To keep my savings separate until after marriage?

[Luki]

I think I know what the majority of MNers will say but I just want some clarification.

DP and I together for 8 years, living together for 5 years. House is in both names. We have a joint account for bills/household expenses and a joint savings account. Have discussed/planned a wedding (even down to guestlist and venue) but as yet, no proposal or date. We've had a lot of shit going on in our lives that has put everything on hold.. this is now resolved so I'm hoping this means we can move forward with things soon.

Anyway, I sold my flat a few years ago while we were in the middle of our life drama, so I have roughly 18k from that sale sitting in my personal account. Now that this drama is over, DP has mentioned moving this money into our joint savings account. At first I was happy with this idea but now I've been having second thoughts.
Note I have no intention of splitting with DP and we are both very happy in our relationship. However, the logical side of me thinks I should keep this money separate as if we were ever to split up, I would need it for paying bills/finding somewhere else to live. In the event of a split, our joint savings would obviously be halved between us. DP has a personal account too but I think he only has 1-2k in there.

Once we're married, it won't make a jot of difference but does it make me a bad person for wanting to keep my money as mine at this stage?

[WomanWithAltitude]

when we get married we'll combine savings

Clivey - Why? What's the benefit?

As long as you are both open about the contents of savings accounts, And happy to contribute to mutually agreed large purchases out of savings, what is the benefit of combining? And if you aren't those things.... definitely don't combine!

[Rosemary46]

Great post @bewareofdragons

[FlatPackFurnitureCompAnyone]

Apart from anything else, let's say your DP died suddenly (sorry to mention it, but it tragically does happen to people!). In such a terrible event, you might well find yourself paying inheritance tax on your own money! Or at the very least having to go through a tiresome procedure to prove that the funds had been contributed by you, and at a time when you were least equipped to be dealing with such a hassle.

www.boodlehatfield.com/the-firm/articles/joint-accounts-whose-money-is-it/

Basically, don't do it. It's idiocy.

[Cliveybaby]

I can see the argument for not totally combining... I hadn't really considered that to be honest, only total merge or totally separate. But it might be an idea to keep a little something separate.
Without wanting to go into too much detail, DP has a good bit more than me at present, (earns more, plus early death of parent means he had an inheritance), but I expect it'll even up, as my parents are quite wealthy and I am just finishing my education (to a much higher level than him).

[Rosemary46]

"So all of our savings are in one place". He is very much a "it needs to be in one place so I can see everything there is to see" sort of person. He is like that in all aspects of life, not just money

Can you say more about this OP? Does he need to see your email or open your mail ? what others things of yours does he need to know all about ?

[spanishwife]

Even when you are married there's no reason to pool it

Me and my husband have a joint savings account for joint goals (e.g. holidays and house stuff) where we have an agreed amount each month that we put in. Then we each have a separate personal saving for our own stuff. If I want to save up for a handbag or he wants to do a trip away with his brother then we can do our own things without needing to 'ask permission' or constantly worry about balancing it up.

If you WANT to share the £18k then that's your call, but it's absolutely not a given that it's just 'his/our' money once you're married. I recently got a chunk of money given to me and my husband NEVER assumed that it would be for us to share, but I have decided to use it for a special trip we'd planned - but again, my call.

[HollowTalk]

You say you've had a lot of shit things happen in your life - are any of those connected to the way he behaves?

[HelloBrass]

If by having more funds in the joint account attacted a higher rate of interest, then I would understand the reasoning but I still wouldn't do it.

It's also worth to bear in mind that joint bank accounts are owned as Joint Tenants. If you were to die, he would automatically recieve all the funds in that account. It wouldn't go into your estate to be distributed under your Will (if you have one).

[MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni]

As a general rule I think it's perfectly reasonable to keep savings and finances separate when not married. I'd never have considered a joint account before marriage and actually we only have one now for bills. Exception would be if eg you had more money than him because you work more while he does more childcare. In which case fairness would require the approach to reflect his non-financial contributions. Doesn't sound like that's the case here though.

Couple of questions, does he actually want to get married and has it been discussed? He seems quite keen on being like a married couple without being one. Might be useful to explain to him how that's not a thing.

Also, do you hold the house as joint tenants or tenants in common? If the former, I'd think carefully about putting 18k more in to do up the house than he is, while not married. I'd want some reflection of my extra investment if we split, and while divorce proceedings offer the opportunity for that to be taken into account, there are no divorce proceedings when an unmarried couple split up. So it's more complicated to get recognition.

[Bellabutterfly2016]

Tell him that's fine if he'll match it and if he's got £2k put £2k of yours in.

Or just tell him you're putting it in your pension pot xx

[Luki]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply to me. I'm also shocked that there has been a unanimous AIBU for once I did expect to be told I wasn't BU though.

To answer a few more questions.. the deposit/legal expenses/stamp duty was paid for by me. However we do have a signed and sealed legal document to say that I get that money back if/when we do sell the house.

He doesn't need to see my mail/emails/personal stuff, and yes he's more than happy for me to have friends/a social life.

No, @HollowTalk none of our shit things have been caused by him, it's all been me and he's unfortunately just been dragged into it. No fault of his.

[Luki]

@Cliveybaby I'm the same as you. I hadn't seen it any other way than total merge or totally separate. I also just assumed that once we're married, the 18k would be a marital asset anyway.

[scottishdiem]

When its a man with money its joint family money. When its a women with money its a private rainy day, protected fund.

Never entirely sure why.

I would keep certain monies separate but then I dont mind the higher earner spender their earnings on what they want. A lot of women here dont like their partners spending money on hobbies etc after bills etc are paid. Especially if the woman is earning less than the partner.

[hellsbellsmelons]

When its a man with money its joint family money. When its a women with money its a private rainy day, protected fund
Bollox. The issue with not being married is that women get naff all.
They get left holding the baby. Having to cope with nothing after putting in years and years. You see threads on here all the time!
That's why we always tell women on here NOT to have kids until they are married.
It's standard and has been like this forever.

If this was a guy, unmarried, who had 18K and the woman was asking for it to be joint, I would give exactly the same advice!!!

[Svalberg]

The FSCS scheme means it's sensible to spread your savings around over different financial institutions, not to keep them all together.

It's also a good idea to keep your savings with a different provider to your mortgage so that they can't be used to pay the mortgage off if the lender goes bust.

[Sockwomble]

We have a joint current account with money going every month into a joint savings account and individual stocks and shares accounts. I consider it all family money but I like that there is something in my name only. We know what is in each others accounts so there is no need for a joint account to know that

[spanishwife]

You can totally do a hybrid system OP. This works so well for me and my husband and we respect each other's need for personal savings for personal things (as said above, handbags, holidays with other people etc):

1. Have a joint current account for regular outgoings (bills, mortgage)
   
2. A joint savings for joint goals (house renovations, wedding, holidays) 3) Our own current account to put your salary in, usual buying stuff day to day
   
3. Your own separate savings account where you save up for your own things and keep your bulk sums until you decide to spend them.
   
   Just because you are married doesn't mean he automatically gets your £18K, maybe in a divorce? But I assume you aren't planning for that to happen!

[choli]

Maybe his plan is to pay for the wedding from the joint account. So you will pay for the wedding as well as the house.

[MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni]

When its a man with money its joint family money. When its a women with money its a private rainy day, protected fund.

Never entirely sure why.

Then let's clarify it.

That would be because the men who are described as keeping their money to themselves are almost invariably earning and/or saving more because the woman is doing more of the childcare than they are, and/or buying a greater share of the things for the children. Like their shoes and hobbies coming from her personal spends etc.

Nothing OP has said suggests they even have children, much less that DP is shouldering a disproportionate share of the costs and childcare. Clearly the situation is very different when one partner isn't doing a disproportionate share of childcare and losing money because of that.

[cheezeontoast]

YANBU

There's no reason for savings accounts to be in joint names. If you are married then any account is a joint asset. While you're not married you're sensible to keep this money separate.

My DH and I share all our money, both salaries to the one account which pays all bills, personal spending etc.
Even we have savings accounts in our own name, because the best places to save, like ISAs, need to be held by an individual.

[Singlenotsingle]

Keep it separately in your own name. Otherwise you're just giving him a large wodge of money that he can access as he pleases. It's your security blanket - your emergency money.

[Junkmail]

My husband and I have been together for seven years and still keep our money separate. It’s not something that was negotiable for me. It avoids arguements and ill feeling. End of story for me and it works for us.

[Bluelady]

It's not true that any account is a joint asset if you're married. Any assets accrued before marriage and in a sole name remain the property of that person and don't become marital assets. This is the same for a savings account or a property.

Keep your money, OP, now and after marriage.

[Johnnyfinland]

scottishdiem I agree. I’m a strong advocate for separate finances but the double standards are ridiculous. I bet if this was a man posting people would be advising him that once they were married it would be joint and not to be so tight. Saying men aren’t entitled to keep separate money because the woman’s doing the childcare doesn’t change anything imo, it just means he’s keeping another adult as well as his children and is still just as entitled to keep surplus spending money for his own use once everything/everyone else is paid for

[MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni]

Well, you can hold that opinion if you wish, but it remains the case that a setup where one partner is taking an income hit to do childcare is one that is different to a setup where this isn't happening. And that for many people this will be significant. And that many threads about family money will feature this setup, so you are failing to compare like with like. It doesn't actually matter whether you think the difference is important. Point is that it exists and some of the people commenting will.