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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have accidentally read DD's text messages.

171 replies

catweasel44 · 09/06/2018 23:20

DS1 is 12. He asked me to put his phone on charge earlier when he went to bed. There was then a phone call from a girl he knows (and 'went out with' very briefly in an 11 year old kind of way last year. I gave him his phone back.

However I've just been into his room to retrieve it and charge it up and saw the WhatsApp conversation.

I know I'm not supposed to read it but I did.

He's not being very nice to her. Nothing too awful but she has asked him out again and he is being a bit of a twat to her. In a slightly humiliating way/not bothered way. And told her that he'd told all his mates that she's asked but he was undecided.

I know I'm not supposed to have seen them so can't actually say anything but I would like to think better of him.

I would really like to tell his friend that she deserves better than that. And to tell him that he needs to be kind.

But I can't.

What do I do? Anything? Do I just have to get used to this sort of thing?

Am I raising a monster?

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 10/06/2018 09:10

Wow all these posters suggesting OP was wrong for reading the messages!

I’m stunned tbh. He’s 12, of course OP should be checking his phone! It’s a good thing she did so she can nip this shit in the bud!!!

DSD got a contract fancy iPhone when she was 13, on condition that we were able to monitor it. First time she was caught being mean to someone, it was removed for a week. The second time it was removed for a month with a stern warning. The third time it was cut off and removed permanently. I’ll be fucked if I’m paying a bill to facilitate horrible behaviour.

DS1 has a phone, he’s 11. There are rules and he knows we have full access. Because he’s a child, and the internet is a fucking scary place.

SMH at parents who don’t bother their arse to check their child’s devices for what they’re doing. It’s as neglectful as letting them play in the middle of a bloody motorway!

montenuit · 10/06/2018 09:34

Tell him you saw the message pop up and she rang late at night.
Tell him you read the conversation (no excuses or reasoning, perfectly reasonable parenting).
Tell him he needs to be kind and tell the girl "thanks but no thanks". Sounds like he's just struggling with how to handle her, and needs some guidance. He's only 12.

LokiBear · 10/06/2018 09:34

I think, at 12, part of the condition of a child having a mobile phone and access to social media is that they understand their parent will check it. You need to admit what you did without apology, have the conversation and tell him you will be checking from now on. Hes 12.

LokiBear · 10/06/2018 09:44

At my school, we had a group of boys in year 9 and 10 who were all exchanging naked pictures of girls for what called their 'wank bank'. Turned out the lads were all 'friends' with someone on social media who was promising them technology if they forwarded a certain number of pictures. This person was not a child and the issue is now with the police. It was uncovered because one of the year 9 boys parents was 'that parent' and checked his phone. She saw that he had requested pictures from a girl in his class and phoned the school. I found that these boys were all being groomed to coerse girls to send pictures which they were storing on the 'My eyes only' area of snapchat, after forwarding to the unknown 'friend' of course. There were over 70 pupils involved and at risk. We severed the contact between the predator and our kids. Hopefully, the police will catch him. Be that parent.

CheeseyToast · 10/06/2018 09:46

You should absolutely be checking his messages and his internet usage. What the hell is wrong with you posters who leave your children to run loose on technology?

Cauliflowersqueeze · 10/06/2018 09:51

WhatsApp have in their user agreement that you need to be 16.

This is really wounding for the girl. You have EVERY right to be reading his messages. I would tell him that his words have an impact on others and he is being unkind to her.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 10/06/2018 09:52

Loki that’s horrific. And I expect it’s common.

I’d like smart phones to be illegal for under 16s I really would.

BrieAndChilli · 10/06/2018 09:55

DS1 is nearly 12, the deal with him getting a phone is that we will check his phone whenever we want. He also does not have any social media including WhatsApp.
So i would be justified to read any of his messages and then discuss any issues with him. It’s my job to teach him social skills (and with ASD he is seriously lacking in) and online interactions come across a lot differently than face to face ones and that is a skill in itself that needs to be taught.

Mishappening · 10/06/2018 09:59

I would just ignore it - and not worry about it. Boys of that age can be embarrassed and when they are they go all "cool" and adopt an "I don't care approach.

I f he was 16 and reacting like this then I guess it might be more worrying.

He is just "testing the water" and so is she. You do not know how serious she is at her end - maybe she and her friends are having a giggle about it.

Stay out of this one I think!

BrieAndChilli · 10/06/2018 09:59

DS class have a year 6 group text, I scroll through it a couple of times a week, OMG is it boring, full of everyone saying ‘hi’ about a million times then some random emojis.

DS 2 friends fell out with each other so DS blocked one of them on his phone so that warranted a conversation on friendships and not getting involved in other people’s issues, being kind etc.

SoddingUnicorns · 10/06/2018 10:08

At my school, we had a group of boys in year 9 and 10 who were all exchanging naked pictures of girls for what called their 'wank bank'. Turned out the lads were all 'friends' with someone on social media who was promising them technology if they forwarded a certain number of pictures. This person was not a child and the issue is now with the police. It was uncovered because one of the year 9 boys parents was 'that parent' and checked his phone. She saw that he had requested pictures from a girl in his class and phoned the school. I found that these boys were all being groomed to coerse girls to send pictures which they were storing on the 'My eyes only' area of snapchat, after forwarding to the unknown 'friend' of course. There were over 70 pupils involved and at risk. We severed the contact between the predator and our kids. Hopefully, the police will catch him. Be that parent.

I feel like this needs to be in bold in case anyone missed it scrolling through. This is literally the perfect example of why we as parents need to monitor phone/internet usage.

Anything else is neglectful parenting.

LokiBear · 10/06/2018 10:16

This incident is horrific and one of the more scary, but not unusual. Im a HOY and in the last 6/7 years these issues have become more and more common. This issue was the fourth of its kind that I'd dealt with this academic year. It was the only one to involve someone outside of school but the kids all thought it was normal. My girls will not have unmonitored access to smart phones and i will avoid letting them have them as long as I possibly can.

MrsJayy · 10/06/2018 10:22

I would say something to him if he was my son he has been unkind to this girl why wouldn't you say something you have access to his phone for this very thing.

diddl · 10/06/2018 10:24

This is obviously why it's ok to be checking messages.

Neither child are coping.

He needs to know that it's ok to say no- & that being nasty about it & telling friends is completely unacceptable

StrangeLookingParasite · 10/06/2018 10:31

Does he know how to gently tell her 'no'?

It's a life skill that not many 12 year olds have.

Good time to learn, then?

Allthewaves · 10/06/2018 10:34

I would talk to him about it

BrownTurkey · 10/06/2018 10:34

Your agreement is that you have access, you don't want to read every message but you haven't, so that's ok,no? Be authoritative about any behaviour you don't think is ok, or raise a conversation about how he is handling the relationship and communication.

I often say 'dont send a message you wouldn't be happy to stand by in the headteacher s office or granny's living room' . Messages aren't private (she could show her parents, her siblings could see them - and retaliate on him if so minded - she could show a teacher, or share with friends, as in fact he has already done to her).

Ipdipme · 10/06/2018 10:45

@LokiBear that’s awful but exactly what people need to understand can and does happen.

We may trust our children. We should NOT trust the millions of people that the internet & a smart phone gives access to.

Just as we teach our children many things, we should also be teaching them how to stay safe online and, very importantly, how to be kind and conduct themselves with dignity online.

squishy · 10/06/2018 10:48

I agree with pps - fine to read, fine to comment when you see something that, if you saw IRL, you'd pick him up on.

Lethaldrizzle · 10/06/2018 11:28

Sodding unicorns that's a terrible story but I still can never get my head around why any girl of that age would want to send rude pics. I know its apparently v common practice these days but just why?

SoddingUnicorns · 10/06/2018 11:46

@Lethaldrizzle it’s interesting that your focus in that instance is on the girl and not the boys. Why is that?

FWIW I can’t understand either, either the actions of the girl or the boys.

LokiBear · 10/06/2018 12:20

@Lethaldrizzle just take a look at Kim Kardashians twitter or instagram. Nude pictures are normalised on social media. There is a culture developing in which nude photos are a form of flirting, and part of thecdating process. If yoy like him, you wi send. Boys are just as much at risk as girls btw. The pressure to have been sent a picture is huge. They, in return, tend to send pictures of their lower half. Just as scary but less identifiable. Scariest bit, 9 times out of 10, it is the quiet, sensible girls who are the most vulnerable and likely to send. The ones who you would never think in a million years would do it.

LokiBear · 10/06/2018 12:21

Sorry about the typos. My phone is a bit crap.

Lethaldrizzle · 10/06/2018 12:27

Sodding - i think the whole thing is awful from both sides but i can get my head around the fact thst boys will want to look at sexy pics, howwever right or wrong, but as a woman who was once a girl I cannot get my head around sending compromising pics of myself.

Lethaldrizzle · 10/06/2018 12:28

Loki - if that's where it comes from then I'm keeping my girls away from those daft Kardashian bints!

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