To have accidentally read DD's text messages.

[catweasel44]

DS1 is 12. He asked me to put his phone on charge earlier when he went to bed. There was then a phone call from a girl he knows (and 'went out with' very briefly in an 11 year old kind of way last year. I gave him his phone back.

However I've just been into his room to retrieve it and charge it up and saw the WhatsApp conversation.

I know I'm not supposed to read it but I did.

He's not being very nice to her. Nothing too awful but she has asked him out again and he is being a bit of a twat to her. In a slightly humiliating way/not bothered way. And told her that he'd told all his mates that she's asked but he was undecided.

I know I'm not supposed to have seen them so can't actually say anything but I would like to think better of him.

I would really like to tell his friend that she deserves better than that. And to tell him that he needs to be kind.

But I can't.

What do I do? Anything? Do I just have to get used to this sort of thing?

Am I raising a monster?

but wouldn’t it be wonderful if someone had intervened earlier with a lot of the 20 odd yr olds today

The 20 year old men or the women?

Because I am confused about this thread.

A very young boy is being sent 'loads' of messages by a girl who wants him to tell her he will go out with her.

I am struggling to see why he is the one who needs taking aside tbh.

it sounds like she is almost harassing him and he needs to let her down gently

this is what we have been saying to girls for years and look how that has worked out.
He doesn't need to let her down gently.
He needs to tell her he doesn't want to go out with her and that she needs to stop messaging him.

And then he needs to be reassured that doing that doesn't make him a bastard.

Men/boys - honestly the stuff I’ve overheard in the office is shocking so God knows what it’s like in a more private.

Because he’s been mean and dangling her by a thread. Say no ta and move on.

Girls need to learn play it cool but she wouldn’t be behaving like that if he’d just said no!

oh ffs carlita he is 12.
How is he supposed to know how to deal with it?
'girls need to learn to play it cool'?

Are you posting from 1963?

She needs to learn that someone doesn't have to like her back, and that she doesn't have the right to hassle them into it. And that she's worth more than dedicating her energies to someone who doesn't like her back, too. Everyone is.

He needs to learn that toying with someone isn't on, and to set clear boundaries if he's not interested so there's no confusion for anyone.

They're 12. They're kids. They're learning how to navigate the world, and I think some guidance wouldn't go amiss, personally.

"He is 12. How is he supposed to know how to handle that amount of attention from a girl?"

He isn't. That's why the OP needs to talk to him about it.

And if she is harassing him, then he needs to learn how to say "no" very firmly and clearly. With a bit of luck her mother is reading her messages and wi have the same sort of conversation with her, but the OP can only talk to her son and help him learn how to negotiate this stuff.

Absolutely agree with perfectstorm

"Starting to realise more and more on here, it's one rule for girls, another for boys."

Bollocks.

I have said that already, twice I think, Bertrand

The other poster is depicting an manipulative, adult man rather than a probably confused child, barely out of primary school.

Which is a bit weird and unsettling.

She is sending him 'lots' of messages?
That sounds a bit harassing tbh.

It's not harassment unless he's asked her to stop. She's done nothing wrong. Even if he had told her he wasn't interested, it's still not harrassment for her to send more messages, until after he's explicitly asked her to stop sending messages.

He needs to do two things:-

1. Tell her he is/isn't interested, out of kindness to her.
2. If not interested, and if she still messages afterwards, and if the messages bother him, ask her to stop.

The ages and sexes of those involved make no difference, I think.

All the people saying leave it, he's only 12...
That's why we get dickhead arseholes men- their parents didn't nip crap like this in the bud from the start.

It's not harassment unless he's asked her to stop. She's done nothing wrong. Even if he had told her he wasn't interested, it's still not harrassment for her to send more messages, until after he's explicitly asked her to stop sending messages

Rubbish.
We would never say that about a girl/woman receiving lots of messages.

He is receiving messages, not sending them. Yet he is the one destined to be a 'dickhead man'

Thanks everybody.

It's all escalated a bit to be honest.

I came home from work and found DS chasing his friend round the garden trying to get his phone back.

The 'friend' had been messaging her pretending to be DS saying he loved her etc.

I have given them both a bollocking. The friend for sending them and DS for letting him use his phone.

I told the friend to leave.

I have made DS apologise to the girl for letting his friend have his phone, and tell her that he does like her but he doesn't really want a girlfriend at the moment so can they just stay friends.

DS and I have had a very robust discussion.

I go through my 12yo sons phone every couple of days, read all convos and check internet history etc.

Can never be too careful these days.

Don’t mention anything unless I’m concerned. He’s aware that I look through his phone.

And there you have it, exactly why your son needs you to monitor his phone usage. He's too immature to manage it on his own. Hope this wakes you up a bit.

Ever since DS1 decided to circumvent the parental controls on his phone in order to view porn both my DS's know that spot checks of their tech are to be expected.
DS2 is 12. If I didn't check his phone I couldn't be sure he's safe online so I think it's reasonable for you to be checking at that age. At 12 I wouldn't expect him to have the social skills to let a girl down gently, although I hope I'm raising him to be kind and respectful. I'd be talking to him about what he could have done differently. Hopefully that would stand him in good stead for when he's old enough for a relationship.

well done OP.

How does DS having his mate nick his phone mean he's immature?

I really don't think he was suggesting inappropriate photos!

He's quite young for his age in that way.

I don't think it makes him immature but he has been told several times that he is responsible for it. It has a passcode and if he gives that to his friends then he is responsible for wha happens on it.

Well done op

But I can't.

Yes you can. DS is 14. I pay for his phone and while I do, I can check it whenever I like and he knows and accepts this. I also check his instagram.

Because I do, I found a message from someone threatening to 'kill him', someone saying that they would tell everyone at school that he 'touched them'. If you don't check your kids' messages, you have NO idea what's going on. What you see on there would make your hair curl, it's a HUGE problem.

Oh and there was a message from DS to a girl and he was being an arse to her so I dealt with that too.

“He is receiving messages, not sending them. Yet he is the one destined to be a 'dickhead man“

He has also sent messages that he should not have sent.