To have accidentally read DD's text messages.

[catweasel44]

DS1 is 12. He asked me to put his phone on charge earlier when he went to bed. There was then a phone call from a girl he knows (and 'went out with' very briefly in an 11 year old kind of way last year. I gave him his phone back.

However I've just been into his room to retrieve it and charge it up and saw the WhatsApp conversation.

I know I'm not supposed to read it but I did.

He's not being very nice to her. Nothing too awful but she has asked him out again and he is being a bit of a twat to her. In a slightly humiliating way/not bothered way. And told her that he'd told all his mates that she's asked but he was undecided.

I know I'm not supposed to have seen them so can't actually say anything but I would like to think better of him.

I would really like to tell his friend that she deserves better than that. And to tell him that he needs to be kind.

But I can't.

What do I do? Anything? Do I just have to get used to this sort of thing?

Am I raising a monster?

I would definitely have read it too. I'd have a word if it were my DS.

I'd absolutely read his messages at 12 and I'd have a word with him too. The 12yo telling his mates can easily become the 16yo telling his mates and so on. Of course that's an exaggeration and I'm sure he's a lovely lad who just doesn't yet know how to handle it, but the conversation about respect has to come in at some point.

And OP you should not have snooped - but you know that already right? So the knowledge is illicit so you can't use it.

A parent reading a 12 year olds messages isn't snooping. it is parenting (god checking those messages was so bloody boring - not a high point of being a parent). A parent who doesn't monitor (snoop???) their children's social media/text presence is not being a good parent.

it isn't the same as a kid saying something (although if I overheard my 12 year old being a bit mean to someone I would have a chat after too and not think that my "snooping" meant I had to leave him at it). These messages stay forever and can be forwarded etc. Your son needs to have a chat with you about lots of things, including appropriate friendships with girls for his age, being kind, understanding that private conversations are just that and sharing them with your mates isn't on etc.

Have the conversations with him. Don't wait until he is 16.

Thanks everyone.

I'll have a chat with him. He's a good boy and has always had such lovely friendships with girls, maybe this is attempt to try something new!

I wouldn't call it bullying, but it's not what I would hope for from him.

Also with regard to WhatsApp- after much discussion I let him have it when he was 12, before the age increase.

He was missing out on lots of discussion at school, including homework etc so we agreed it was acceptable.

Also I like him being on WhatsApp because I can see when he last used his phone!

He's not allowed his phone after 8pm usually.

He's 12

You monitor his apps and should be monitoring his messages

He's being unkind

That needs nipping in the bud pronto or he could turn into one of the Male cunts we all so despise on MN

Teach him where he's going wrong and check his messages regularly for a while

I check my 12 year old's phone all of the time, of course, I monitor it all the time. Op, you sound embarrassed and you shouldn't be, it is in his best interests that you do.

I would definitely sit down and have a conversation about respect. His lack of respect will deepen for girls over time if there are no consequences to his actions and hurtful words.

Tell him you were checking his phone, as per the deal and you are very disappointed in him, and from now you expect to treat girls with kindness. This is a good chance for you to talk about relationships with him and how it might feel to be this girl etc. Tell him you expect better behaviour going forward.

My dd is 9. I will definitely be monitoring her messages at 12. Sometimes we get ourselves into all sorts of spots when we are young and don’t know what to do or say. I know I did. In a way, getting a glimpse into our children’s lives like this gives both them and us an advantage because we can guide them more easily through the minefield of relationships. Good luck on your chat.

I would definitely tell him. I'd say I saw the conversation and was less than impressed by the way he was speaking to the girl who messaged him. I'd ask him whether there is any problem knowing how to tell her he isn't interested without upsetting her, and I would remind him that telling his friends was unkind. Then I would tell him there will be spot checks on his messaging in the future, and if I saw anything similar I would remove the phone.

I check my 13 year old phone every now and then- especially if certain kids gravitate back into his orbit and I know from past experience can cause 'issues'.
Lesson I learnt [hard way] is once phone on charge go NOT give back late at night if it rings. This is when silliness always begins...

DD (11) knows that while I pay for the phone she uses it remains mine, and I will check all that goes on with it.

Checking children’s online activity is vital to be able to teach them how to use it properly, safely and also kindly. Abandoning them to learn about this alone under the guise of giving them ‘privacy’ is negligent and lazy parenting.

You need to talk to your son and teach how to be a good kind man. His behaviour towards this girl shows that he still needs to learn and you need to teach him.

I don’t think you can do anything tbh, but you can talk to him about treating people nicely, etc.
At age 12 you are perfectly entitled to check the phone and if you have that ‘deal’ even more so.

I’m sure it is, as others have said, immaturity. But you want him to mature to be better than this- so talk to him about it. Don’t have a go or punish. Try to get him to imagine himself in the girl’s position and how he would feel. If he’s up for it, do a bit of role play. Talk about how relationships ought to be- and how both people should feel good about themselves.

There is a lot of seriously crap male behaviour out there for boys to see and copy. We have to help our sons be the good guys.

Also maybe getting him to imagine the situation was reversed, he liked someone and sent that message, then got his reply back from the girl - how would he feel? - can be a useful approach to making him think about what he sent.

Treating others how you would like to be treated yourself - including message content - can be a good rule of thumb to use in this situation and many others.

Intervene.

Words hurt.

Women on here saying she's only 12?! The culture our teenagers are growing up in at the moment is intense. If my son was contributing to something hurtful I wouldn't think twice, he needs to know how to treat women with respect, even at this age.

If you know the girls mother I would also speak with and apologise to her. You never know how the girl will be feeling. His words could trigger any kind of mental health problem, or result in her doing things she regret to try and win your son over! You just never know these days!

We do check messages, and the boys (13 and 11) know this and accept it's the pay off for being allowed on Musically/Insta/whatsapp.

DS's XP read their 12 year old DD's messages and discovered some hard porn videos and photos from a boy in her class. Though their DD was trying to deal with it herself by telling him to stop, she had not blocked him.
DS was insane with rage, he and XP went to the school , showed head of year the items (His hair stood on end , mum!) . Parents of boy were immediately called in, being religious people they were particularly shocked, dire warnings given to boy including DS's threat of police involvement and since then all appears to be OK.
I think her mum did absolutely the right thing to check her phone. Girls may not have the confidence to block calls from boys they see every day, and parental backup, call it interference if you like, can be the only way to help them deal with a very unpleasant situation.

All those saying leave it, have you not been that 12 year old girl liking someone and the burning shame you feel when they don't feel the same way never mind when they are actively horrible to you?

I have always taught my boys (Ds1 is now 15) that you always, always let someone down gently. Never humiliate someone for just liking you.

Because it does stay with you. I remember liking a boy when I was 14, and one day he sauntered over to me and my face must have lit up and he asked me out, whooo hooo, for his friend I can still remember that awful feeling.

Op, I think you should speak to your boy.
The girl is also not behaving properly, pursuing him/an answer when he clearly isn't interested. He hasn't stood her up or kiss and told.
These problems also happen in groups of girls (not so sure about boys) so not just about 'dating'. Her parents should be aware.
Somehow this seems worse written down, it's always happened as gossip between friends, not nice but look at relationship threads, we're all doing it

My children know that I will monitor their phones, there have been a few incidences of bad language, bullying behaviour (not from them, but on whatsapp), they are 11 and 13.

Don’t feel bad for checking. He is only 12. And at this age they are awkward at judging other people’s emotions. Looks like it’s time for you to sit with him and gently walk him through relationships with girls and how to handle unwanted female attention 🙂

Firstly don't be guilty or apologetic about reading his messages. At 12 he should expect you to, to keep him safe.

Secondly, you're putting an adult spin on a 12 year old's dating. He's not being a "dick" he's being immature because he's 12 and lacks the social maturity to treat her properly.

Great opportunity to open a dialogue about how to talk to girl friends and treat people well. Don't go in all guns blazing just teach him, he's young and he'll learn.

This is why my ds knows I can/do check his phone. He's 12 ffs, you are still supposed to be parenting/guiding him and helping him to do the correct thing. And in this day and age this includes online and in texts, that's why you need access to his phone. Otherwise you have no ability to parent about 50 percent of his life. At 12 he's too young to navigate all that sensibly.

He's 12, emotionally immature, the girl sounds like she was chasing him and being a bit needy (also emotionally immature) he's probably embarrassed and a little bit horrified at being pursued like this.

At 12 he doesn't have the skills to firmly (but kindly) tell her no...so he reverted to being a dick.

It would be good to talk to him, you'll probably find he's feeling guilty and confused about his reaction.

If he were a girl being chased relentlessly by a boy she'd be encouraged, on here, to stand up for herself and just say get lost.

If your daughter had had several messages from a boy and missed calls without her replying....would you think she's bullying by not replying. Would you demand she talks to him. Or would you suggest that the boy should back off instead?