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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my savings separate until after marriage?

185 replies

Luki · 17/08/2018 11:21

I think I know what the majority of MNers will say but I just want some clarification.

DP and I together for 8 years, living together for 5 years. House is in both names. We have a joint account for bills/household expenses and a joint savings account. Have discussed/planned a wedding (even down to guestlist and venue) but as yet, no proposal or date. We've had a lot of shit going on in our lives that has put everything on hold.. this is now resolved so I'm hoping this means we can move forward with things soon.

Anyway, I sold my flat a few years ago while we were in the middle of our life drama, so I have roughly 18k from that sale sitting in my personal account. Now that this drama is over, DP has mentioned moving this money into our joint savings account. At first I was happy with this idea but now I've been having second thoughts.

Note I have no intention of splitting with DP and we are both very happy in our relationship. However, the logical side of me thinks I should keep this money separate as if we were ever to split up, I would need it for paying bills/finding somewhere else to live. In the event of a split, our joint savings would obviously be halved between us. DP has a personal account too but I think he only has 1-2k in there.

Once we're married, it won't make a jot of difference but does it make me a bad person for wanting to keep my money as mine at this stage?

OP posts:
paintinmyhairAgain · 17/08/2018 11:50

with the best of intentions you can't know that your partner will be decent in the event of a break up, unless you have a crystal ball Smile.seriously though things can and do turn sour quickly and good intentions no matter how well intended get kicked to the kerb.

CrumbsInBed · 17/08/2018 11:50

YANNU, op.

Original poster
Luki · 17/08/2018 11:51

The plan for the money in the joint savings is to do some house repairs/improvements. New boiler, new kitchen etc. I think DP just assumed I would be adding the 18k to the pot so there is more available for the house. (At present, we do have enough for those things already).

@hellsbellsmelons his words were "So all of our savings are in one place". He is very much a "it needs to be in one place so I can see everything there is to see" sort of person. He is like that in all aspects of life, not just money.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 17/08/2018 11:52

Add the same as him to the joint account if you are happy to do. Definitely DO NOT add the full amount - keep a ‘you pot’ for rainy days etc.

Check out If you were to get married and end up divorcing do all funds/cars etc go onto a pot then get divided up? I am sure this is what a solicitors advised me.

WomanWithAltitude · 17/08/2018 11:53

Has be explained why he needs to access your savings?

Savings generally only get used for large purchases that you have both agreed on. In which case you'll pay your share at the point it's needed.

He shouldn't need instant access to your savings.... savings shouldn't get used for daily expenditure or on a whim. That's why shared current accounts are common, but not shared savings.

Fishface77 · 17/08/2018 11:53

If you have enough money in the joint account to do the work you want, why does he need to “see” the rest??
What’s your general day to day life like?
I know life gets in the way but if you really really wanted to you could have got engaged and even married if you wanted to so what stopped you?

HollowTalk · 17/08/2018 11:54

Well, I would say, "Our savings ARE in the same place - in the joint savings account. Your savings are in your account and mine are in my account - there's no reason to put them all together right now. It's not as if we're married and share everything, is it?"

Hadalifeonce · 17/08/2018 11:55

If you have that amount of money in a personal account, it isn't working for you. See a financial adviser to invest in a low(ish) risk scheme to earn some money for you. Even if you don't speak to an adviser, I'm surprised your bank isn't suggesting you do something with it. Keep it in your name.

WomanWithAltitude · 17/08/2018 11:56

If they end up divorcing, your savings go into the pot and are a marital asset like any other. However, they aren't even married! If he dips into it she'll have no comeback at all.

OP - Money is one of the areas in life where you have to plan for the worst and look out for yourself. Never put yourself in a position where you could be rendered penniless by your partner in an instant. I know too many women who have come a cropped at the hands of men they thought they could trust.

Ellisandra · 17/08/2018 11:57

Yeah... no.
It’s your money.

And actually, even if you do get married (and it is if) your money doesn’t just become HIS.

On divorce, there’d be a theoretical start point of 50/50 sure... but that’s theoretical. The law does NOT say that after marriage, you have equal rights to half of each other’s assets. The legal right it gives you is the right to make a claim.

And during the marriage - it doesn’t just become his. There is no law that makes you share it. You may choose a marriage of equal access to all income, that’s your choice - not the law.

I earn 4x my husband. I have lots more savings - in my name. He actually has house equity equal to my savings, but day to day I earn more. He doesn’t give a shit that I have more money, I don’t give a shit that I pay for far more than him. He doesn’t need or want my money in his account and I wouldn’t have married him if he did.

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/08/2018 11:58

either holder can draw on a joint account. i took out 2k of a joint account with exh and left 2k on it for him. he bitched to my solicitor that he wanted to keep it for legal expenses ! wtf ?? then had the cheek to say as you are going onto benefits why are you speaking to the c.s.a ? to help support our 4 children under 8 perhaps.
eventually he did step up the plate and paid regularly but it was a struggle.

Missingstreetlife · 17/08/2018 11:58

I think you need legal advice, and should make wills.
I believe assets you had before marriage remain your own afterwards, anything you accumulate when married is jointly owned and split in divorce (hence prenup).
What do you want to happen in the event you have children.

SerenDippitty · 17/08/2018 11:58

Keep it as yours. DH and I have some joint savings, some separate and separate bank accounts.

Original poster
Luki · 17/08/2018 11:59

@Fishface77 The aforementioned "life drama" had the potential to leave us homeless. It was a greatly stressful time in our lives and marriage and almost everything else was pushed way way down our list of priorities. Luckily we're in the clear now so life is slowly going back to normal.

@HollowTalk this is excellent. DP has mentioned though how happy he is in our relationship that we do share and communicate everything "as if we were already married". I think he'd be a bit offended if I suddenly say "I'm not sharing this with you".

OP posts:
CrumbsInBed · 17/08/2018 11:59

No, you’re not being a bad person for wanting to keep the money as yours at this stage.

Just a question:
What do you think his reaction will be when you tell him you’re keeping the money separate for now? That would be very telling for the future.

Hollowtalk has raised a good point, why has he not offered to move any money from his savings account?

Jaxhog · 17/08/2018 11:59

We've been married for over 40 years and still have separate savings accounts!

Bluelady · 17/08/2018 12:00

OP, the more you add, the more I think you should keep firm hold of that money.

Iwantaunicorn · 17/08/2018 12:00

My dh and I share all our finances, so this is unusual for me to think, but I’d keep that money out of the joint savings, and in your own account. I’d probably match whatever he puts in to the joint savings from his personal savings, but there’s no way I’d want to risk 18k, especially without being married. I know marriage doesn’t mean he won’t wipe the account out!

Collaborate · 17/08/2018 12:02

Out of interest, how did you both contribute to the purchase of your current property? If he sold a property and put £18k in to your current home, unmatched by you, then I'd say YABU, but if not it would be sensible because, as you rightly point out, in the event pf a pre-marriage split you'd be gifting him £9,000.

Thehop · 17/08/2018 12:02

Keep it in your own account even post marriage I say.

Very sensible

WomanWithAltitude · 17/08/2018 12:02

how happy he is in our relationship that wedoshare and communicate everything "as if we were already married"

Marriage doesn't oblige you to share everything with your partner. Obviously I'm not condoning financial abuse, but marriage does not mean giving up everything that is only yours.

The statement above is odd... is he generally relaxed about you having a life beyond him (your own hobbies, friends, weekends away etc)?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/08/2018 12:03

OP, the more you add, the more I think you should keep firm hold of that money
Me too!!!!!

HollowTalk · 17/08/2018 12:03

Well, when he says "as though we were already married" you need to stop him short and say, "but we're not married, we're living together. It's completely different!"

The fact is that that money will be needed by you if your relationship ends. It will give you a safety net that would be difficult to find if you shared all your money with him.

Realistically, if he had that amount of money in savings and he was paying much more into the joint account, do you really think he'd be offering to put it into joint savings? Really? When he hasn't put his £1,000 in?

CheesecakeAddict · 17/08/2018 12:03

No, I would keep it. That is your money. Put some over, sure, but why put all of it over.

I have been with dh for 10 years (albeit married only a month), we have a child together and still have separate finances and manage fine.

mummmy2017 · 17/08/2018 12:05

Tell him it's your wedding fund.
So when he finally agrees a date you won't have to save for it....
But that if he puts 2k in the savings so will you...