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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have accidentally read DD's text messages.

171 replies

catweasel44 · 09/06/2018 23:20

DS1 is 12. He asked me to put his phone on charge earlier when he went to bed. There was then a phone call from a girl he knows (and 'went out with' very briefly in an 11 year old kind of way last year. I gave him his phone back.

However I've just been into his room to retrieve it and charge it up and saw the WhatsApp conversation.

I know I'm not supposed to read it but I did.

He's not being very nice to her. Nothing too awful but she has asked him out again and he is being a bit of a twat to her. In a slightly humiliating way/not bothered way. And told her that he'd told all his mates that she's asked but he was undecided.

I know I'm not supposed to have seen them so can't actually say anything but I would like to think better of him.

I would really like to tell his friend that she deserves better than that. And to tell him that he needs to be kind.

But I can't.

What do I do? Anything? Do I just have to get used to this sort of thing?

Am I raising a monster?

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/06/2018 23:53

And that's the conversation you need to have with him.

MonochromeDog · 09/06/2018 23:56

He's 12! Of course you should read his messages! Both my dds know one of the rules of them having a phone is that I can look and read anything on there at any time. I check dd2's (11) every couple of days including reading all messages and whatsapps, I check dd1's (15) less frequently but that's because she's older and Autistic so tends to use her phone less socially than dd2.

You need to talk to him!

YouTheCat · 09/06/2018 23:56

I am usually quite happy to call a kid out on behaviour but I think this smacks of immaturity and not knowing what to do.

If your ds is generally a decent lad, he might be feeling a bit embarrassed by the whole thing.

AmazingPostVoices · 09/06/2018 23:59

I’d tell him I read them.

I’d sit him down as discuss how his behaviour would have made her feel. Ask open questions and see if you can get him to put himself in her shoes.

I’d tell him I was disappointed.

PurpleRobe · 10/06/2018 00:01

Definitely have a chat to him. Along the lines of "it's fine not to like a girl back, but it's best / nice to let her down gently" etc

Ubercornsdiscoball · 10/06/2018 00:07

Is there not an age limit on WhatsApp?

LovingLola · 10/06/2018 00:11

Is there not an age limit on WhatsApp?

Yes. It was always 13 and since May has increased to 16.
But who cares really.....

Blizzardagain · 10/06/2018 00:12

I'd argue that at 12, you should be reading his messages. For his safety and others. My DC will only be handed a phone under the conditions that it will be checked up on, without notice, if I feel a need to. Of course as DC gets older it would need to be adjusted but at 12 I absolutely would. Just talk to him.

Thesearepearls · 10/06/2018 00:12

From my own experience and also from reading this thread I'm increasingly being persuaded that having a smartphone should have the equivalent of a driving licence before being allowed to have one.

In all cases I think that 16 should be the minimum age.

No criticism of you OP - both my kids had smartphones at school - but increasingly I think this should be regulated. It's had a horrible impact on mental health. Kids don't need smartphones

And OP you should not have snooped - but you know that already right? So the knowledge is illicit so you can't use it. Just talk about kindliness generally and maybe he'll get the point

KickAssAngel · 10/06/2018 00:20

I'm another one who thinks that reading the messages of a 12 year old isn't snooping but parenting.

At that age I regularly checked DD's phone & email. She knew it & actually it helped her a few times when people were sending messages she didn't like & wanted to get out of, so she just told them that I checked her phone so she couldn't be part of this. It worked.

I would 100% talk to him. If he gets defensive, then it would seem appropriate that he gets checked up on less often as he gets more sensible.

that's what happened with DD - as she got older, there was less stupid stuff being sent (by her & friends) and I checked less often - it kind of naturally faded out.

Letitgo2018 · 10/06/2018 00:27

I think he's only twelve. The language you are using abiut him is derogatory terms abiut men. It comes across really distasteful.
Speak with him abiut respect and consider reducing social media access.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 10/06/2018 00:32

Personally I’d leave it. I have access to my teenage sons phone but only to check about safety issues or red alert type stuff. There is swearing and silly comments but I’d never call that out. It’s his business.

For me a private conversation, even if he handed it badly, is not a safety concern. I think there has to be some trust when we are looking at their conversations that we are not over doing it, or crossing a line ourselves. Instead I’d just be generally keeping that communication open and making it possible for our kids to talk through relationships and how we deal with them.

Southernstars · 10/06/2018 00:34

You have to tell him and you should be checking his phone every day if that is the way he behaves to others. I realise he is only twelve but how else will he know how to treat girls if you let him behave in this way. His mates aren’t going to teach him.

Vintagebeads · 10/06/2018 00:39

Talk to him and tell him you didn't like how he spoke to her.
I do it with my 13 year old he has to get guidance from somewhere.
I also pay the bill and I will check all messages if ds doesn't like it he can choose not to have a phone.
With all you hear about cyber bullying you should be checking his phone.

Italiangreyhound · 10/06/2018 00:48

I think if you pay the bills, and are pressed into service charging his phone for him, you can say with a brave face that you do check his phone from time to time. And your checking has turned up behaviour which you can see shows him in a less than favourable light.

At the very least girls talk, and if he wants his chances of dating in future to be reduced, he should just carry on being a bit silly, but if he behaves in a nicer way, (irregardless of whether they go out again) it will work out better for him.

This girl knows her own mind and he should be flattered and not squander her feelings in this way (in age appropriate language maybe - "Dude that's not cool - girls talk you know!")

Smile
Flowerfae · 10/06/2018 00:50

I'd have a talk to him if I were you. The agreement in our family regarding phones, social media accounts is that, parents have access to them, and I do check them every so often which they are fully aware of. Its for safety more than anything.

LuMarie · 10/06/2018 01:07

Oh definitely talk to him, you are paying for the phone I expect, you have every right to set rules about checking how he is using it. Including taking it away if he isn't using it in an acceptable way.

12 is completely reasonable to check phones and social media, to be sure they are not struggling with unpleasant things or behaving in an unpleasant way.

WhatsApp messages show on the main screen of a phone even if it's locked (for an iPhone anyway), so it's possible to see them completely by accident, as you did. You didn't do anything wrong.

Definitely talk to him, it's a good opportunity to talk about respect for girls and women in future, important lesson. Use it as a positive teaching opportunity as our american friends say:)

UghAgh · 10/06/2018 01:21

Maybe she has been really pestering him so he has had to try and dissuade her. You won’t know unless you talk to him.

Monty27 · 10/06/2018 01:55

Confiscate the phone because he is bullying her. Simple.

londoneast · 10/06/2018 02:01

Nothing wrong with reading a 12 year old text.
I wouldnt punish him or have a word either.
Hes 12 its probably immaturity

Audree · 10/06/2018 02:10

First, you have every right to read your 12 yo messages, and I would tell him so.
Secondly, you are supposed to be on your ds’s side. Even if he’s being rude - especially when he’s being rude, he needs an adult to guide him and teach him to say no in a kind and gentle way.
What if you had a dd ignoring a boy’s phone calls? Would you say the boy deserves better than your dd?

MrsJonSno · 10/06/2018 02:17

He’s 12, don’t feel bad about reading his texts; you’re being a responsible parent monitoring certain situations and intervening if you feel he needs guidance or advice.

SneakyGremlins · 10/06/2018 02:22

He's not "bullying" her Confusedhe's being a bit immature yes but I don't think not responding, which seems to be because he's not sure how to turn her down, counts as bullying Confused

Monty27 · 10/06/2018 03:04

He needs talking through the situation and how to deal with it. Not ignoring it.
Maybe he's feeling bullied be fair, whichever it is needs to be nipped in the bud.

Amatullah · 10/06/2018 03:11

Tbh i dont think you should feel guilty that you read it, anyone messaging my child at 10.30 at night i would want to know what they were talking about. Have a frank and honest conversation with him avout being a gentleman. Its never too early to teach them this!

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