To have accidentally read DD's text messages.

[catweasel44]

DS1 is 12. He asked me to put his phone on charge earlier when he went to bed. There was then a phone call from a girl he knows (and 'went out with' very briefly in an 11 year old kind of way last year. I gave him his phone back.

However I've just been into his room to retrieve it and charge it up and saw the WhatsApp conversation.

I know I'm not supposed to read it but I did.

He's not being very nice to her. Nothing too awful but she has asked him out again and he is being a bit of a twat to her. In a slightly humiliating way/not bothered way. And told her that he'd told all his mates that she's asked but he was undecided.

I know I'm not supposed to have seen them so can't actually say anything but I would like to think better of him.

I would really like to tell his friend that she deserves better than that. And to tell him that he needs to be kind.

But I can't.

What do I do? Anything? Do I just have to get used to this sort of thing?

Am I raising a monster?

I think you, OP, are handling this all very well. I too check my, just turned 13 yr old, DS’s phone, it’s part of the deal of him having a smartphone. I did the same with his sister up until she was about 15, and many times I had to help her deal with being on the receiving end, and occasionally the instigator, of bad behaviour on social media, both from boys & girls of a similar age. Rather that, than a young person being overwhelmed by a situation getting out of their control and the mental health issues that may follow....

I also agree that it's sensible parenting to check up on kid's phones. My girls know that is a condition of them having them.
I would also not tell him off but have a chat about respect and kindness.

You’re handling this well OP.

FWIW I checked my 16yr old’s phone at least once a week at that age. Even now I’m ‘friends’ on FB and a follower on Instagram. She does, thankfully, talk to me but knows that I can ask to see the phone at any time - I (& DH) are her parents, ahe lives with us and we pay the phone bill.

I would encourage your DS to let you lnow if the girl keeps messaging though - he has just as much right not to be bombarded as she does.

Keep up the good work.

Oh, - and thanks to the pp who was candid enough to talk about nudes and dating norms. I think I’ll be having a talk about what the norms are in her peer group and what needs to be avoided!

it’s the mocking her, telling her that he’d told his friends and saying “meh”.

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.. this is how we treated the boys when we were 17 let alone 12

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill..

I don’t think it is at all. I think OP is quite right in the way she is approaching things. If it were my DD on the receiving end of that I would not be happy if the other parent thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill. If it were my son doing it, I’d do what OP is doing.

And if your DD was replying "yeah whatever mate, meh" to a lad chasing her up for a relationship I'm sure you'd have a chat with her for being rude too

@busybarbara just because you were disrespectful to “the boys” when you were 17 doesn’t make it right! I think it’s fabulous the OP is guiding her son and trying to ensure he is thoughtful in his dealings with people especially in matters of the heart. I cringe at the way I treated some men when I was younger and it’s important to be respectful and honest with whoever you’re dealing with.

He's allowed to be a bit of a dick at 12 without being micro managed by his mum!!! Bullying, threats and anything sexual yes you should interfere. Calm down for gods sake.

My son knows consent, kindness and empathy. I think reading private material is controlling and abusive. It's not good work, it's terrifying micro managing. If it was bullying, threats or sexual it would be a different matter. My son is not perfect but he is kind and well ajusted. I taught him to be kind without trying to control him.

How will he learn not to be “a bit of a dick” without an older person guiding him. Y’know, doing that thing called parenting 🙄.

@winnie, how do you know your son is always kind, empathetic etc....? He may be an arse hole to girls on social media.

I know as far as I know him, I think he probably is a dick sometimes on social media, I don't think he bullies, threatens or is inappropriately sexual. I think he is allowed to mess up, realise it and solve it in the same way I did as a child/young adult. He is a very nice person and nick named the gentle giant at college. Stop micro managing your kids. Teach them about kindness, show them kindness and don't directly intefere in their relationships unless its bullying, violence or sexual. Oh and illegal. High time you all grew up.

Your son is at college. This child is 12. There’s a big difference here. I would hope you weren’t reading your son’s texts at college age. 12 is a child. Children need guidance , especially when they’re entering their teens and learning how to navigate more complex social interaction.

Also, the OP felt uncomfortable about what her son was saying to this girl. The girl might have felt bullied.

I think reading private material is controlling and abusive.

that's funny. If you don't check your 12 year old's texts and social media I think you are a fairly lousy and lazy parent.

No one expects you to check your college-age son's social media.

Bullying, threats and anything sexual yes you should interfere. Calm down for gods sake

And how, pray tell, is OP to do that without checking his messages?

that's funny. If you don't check your 12 year old's texts and social media I think you are a fairly lousy and lazy parent

This.

I think reading private material is controlling and abusive.

Really, in a 12 year old? In an adult yes, or anyone that you don't have legal responsibility for.

i occasionally use Find My Phone to check where he is too.

I do not do either of these things with my husband because he is a grown up and that would be abusive.

Also it's not private material. It's online messaging and the notion that children can say what the like in the name of privacy is naive to say the least.

Presumably you think withholding pocket money (financial abuse) and grounding (coercive control) is not acceptable either.

Personally I think you belittle those things by equating them with parenting a 12 year old.

Congratulations on raising an empathetic, socially responsible child without the need for supervision.

I agree catweasel

Ive said it before but checking children’s online activity is vital to be able to teach them how to use it properly, safely and also kindly. Abandoning them to learn about this alone under the guise of giving them ‘privacy’ is negligent and lazy parenting.

A 12 year old needs guidance and you are doing a great job.

The world is a very different place than when we were growing up.
We could say things in the heat of the moment and it would be forgotten, a silly note would be thrown away. You could stay away from people that were being nasty to you.

Now people can send you nasty messages even when you are in your own home, people write things in texts and messages that with the nuance of body language, tone and context can come across completely differently to how they were intended.
Everything you write and post is there for ever, it can be reread over and over and it can be sent to people you don’t even know /go viral.

It’s a dangerous world online and children (because 12 year olds ARE children, even if they have the trappings of adulthood eg smartphones and tablets and laptops) need to be guided.

If my son spoke to a girl in real life in that manner and I overhead I would definitely pull him up in it and discuss respect etc. Just because the exchange is online doesn’t make it untouchable.

I see no issues with checking a twelve year old's messages 16? Maybe not. But 12 is still a child.

Nice one OP
I am completely with you
I check phones
And I call out that kind of behaviour

I’d actually be really upset if my son sent messages like that as I have spent ages talking about feelings and respect and the dangers of cutting people down on line etc.
Yes they will probably still do it but Id still be gutted.

They know I may randomly check phones and they have all told me it actually makes them feel safer.

We have ALL behaved badly as kids in terms of being mean or whatever and probably been told off about it by parents or teachers, learnt from it, reflected and grown up and are hopefully better adults for it.

I think you've handled this really well, OP. Can't see how you could have done better, really.