Only 1 not invited to wedding

[happylion]

So it's a small team, only 5 of us, one of the girls got married this weekend, we're told it was only family only no problems I understand weddings and budget etc, however tonight I've found okout that I was the only one not to have been invited, I feel such a dick, I even organised a card and brought a gift, we went for drinks the other day and toasted her up coming wedding, but they all knew I wasn't invited and they were!
Bride is now away for a few weeks on honeymoon, and I'll be seeing the other girls in the office on Tuesday, I found out as I saw a picture of them all on Instagram and I liked it, so they will know I've seen it, I'm hurt, embarrassed and actually annoyed, i thought we were all friends, it's the lies ! Why lie? 😔 wwyd?

I was in a similar situation but found out a couple of weeks beforehand that everyone else but me and another colleague was invited , so I took my money out of the collection for her present. Petty, maybe, but it made me feel a bit better.

Excluding is a bullying tactic. That was really mean of them. I think I'd have to say something but not give them the satisfaction of knowing how hurt you are. The dynamics of this "friendship" group has changed now. Step back from them.

You deserve better than this.

Oh that's such a horrible thing to happen OP.

Having said that it must have been a very difficult situation for your work colleagues to navigate. Clearly they made the decision not to tell you, in which case they should have made sure that no pictures were posted and they should not have let you organise the collection.

I wouldn't say anything, but I'd definitely be less friendly with new bride when she comes back to work.

Gosh. That is tough. Where i used to work there was a girl who talked about her wedding non stop for 2 years. It had a cast of hundreds. Then she excluded 2 out of 5 people on her team. The others declined the invite!

I'd have to mention it, just causally along the lines of 'saw the pics, looks like you guys had fun...' then leave a long enough pause that they have to fill it. People hate silence!! Also given it's the bank holiday people will be talking about their weekends so if they aren't naturally doing so, they're feeling guilty!

This happened to me but outside of work. It broke the friendship, or what I thought was a friendship.

I know you must feel very hurt OP. However they have proved themselves not to be 'friends', simply work acquaintances. It will change the group dynamic now and you need to be prepared for that new distance.

I wouldn't say a word to them about the wedding.

I’d probably write what @BalloonSlayer said on the Instagram pic 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know were told that the bride can invite anyone she wants to her wedding and agree with this but I do think I'd be upset in this situation too

I am really sorry OP and it is a shit thing to happen.

Something similar happened to me once and we were all women in our late 30s and early 40s So definitely old enough to know better and not act like teenagers.

'Friend' got married and told me only family were invited to the ceremony but that I could attend the after party. Many weeks ensued of my listening to her plans and offering suggestions and assistance. Very excited and honoured to have been invited and involved in this happy event.... until I attended the after party to discover that said 'friend' had actually invited other friends from our mutual social circle to the ceremony... and their children. So not only was I excluded but my children [who were actually good friends of her children] were as well.
I was then forced to listen to mutual friends wax lyrical about the ceremony... and a couple of acquaintance friends who assumed I had also attended the ceremony said things like 'It was a lovely service wan't it' and 'weren't the flowers in the church beautiful' and I either played along saying 'yes they were' or admitted I wasn't there and received a puzzled look in response.

It was the lying and subterfuge which got me as well. And 'friend' was a bit off with me when I arrived at the after party. She was drunk at that stage and I think suddenly felt uncomfortable with me being there [initially having turned up all smiling and congratulatory], I think it made her feel bad and she didn't want that on her special day
Meanwhile, as the situation slowly dawned on me, I felt more and more hurt, confused and humiliated. We never really made it up after, there was a brief attempt at an explanation on her side after the event but it was piss poor tbh and I did not believe her.

In your shoes OP I would keep to the high ground... let them know you know, offer congratulations to the bride and tell the lot of them you saw the photos on instagram. Then I would probably start looking for another job as I would be too hurt and pissed off to want to maintain even a working relationship with the group let alone a friendship.

That must hurt :( I would need to confront them about it

How awful.

Maybe now is the time to evaluate the kind of people you work with. I would not say a word, don't ask or mention the wedding and spend much more time and energy into your real friends and family.

I would not be able to get past it and would be very cool towards all of them, really because I would no longer want to associate with a bunch of liars.

Turn very professional, don't see them out of work, keep the conversation professional and if at all possible leave or transfer. These kinds of packs of nasty people will continue to cause misery.

They are NOT your friends, they are just a bunch of sad sacks you have to work with. Focus entirely on this fact and you will be fine

I don't know. Maybe they didn't tell you because they didn't want to hurt you and cause a problem at work . I'd put this more on the bride than the others right now.

It's weird she did this. But she's done it for a reason. It's an unpleasant thing to do. To be nice to someone's face but lie to them and go behind their back in this manner.

I think thr approach I'd take is ask the colleague you are closest to what was going on. I would express surprise but not let them see you're angry or upset because that might be what the bride wants.

Thats horrible op.
Fwiw i had a colleague who invited me to hen do snd wedding. Im not sure how many others of small office were invited a few but not all.

She was a stirrer and i felt very caught between social obligation and fact that i didnt like her. Sounds cowardly but we shared a room so i was cordial. She constantly overshared and bitched. I would be 'busy' a lot.
I don't remember whether there was drama and covertness about invites and other blah blah. I tried to screen it out - she was ridiculous with all that. Lots of other drama- affairs cheating alliances. I feel for your colleagues. Some of them may just be wishing it would all go away. I know i did.

Tomorrow, before the bride gets back, you say to one or all of them

"It looks like you had a lovely time at the wedding. It is a pity you weren't all up front about it beforehand as we will now have a really strained work atmosphere."

Then just get on with your work. et them stew over how childish they seem. You never know, if the bride is trying to be Queen Bee, they may have a change of heart / start to grow up and refuse to join in any more silly games.

If not, then yes, maybe use it as the catalyst for making some changes for yourself!

Who arranged the collection? Did you propose it and nobody wanted to say 'ooh no, don't, we're all going to the wedding?' Because that put them in a tough position. But if one of them asked you to do it, then that is shitty behaviour.

I'm in the 'rise above it' camp. Let them know you know (liking the picture, saying you hope they had a good time), but don't communicate about the day other than this. If you can do it in good humour, then they are more likely to take your side than the bride's, if you see what I mean.

Reminds me of the recent thread about the one colleague that wasn't invited to a lunch? Maybe find that one and read up...

I can guarantee that some of those girls probably feel bad over what happened. Whoever put the post on Instagram could be the instigator . But it all sounds horrible .

Like other posters have been in a similar situation with a group of friends and I would find out later that they would all have had a day out without inviting me or my kids . The kids would find out in school from their friends . Tbh it was very hurtful . I distanced myself from them over time . Now I meet one or 2 separately on occasion but don’t bother with the rest .
Over the years I have learned that people who we think of as friends are merely acquaintances that we meet st varying stages of our lives .

Hold the head up high and don’t overthink it .

This sort of thing happened to me with a group of people dh was friends with and we invested a lot of time and money in them. Different circumstances though. I’d always suspected the women, who led the group disliked me immensely. Jealous that I had dh, not them. We eventually binned them off but the process of doing this was very hurtful.

This is shocking behaviour. It hurts a great deal when people tell you what they think of you. There will be a reason for this. The most obvious reason imo is jealousy. That is, even if it’s disguised as something else. She or possibly they probably see you as an outsider because you have high morals and a sense of justice. If not a sheep or typical group member, who is willing to be manipulated, people, who are sense this imo.

I would say something light and breezy, picked something from above. Or pointed if you can pull it off. Then turn and get on with your work.

How awful. I'd be polite and civil but no longer friendly

How horrible.
If I were you I would not say a thing, as anything you say could draw you into the situation more.just acknowledge any comments and step back. If you are feeling emotional, which I imagine you are, it will be difficult to not say something you may regret, or be judged by.

What thebewilderness said.

I would ensure that I have other plans for the inevitable baby shower, and no money on me for the gift!

It was a nasty thing to do, but at least now you know that these people are not your friends, and you can adjust your behaviour towards them accordingly.

My sympathies,OP. You must be very hurt.

I'd be equally hurt and actually I don't think the best strategy is to rise above it because that lets them off the hook. I'd be telling them straight that they were out of order, let them have to deal directly with the awkwardness of having you acknowledge to their faces that they were sly and nasty. Unless they are total psychopaths, they will know and feel bad already, so don't make it easy for them by ignoring the elephant in the room they've created.

But she was fine taking your gift? What a CF.

Op is obviously hurt and would like to have been invited, what a nasty thing to do, she does not sound very nice. I would ask her how the wedding was, and whether the others in the office all enjoyed it. I would be cool but professional towards her, how nasty. How would she not know that this action is incredibly nasty and divisive.