Only 1 not invited to wedding

[happylion]

So it's a small team, only 5 of us, one of the girls got married this weekend, we're told it was only family only no problems I understand weddings and budget etc, however tonight I've found okout that I was the only one not to have been invited, I feel such a dick, I even organised a card and brought a gift, we went for drinks the other day and toasted her up coming wedding, but they all knew I wasn't invited and they were!
Bride is now away for a few weeks on honeymoon, and I'll be seeing the other girls in the office on Tuesday, I found out as I saw a picture of them all on Instagram and I liked it, so they will know I've seen it, I'm hurt, embarrassed and actually annoyed, i thought we were all friends, it's the lies ! Why lie? 😔 wwyd?

You have been treated in a shitty way OP... I would be upset too in your shoes. I too think be cool and gradually cooler and just drift to a place of professional only. One day they will need something from you and you can just .......not do it.

I'm not bothered so much about not being invited, it's the lie about no one being invited and even when I asked the girls if they were going they said no, then they let me get a gift, I think it's says a lot more about them than me. I will have to say something, just like I think that was very sly of you all, glad u had a good time. And then disengage and move on.

I feel like I'm having a lot of one-sided friendships over the last couple of years and it's starting to get tiring, thanks for your advice it's not a HR matter, but I'm not going to be embarrassed by it either now, if anyone else asks about the wedding I'm going to openly say oh I wasn't invited but the rest of the team was they looked like they had a good time, and turn it around. It's a shame as we had a really nice atmosphere and a good laugh at work.

This happened to me once too. A very close friend from college was getting married and invited our entire group of friends (about nine of us) to the wedding. Except me. I never found out why but was very hurt. She’s since gone on to have a baby and again, told that entire circle of friends she was expecting... except me. Needless to say we no longer speak

OP I agree with others that it's not your colleagues fault. It wasn't their decision not to invite you, they did not have the option to invite you.
Rather than lying they have chosen not to discuss it in front of you- they probably feel awkward about the situation.
The only beef you have is with the bride.

Have to say though I agree it's a lucky break. I hate weddings too.
I would have been delighted not to have been asked.

Totally agree with @UnRavellingFast

However, the very best way of dealing with this is to act as though you have no feelings about it whatsoever. If you can, comment on the pictures and say how great everyone looked and simply rise above it. It's the only thing that'll wipe the smug smile off the face of those who knew but continued to do all those activities with you. You'll look great and they'll feel small.

Imo this is almost ALWAYS the best way to react to anything

1. Because if they want you to be upset and you're not , it'll really really piss them off

1. If they were simply being thoughtless douches, it'll show them that being a douche doesn't work

1. If they genuinely forgot you and are too scared to say 'whoops, sorry', there's no point mentioning it because they're not worth interacting with

1. If they feel badly about it and are too scared to talk to you about it, as (3) above

I would cool off with all of them over the next few weeks, but in a non nasty way. Don't let them know it hurts as imo that achieves nothing. You can't change people

Awkward for the guests. It’s likely this is all the bride’s doing. Hurtful for you. I would aim for breezy but vague over it. Definitely focus on your friends outside of work.

I don't agree that Ops only issue is with the bride. The colleagues lied directly to her and they compounded that lie by allowing her to organize a card and gift and then by going for drinks where they would have had to watch what they said so as not to give the game away.

Ok, it wasn't their decision to not invite her but I think people excusing their own complicit behavior because speaking up might have caused them to feel a little uncomfortable is really pathetic, especially when measured against the possible hurt and humiliation being felt by the person who was left out. Not being invited is hurtful and confusing in this case but ultimately you can accept that's the brides call. Knowing that everyone was actively involved in keeping the secret is horrible.

It's interesting that they were only concerned that she didn't find out beforehand - they've posted photos knowing she'd likely see them so they clearly didn't feel all that uncomfortable. Most likely they are counting on Op feeling too awkward to bring it up. A sly bunch imo.

Where was the lie?
Did they say they weren’t invited?
Or did they omit to tell you because obviously felt uncomfortable

i don't understand why people do this. it always comes out and causes such hurt.

Op said she asked if they were going highhorse although imo lying by omission in this scenario isn't any different to the direct lie.

The only thing you know for certain is that the bride didn't want you at her wedding. You have no idea how the others felt, or what they were asked to say to you.
I expect you'll find out more tomorrow, in the meantime there's no point in fretting over it.

Yeh we spoke about it a few times and they said they weren't invited not even to the night do, ooh they also said they didn't go on the hen do either , wonder if that was another coverup, this is all weird and confusing, we're in our 30s and we're involved in each others life in and out of work , this seems playground stuff and I'm really surprised.

If I was going to say something, I'd go with: "Given that you guys were invited to the wedding, and I wasn't, and you knew this, and I didn't, how come you sat there and let me organise the present? Why didn't even one of you offer to take the job off me? You let the one person who wasn't even invited do all the work. Why?"

How hurtful, can totally understand why you feel upset, I would be exactly the same. And yes, whilst the bride is ultimately to blame, the rest of the team are involved through their lying. Gettng you to organize the gift is really low, I think.
The best way to deal with this is smile and detach. Don't let them see how upset you are, but withdraw whilst staying professional. That said, I think that would be very difficult, and tbh, I'd be tempted to ask for peace of mind! Just be aware you may not like the answer.

The bride is a complete idiot. She’s now created a huge permanent problem for herself at her workplace and dropped all her colleagues in it too, so they will resent her. All for the sake of a wedding invitation.

That’s so hurtful op. I wonder (not that it would make it ok) is there anything in particular that differentiates you to them- you’re married/single, senior, newest member of team?
I think the rise above it approach is best 💐

What a mean thing to do. It's what I'd expect in a primary school playground 'it's my game, you're not joining in' type of behaviour. I hope when you ask your colleagues, they feel a modicum of shame happylion. They may pass that feeling on to the bride before she returns. With a bit of luck.

A wedding is a personal event and the bride can choose to invite who she wants to. You were not invited. It’s no big deal, don’t make it one.
If you’re not involved in her life outside work why would you expect to go?
You can’t be expected to get an invite just because you organised the card / gift - this is just what people do in an office environment.

I think the best thing you can do now is detach. Be professional and polite but you know now that you're not friends with these people. She presumably had some reason for not inviting you and that's her call but all of them together compounded the hurt and confusion. They're not trustworthy and they don't have an ounce of loyalty.

I would agree with BalloonSlayer as would have to say something to the group as a whole rather than just the bride.

It is hurtful to excluded like that as well as being lied to...

Cqc I think op is more upset about the lies about it rather than the lack of invitation and she’s said they are al very social with each other

CQ is it that you haven't read the thread or do you have difficulty with comprehension?

Don't think that's the point, CQC really. Certainly the bride can invite who she wants, nobody is disputing that. Its the underhand, secretive way she and the other colleagues have gone about it that's the problem. If they'd been upfront, instead of lying and pretending that none of them were going, then there wouldn't be this problem. Its the deceitfulness that's the big deal, imo.

Agree with others about commenting on pic like you don't care!

You can’t complain to HR because you haven’t been invited to a wedding, that’s utterly ridiculous. Ultimately whatever the reason it’s the brides day and she can decide to invite whoever she likes.
I wouldn’t blame your colleagues, they probably didn’t want to upset you by telling you.