your current property for example and you had means to balance that

[CrumbsInBed]

Sorry, x posted, but I’m concerned that you feel he’d be a bit offended if you decide not to share 💐.

[Jux]

How about coming completely clean with him?

[Oblomov18]

I'm seeing red flags all over the place here!

[Cliveybaby]

hmm it's a no from me too sorry!
We are actually in a similar situation, been together nearly 7 years, just bought a house together (equal contribution). We have discussed it and said that when we get married we'll combine savings.
HOWEVER, we have booked our wedding, it's in a few months, and are both quite risk-averse.

[Rebecca36]

Keep your money!

[Cliveybaby]

I'll add that we do have a joint current account, which is basically household stuff (shopping etc). And a joint savings, which is currently our wedding fund, but is where we'll put everything after the wedding.

[TangelasVine]

Another vote for keeping some money in your own name. I know someone whose husband had his bank accounts frozen pending an investigation. If they hadn't had money in her name they'd have all been up shit creek. I've been married a while and we have money in each of our names separately plus joint.

[Sunnymeg]

A friend was persuaded to do this
Her DH spent her substantial savings on a new top of the range car, without consulting her. It caused huge ructions and they separated shortly after. OP do not do this,. Your. Partner has raised this issue for a reason, you don't know, what that reason is

[DontCallMeCharlotte]

"I'll transfer it into the joint savings account when we get back from our honeymoon. Your call..."

[Mitzimaybe]

Do not do this. Even after marriage, keep it in your own account. If you need it for house stuff then you can decide whether or not to spend it at that point. How is your joint home financed?

I'm in a similar situation to you. I sold my house and we bought one together. I had moved from an expensive to cheaper part of the country so I had a significant amount of money left over. That money is mine, even though we are married now; we didn't get a prenup but I have emails from when we discussed it before marriage where he agrees that it's my money and he doesn't have a claim on it. Things don't automatically become 50:50 just because you get married. Doesn't mean I won't spend it on him if the circumstances arise.

As you are the major breadwinner, think carefully about how finances will work before having children with this man.

[PigletJohn]

Put it in an ISA. The limit this year is £20k so you can do it in a single transaction.

Interest rates are currently derisory. One that you can operate by internet is convenient, provided you have some way of keeping your password confidential. If it is in a bank or financial institution different from the one where your other bank account is, IMO it's a bit safer.

You don't need to be scared of things going wrong, this is a sensible move anyway.

[JessicaJonesJacket]

Keep your savings in your own bank account or invest it. Please don't suggest you use your savings to pay for the wedding.
DH and I have separate savings/assets.
My DM was a very traditional wife in lots of ways but she always, always stressed that a woman should have her own money and after reading the relationships boards on here, I'm so glad she did.
From a financial risk pov, it also makes sense to have money in different accounts and with different banks.

[3stonedown]

I would keep it in your account even after marriage too, take a couple of thousand out to put in joint if you want.

What I don't understand about it being both of yours after marriage anyway is what happens if one of you wakes up one morning and decides to leave the other and spend all the cash (buying a car or something), it's all very well saying it's joint money but when it's been spent it doesn't really matter does it?

[LaPufalina]

I have a similar financial situation, came into my relationship better off and with savings. Now married and they're still my savings; if I needed a running away fund they're there! Also as a PP said ISAs can only be held in one name.
I shouldn't have them up for any negotiation until you're married, and even then, you don't need to.