To have accidentally read DD's text messages.

[catweasel44]

DS1 is 12. He asked me to put his phone on charge earlier when he went to bed. There was then a phone call from a girl he knows (and 'went out with' very briefly in an 11 year old kind of way last year. I gave him his phone back.

However I've just been into his room to retrieve it and charge it up and saw the WhatsApp conversation.

I know I'm not supposed to read it but I did.

He's not being very nice to her. Nothing too awful but she has asked him out again and he is being a bit of a twat to her. In a slightly humiliating way/not bothered way. And told her that he'd told all his mates that she's asked but he was undecided.

I know I'm not supposed to have seen them so can't actually say anything but I would like to think better of him.

I would really like to tell his friend that she deserves better than that. And to tell him that he needs to be kind.

But I can't.

What do I do? Anything? Do I just have to get used to this sort of thing?

Am I raising a monster?

I would personally have a word with him and explain how his words/behaviour could be affecting her.

How do you accidentally read a whole conversation?

What's he said in response to her asking him out?

Sorry, that should have been DS. Bloody autocorrect.

Nothing tbh, at 11 I don’t think those conversations are that serious. They’re not literally dating like a 16 year old might

I personally think that you should just leave it. As you're not completely freaking out, I'm guessing that the messages were not that awful? Tweens/teens often say things they shouldn't but it almost always gets ironed out slowly over time with maturity.

I know I'm not supposed to read it but I did.

How else would you check he was using social media safely?

It should be a condition of having social media at that age that parents have passwords and can check at any time.

I would deal with this behaviour in the same way I would if I had overheard a similar verbal conversation.

I mean I haven’t read the conversation and tone of the messages - you have. If they’re that awful then have a word

He is 12, it's absolutely fine to have read his messages, just tell him to cop on and be nasty

*not be nasty obviously

Obviously I didn't accidentally read the whole conversation. I accidentally saw the conversation on screen and then decided to read it

She has asked if he'll go out with her. He didn't reply. She sent him a couple more messages. He asked her how much she liked him. Then said he was undecided. He even said 'meh' then said that he'd told his friends.

And that he still hadn't decided if he wants to go out with her.

Then she tried to ring him.

Honestly, he's being a dick.

I would admit I had seen them and tell him why it's wrong. If he really was trying to keep something from you he would manage it and this won't change that..

I know I'm not supposed to have seen them so can't actually say anything

So when your young boy got his smartphone what rules were put in place for its use? Did you tell him that you want his passwords? Did you tell him that you would be very regularly checking his phone? Have you controls on it so that you can see what apps he may have downloaded? Do you have any actual clue as to who or what he may be doing online or are you living under a rock????

Maybe he doesn't know how to tell her no? Were her follow up messages things like "Well??" He doesn't need to tell his mates though.

No, he knows I have access to his phone. That was the deal.

We have had a couple of instances in the past where I have intervened due to messages his friend was sending in a group chat. So he knows I can read them. I also have to approve every app etc.

But I don't want him thinking I read every single message he sends!

He’s 12? Surely you have every right to still monitor his phone use? I’m not saying reading every message etc but an occasionally spot check surely isn’t unexpected? Maybe now would be a good time to step in and have a chat about the way we treat people regardless of whether we are in a relationship with them or not.

I'd be having a chat with your ds about respect. How would he like it if someone strung him along?

He needs to tell her he likes her as a friend but doesn't want to go out and be honest. It may be that he doesn't know how to address this situation and is trying to ignore and hope it goes away. So he might not be being a twat. He might just be out of his depth a bit.

He is being a dick, tell him so!

That was kind of my thinking lost - especially as she rang while the phone was in my hand! At 10:30 at night.

'He's being a dick'...he's 12 years old. He's not mature enough to handle a relationship yet hence why it is hard to judge him on his behaviour. If he were 16/17 I'd be more disappointed

Yes MrsC I get that. But do they work it or for themselves or does their mother have to tell them!

I think I'm just remembering being that 12 year old girl 😢

Does he know how to gently tell her 'no'?

It's a life skill that not many 12 year olds have.

Set him straight. He can't have a phone if he's too immature to use it.

I would absolutely tell him i'd seen it. I know its not the done thing on mumsnet, but i can and do check my kids phones regularly. they know this and accept it as a condition of having them.
so, i'd say i'd read it and talk about him respectful conversation.

Well it’s not so much the saying no, it’s the mocking her, telling her that he’d told his friends and saying “meh”.

Exactly. It's rotten behaviour.