Only 1 not invited to wedding

[happylion]

So it's a small team, only 5 of us, one of the girls got married this weekend, we're told it was only family only no problems I understand weddings and budget etc, however tonight I've found okout that I was the only one not to have been invited, I feel such a dick, I even organised a card and brought a gift, we went for drinks the other day and toasted her up coming wedding, but they all knew I wasn't invited and they were!
Bride is now away for a few weeks on honeymoon, and I'll be seeing the other girls in the office on Tuesday, I found out as I saw a picture of them all on Instagram and I liked it, so they will know I've seen it, I'm hurt, embarrassed and actually annoyed, i thought we were all friends, it's the lies ! Why lie? 😔 wwyd?

This is horrible and people saying bride can invite who she likes are spectacularly missing the point. It's the lies and the pretence that is the problem. You don't leave 1 member of a team out, you just don't. It will have consequences for the atmosphere and morale at work for a start afterwards. I get what people are saying "rise above it, don't show your upset, but I would find it very difficult to even be friendly with these people now.

Yes it's not so easy to "rise above it" if you have to work with them day in, day out especially as it's such a small team. That's why I don't understand the colleagues (guests not brides) behaviour. I mean they must know that she'll be hurt, surely at least some of them considered the future awkwardness ?

OP that is very hurtful and I'm sorry for you.
I agree with posters who've said -
Ignore the whole event ever happened
Say nothing
distance yourself and make the relationships professional only ( that must hurt but they've behaved like school girls)
Start looking for a new job at some point.

You'll need to dig deep and move forward. I really wouldn't give them the pleasure of letting them know that it's hurt you. They clearly don't care so why should you. We can tell that you do care but what can you do, you'll never change them.

I know someone who has tried this on me a few times and i've never offered up a complaint or mentioned it. Simply removed myself from the firing line. Never once did they apologise/ explain etc...

for you. it's horrible.

I don't think that any colleague would want to say, oh by the way op, we are all going to the wedding but you aren't invited. Upsetting for you and them and embarrassing. I would say the bride was in the wrong not the 'lying' colleagues. It wasn't the colleague's call, who went.
What's done is done but you are free to view the bride with a different attitude from now on.

I suspect the bride told your colleagues not to tell you but if your colleagues were proper friends they wouldn't have gone along with it.

💐. That’s pretty shitty of all of them.

Personally, I’d have to say something. I think BaloonSlayers angle is the best one. Ask why they didn’t have the decency to be truthful about being invited and why they didn’t do the card/collection.

The bride was incredibly stupid & rude not to invite 1 person out of a small team (unless there was an obvious issue beforehand, which there clearly wasn’t). Just because it’s your wedding, it doesn’t mean the decisions you make don’t hurt others and cause problems. Selfishband nasty is selfish and nasty, wedding or not.

I’d give it an hour tomorrow, see if anyone says anything, then if not, I’d raise it myself.

Be strong 💐

The bride sounds awful but your colleagues went along with it. If they were real friends they would have said something or declined due to principles.

I think you have to say something to clear the air. It would be good to watch them squirm as they try not to talk about the wedding in front of you but I think being secretly upset with them day after day will stress you more.
I think you need an honest " does anyone know why I was the only one not invited? "
They might have a reasonable answer ( I don't think the bride wanted you to be the only couple) or they might say something more illuminating.

Also, put yourself in the others’ shoes and think about what the likely scenario was. If the bride invited you and told you to keep it a secret because she also invited A B D and but not C and explained... how do you think she may have justified it and how do you think she got the others to blatantly lie to you? If she gave you a reason you couldn’t argue with like... I think of C as a work friend and I know we’d never stay friends if one of us left and this small wedding is only close friends and family... but I don’t want to cause an unpleasant atmosphere at work at the same time and I definitely don’t wish to hurt C’s feelings.... could I please ask you to say you’re also not invited? I really don’t want C to feel excluded but at the same time, she’s not really a personal friend so it feels odd to invite her to my wedding.

What would you have done?

Would you have agreed?

Would you have declined and told C what the bride suggested?

Only you know the people involved and can say whether it was meant to not hurt you (and the colleagues fucked it up with a single photo) or whether it was malicious.

I like what Balloon Slayer says but realistically, the damage is done. I would be cool with them as well, not emotional or dramatic, just say your peice and move on professionally but let the friendships slide. Very difficult given your such a small team.

What Balloonslayer said. The others knew op wasn’t invited yet let up organise the card and present.

That is pretty mean. I would want to know why.

That's just plain nasty! What a horrible bunch of women you work with OP 💐

OP, so sorry for you, that is shit. I agree it's not the invite that's the problem, but the lying around it. Going to make for an awkward atmosphere in the office now.

I do think one of them, at least, may make an attempt to speak to you about it.

Meanwhile, you've mentioned you're all involved with each other out of work, so I'd knock that on the head and move this to being strictly professional.

This is really upsetting and I can totally empathise with you.

However you do need to be careful how you handle it as it could make the working environment impossible, even if you looked for another job it could take ages.

I would avoid having a showdown about it as it will solidify any "them and us" element (possibly). I would definitely approach it but would probably start off using the medium of humour.

e.g. "So... Was it something I said?" or "Wildlife is amazing, look at this elephant in the room!" or "It was a quiet one for me this weekend, filed my nails... you?" All said with a big smile. People do warm to those who take things in good humour (even if you're actually seething and you'll probably find they are relieved to be able to talk about it. Unless they are bitches, in which case they'll be arsey with you about it (then you really know how they are).

After all, it was the BRIDE who didn't invite you not them. You actually have the time she is on honeymoon to be pals with them because not inviting you was going to cause a divide and it will irk her if she comes back and all's fine and dandy. Then you can deal with her separately.

I would not assume they were all fine with having to lie to you etc. Bride has obviously put them on the spot.

I'd comment on the collection as mentioned above to colleagues. That was unkind.

Would I say something about the wedding? I'd probably say well looks like you all had a great time and see how they react.

.

Have had this - couldn’t have gone anyway as was away but bride didn’t know this. Weren’t big mates but I was the only one if he team not going etc. It made me cooler with her I have to say and made me realise that actually I didn’t particularly ‘like’ her or wouldn’t outside of work. I got back to work and didn’t say anything and no one brought it up immediately after so that was fine ( she was off on honey moon so not around for weeks). Just forget it would be my advice. I don’t know if my colleagues knew I wasn’t invited - probably knowing the bride— but I just acted like I wasn’t fussed. What else are you going to do? Even if you do feel like a mug...

I’m so sad for you. I’d also feel horrible in this situation. I can imagine if it were me I’d probably breeze into work tomorrow snd with a smile say to one of them (when all around) ‘Hi! What amazing weather this weekend! How was the wedding? I totally thought none of you were going? But I saw the photo...?’ And sit back and wait for the squirming.
But I also know I’d have to be prepared for an answer I didn’t like, the fact that I’d go home and cry, and the fact that I’d perhaps forever feel uncomfortable in my job and might have to look for a new one. Good luck OP 💐

What a mean thing to do. If you are inviting a group of people you invite them all or don’t invite any of them.
Totally agree with Sundaygirls though. I’d address it but not dwell on it.

OP although I agree it was very sly on them to lie, I would not say this when confronting them

I would say something like 'I was very hurt and confused why you all told me you weren't going but you were' or 'why did you let me organise a card and gift when I was the only one going, I feel like an idiot now, and I'm really hurt and embarrassed'

If you attack them (by calling them sly etc.) you will look bad, and they will go on the defence.

Take the moral high ground and just say you are hurt...watch them squirm.

They have done you a favour by showing you their true colours.

Maybe "I was hurt that you lied to me about going to the wedding , why did you do that?" Prepare yourself for more lies.

Well done cqc for spectacularly missing the point.