Only 1 not invited to wedding

[happylion]

So it's a small team, only 5 of us, one of the girls got married this weekend, we're told it was only family only no problems I understand weddings and budget etc, however tonight I've found okout that I was the only one not to have been invited, I feel such a dick, I even organised a card and brought a gift, we went for drinks the other day and toasted her up coming wedding, but they all knew I wasn't invited and they were!
Bride is now away for a few weeks on honeymoon, and I'll be seeing the other girls in the office on Tuesday, I found out as I saw a picture of them all on Instagram and I liked it, so they will know I've seen it, I'm hurt, embarrassed and actually annoyed, i thought we were all friends, it's the lies ! Why lie? 😔 wwyd?

I'd be relieved. I hate weddings. So does DH. We try very hard not to get invited and if we are we don't go unless we have to.

Oh that's horrible.

I think what you do depends on what you want. If you want to know why, then you have to ask the girls outright whether they know and why they lied.

If you don't want anything to come of it, just keep quiet. It will be the elephant in the room and then be forgotten.

They must have known you would find out, surely? Were they going to try and not talk about the day for ever and ever?

Can you think of any reason why you may have been left out? Think about this so if there is a definite reason you will not be floored at work if it is mentioned.

That's really shit. They're not your real friends, and now you know for certain. Christ knows how these dynamics work, for all you know, one of your teammates is a toxic bitch, or they need to feed their egos by excluding you.

Happened to me in a big department of mostly women, tech company. We were in mid 20's everyone going through engagements, weddings etc. I went to all the parties, bought all the presents etc. but when it was my hen (just night in pub in our town) no-one came. I realized that I needed to treasure my real friends & keep work professional.

"I'd be relieved. I hate weddings. So does DH. We try very hard not to get invited and if we are we don't go unless we have to."

what a helpful reply.

I'm sorry OP, that sounds hurtful. Can you ask the nicest one of the group for any info?

That is really mean, no wonder you feel hurt. I think in that circumstance the bride really should have invited everyone. I think best you can do is rise above it, be as breezy as you can, and try not to let it get to you. though

Are you the newest, as in this was already planned, or are you the boss as in this is awkward?

I was excluded from a workmate's wedding. Everyone else was invited - even friends of friends when spaces became available. I thought we were close; I helped her in her job role and also with publicity for her hobby.

I was unsure why and it was awkward. It made me cool off with her a bit.

I think her or her partner didn't like my partner - but I never found out for definite. There was a very quick conversation but they'd been at the same school and didn't recognise each other's names - which was strange as it was a small school.

Oh this happened to me too, once. I'd also thought that I was on equal footing with the other people in the place, but apparently not! I couldn't get past it and was quite cool to the bride afterwards (it was a long time ago, I was pretty young) and she couldn't understand why, which made me even less inclined to be friendly to her.

If you're going to exclude just the one person from your workplace, at least have the decency to have some empathy as to why they might be hurt about it!

That's very mean.
I wouldn't be doing any of them any more favours. if possible, i'd probably start looking for a better job elsewhere.

That is mean and rather childishly ridiculous of them. If all were invited except you the bride should have had a chat beforehand to explain instead of you ending up feeling hurt and kind of fooled by them.

However, the very best way of dealing with this is to act as though you have no feelings about it whatsoever. If you can, comment on the pictures and say how great everyone looked and simply rise above it. It's the only thing that'll wipe the smug smile off the face of those who knew but continued to do all those activities with you. You'll look great and they'll feel small.

Are they all single and you have a partner, or vice versa?
Kind of clutching at straws, but if they were all invited as singles it may have felt odd/rude inviting you and not your partner but they felt rude not to so didn't invite either of you, or if you're the only single, didn't want you to feel like spare part?

For whatever reason the bride did not want you there it was her right.

These are your coworkers, not your friends. Friends would not have done that to a member of a friend group.

I feel for you Happylion but please don't take this to heart. Please hold your head up high and be the dignified and classy woman I am sure you are. Feelings can be hurt for no good reason but please rise above it.

I have no idea why this happened. And maybe you never will. But just be the epitome of class and take pride in it.:)

So sorry, OP. That is such a hurtful thing. I had something similar myself once and felt exactly like you - hurt, embarrassed and humiliated. Truth is though, they (the bride) should be the one feeling ashamed, not you. It’s possible that your co-workers were cowards rather than spiteful in not telling you, but may also not have realised. I too would be looking for another job now. How you play this is up to you. I can see the advantages of showing that you don’t care, but in my case, I genuinely couldn’t hide the hurt and I think that in itself made the others feel (and look) bad about what they had done. In my case, it was family, so I couldn’t escape them, and whilst we have moved on, I will never really forget what they did or feel the same about those involved. Sending you a big hug as it’s a shit situation to be in xxxx

Pretty much was going to say the same as trains. Am so sorry; I know exactly how you must be feeling. It will eat you up for ever if you don't say something (well it would me...), but can you wait until getting another job? Although you are a small team, do you work for a bigger company? Can you ask to be transferred to a different team? At the very least can you speak to hr and explain the situation and how hurt and embarrassed you are? I think it does count towards work place bullying; make it very clear that it's not a case of 'I didn't get invited to the wedding and I wanted to go', the bride can invite who the hell she likes; it is the deliberate and calculated exclusion, the allowing you to do the organising of card and present and presumably somewhere in there the 'don't tell happylion that you are all coming'. And it's all of them not just the bride. Am disgusted that not one of them felt they could take you to one side and explain. I would seek advice of hr asap and I would now not engage with any of them at all, except on professional basis. And I would look for new job immediately if you can't be transferred.
What horrid people.

Or if you can do what unravelling said that'd be good to. I do think however that hr should be informed as it is very calculated

*too

Your colleagues are in an awkward position and could of just kept quiet its wasn't there fault that you had not been invited. Ask one of them who you know will tell the other you asked keep your dignty just say at least you know where you stand and won't have to piss about with cards and collections anymore .

Um, it's nothing to do with HR.

That said, it is a horrible situation to be in and pretty shitty of everyone involved.

The only way you'll get answers is to ask, but that will obviously make things awkward. Up to you whether you want to know enough to risk it or just let it go & get on with your life.

What a nasty group of people. I'm sorry this happened, it's really horrible, and shows their true colours. I think I would have to say something if It was me. I don't think I could just carry on as normal, without finding out why.

Time for new job x

@happylion this has brought back a similar memory for me and it seems like more effort is made to exclude than include which seems really odd. I cannot understand people who do this kind of thing, especially when you think you know them... But it hurts.

Perhaps you put more effort into this friendship than it was worthy of. But still, rather shitty of them. I am interested to hear how they deal with this tomorrow.
I appreciate my real friends more now.

How unpleasant for you! 💐💐💐