To have accidentally read DD's text messages.

[catweasel44]

DS1 is 12. He asked me to put his phone on charge earlier when he went to bed. There was then a phone call from a girl he knows (and 'went out with' very briefly in an 11 year old kind of way last year. I gave him his phone back.

However I've just been into his room to retrieve it and charge it up and saw the WhatsApp conversation.

I know I'm not supposed to read it but I did.

He's not being very nice to her. Nothing too awful but she has asked him out again and he is being a bit of a twat to her. In a slightly humiliating way/not bothered way. And told her that he'd told all his mates that she's asked but he was undecided.

I know I'm not supposed to have seen them so can't actually say anything but I would like to think better of him.

I would really like to tell his friend that she deserves better than that. And to tell him that he needs to be kind.

But I can't.

What do I do? Anything? Do I just have to get used to this sort of thing?

Am I raising a monster?

@lethaldrizzle I agree. Its not just the kardashians in fairness, many, many celebs post nudes or nearly nudes. Its tragic.

You don't have to direct the conversation straight to her. You could talk to him generally about treating people with respect, throw in a few examples and ask him how he'd deal with this or how he'd feel if that....

Or you can be honest and straight.

I don’t think monitoring their social media usage when they are 12 is inappropriate, is it? I think a bit of guidance is needed here.

Manners maketh the man.

Whatever the medium, it is your job to ensure this message gets drummed into your ds over the next few years so you raise a son who is a benefit to society.

As an aside please remember all mothers think their sons are "good boys" because they generally are to their mothers. The test is how they treat others, particularly those they have a little power over. That innocent school age girlfriend being disrespected now could translate into something much more serious as an adult if you don't nip it in the bud now.

Lethal I was a teenager in the 2000s, when I was 14-16 was when a lot of teens started getting camera phones, and it was also common to chat over webcam on MSN. When I was 16, there was a lot of pressure from older boys to send nudes, and it felt like everyone doing it. Maybe at the time we were quite naive, and the risks of it getting passed around/put online were maybe a bit smaller.

The first few times I sent pictures in my underwear it seemed a bit scary, but along with sexting it quickly became normal and a part of flirting/dating. Fast-forward several years and when snapchat first came out, it was incredibly obvious to me (and all my friends) that it was meant for sharing nudes that couldn't be saved as easily. By this time we were more aware of the risks of naked pictures being passed around or put online, so an app where the picture didn't stay for long seemed ideal and so people became bolder with what they would send.

Of course, we soon realised that it was possible to screenshot pictures and save them that way- but the boundaries had already been pushed and it was almost an expectation in casual dating that you would send full nudes fairly early on- if you were online dating then some men would even ask for these before the first meetup.

Basically, what I'm saying is that it's become a very normal part of our culture- I would guess that the majority of people in their 20s have sent nudes/sexy pictures even if it's just to a long term partner. This means it gets mentioned more and more in the media, and gets normalised for teens- so they do it. Some may feel totally comfortable doing it, some may feel pressured into it by a partner, but I don't think it would feel weird or abnormal to them at all.

I agree that parents absolutely need to police smartphones very carefully, and personally I wouldn't be comfortable with an under 16 having snapchat as it's impossible to know what they've sent or received. I know snapchat has changed a lot in it's marketing, but to me it has always been a sexting app and it amazes me how many young teens are allowed it!

Anyway none of this is really relevant to OP, so I'll stop!

LadyLance I found your post very helpful as an older mum who has zero experience of being a teen using social media. It wouldn't really occur to me that sending sexy nude pictures was so normalised amongst youngsters. My DS is 9, has iPads etc. but not a phone. It's made me realise that I'm going to have to do a lot more reading around to understand how to manage these things sensibly so thank you for that.

He's out for the day tiday but I'll have a chat with him later I think.

I tried to talk to him about it but he wasn't very forthcoming.

I have reiterated the importance of kindness. I'll keep an eye on him for a bit.

I wouldn't say anything about the message, but maybe find some way to talk to him about treating girls nicely and with respect? Perhaps saying you were reading something about boys and attitudes to girls these days and that you don't want him building up negative behaviours that a lot of boys seem to be displaying?

Eh at 12 years old, you SHOULD be reading his messages. I’d have a word with him!
My son is 13, i spot check his phone, and go through everything on it, if I find that he’s being mean or saying things I don’t like to his friends, I take it off him. He needs to learn how to be respectful and how to not behave like a dick on social media! Online bullying is a major issue and they need to learn from us, we need to teach them how to behave towards everyone; friends and also people they don’t know.

Have a word, explain why it’s unacceptable and how he should be behaving. He will appreciate it in the long run :) x

I actually don't think this is bullying. She is sending lots of messages and he is ignoring them. He just needs to tell her!

Kindly, but tell her one way or another.

I have told him this.

Sorry was not suggesting it was, just that starting from issues like this, is the best way to stop anything like that happening in the future.

Yeh he needs to find a nice way of telling her, but they are still young, it’s an awkward age tbh!

Goldmandra

By the ops grovelling tone it’s likey it’s not checked their is a group of parents who very much feel teenagers should have absolute privacy under all circumstances and that they should ask for permission about devices their children would not have if they didn’t pay for

God is so frightening that parents allow free access with out a backward glance

At 11 I'd expect to be reading my children's messages. No way in hell would they be allowed to have total privacy when it comes to mobile phones and the internet, not at that age. I say that as a chilled out, not particularly controlling parent, but social media needs monitoring.

@corcaithecat I don't want to drag the thread off subject, but the number of youngish teens who have snapchat etc does bother me, and I do know my parents had no idea what I was doing online etc- with smartphones it's even harder to police.

For the record, I absolutely think you should be checking a 12yo's messages and would not allow any apps that don't save the messages posted. I'd be checking texts etc until I was happy for them to be sexting and sending sexy pictures.

FWIW OP I agree this isn't bullying- he just doesn't know how to decline her nicely. Arguably if he says no, then she continues to send lots of messages, she is the one harassing him. But he does need to say he's not interested.

No ones ever gonna be happy for their kids to send nudes lol

Metoodear oh do jog on.

I'm not sure how my tone is grovelling and yes I regularly check his phone. I've already said I've had issues with his friends in the past and keep a close eye.

Checking his messages with girls feels differently though, even if necessary. The age of smartphones has made things very different but I would have been mortified if my parents had witnessed my clumsy attempts at romance at 12.

I'm sensitive to that and don't want to completely humiliate either of them by barging in with both feet. I'm sure my Mum read my diary but had the decency not to tell me.

I'm not sure how that makes me a bad parent

He’s 12 and young enough for you to be monitoring his messages. I’d make clear to him that you do randomly monitor his social media interactions, tell him you read it and tell him you found it upsetting. Ask for his perspective on it. 12 really is too young to be “dating”

I don't think you get to tell someone how to behave when you have read their private messages. Someone should tell you how to behave.

The age of smartphones has made things very different but I would have been mortified if my parents had witnessed my clumsy attempts at romance at 12
I agree OP, it's a difficult area - in the 1980's the equivalent would have been listening round the corner while your DC was on the phone, or hanging about nearby to hear what they were saying when with friends in the park, and both of those would have seemed mad back then! I'm not suggesting you stop all checking of course, but I think you're right that it needs to be done with a bit of sensitivity.
The problem is that there are so many more people out there to interact with, and it's so easy to say/send anything on the spirit of the moment, when you aren't looking the other person in the face...
There has to be a balance, imo, and you have to grow your DCs ability to make sensible decisions online. At 18 they will likely leave home (for uni, or a job), and need to be ready to manage their own online life.

Ok maybe he should have said meh. She equally shouldn't pester him if he said no.

If this was my son I'd first be checking with him that's she's not being a right pain in the arse and he feels awkward. Poor boy!

Hang on.
She is sending him 'lots' of messages?
That sounds a bit harassing tbh.
If a boy was sending my DD a lot of messages asking if she wanted to go out with him I wouldn't be very happy.
I feel the same about a girl doing it to my sons.

He is 12. How is he supposed to know how to handle that amount of attention from a girl?

I would absolutely say something he might be ‘only 12’ but wouldn’t it be wonderful if someone had intervened earlier with a lot of the 20 odd yr olds today. I work with quite a few of them and their attitude towards women their girlfriends infuriates me. He’s knows you monitor his phone so shouldn’t come as a surprise that you saw it.

I also remember being that 12 yr old girl 😩!! If only you could have a word with her and tell her to play it cool a bit!

Starting to realise more and more on here, it's one rule for girls, another for boys.

It sounds like she is almost harassing him and he needs to let her down gently.