Only 1 not invited to wedding

[happylion]

So it's a small team, only 5 of us, one of the girls got married this weekend, we're told it was only family only no problems I understand weddings and budget etc, however tonight I've found okout that I was the only one not to have been invited, I feel such a dick, I even organised a card and brought a gift, we went for drinks the other day and toasted her up coming wedding, but they all knew I wasn't invited and they were!
Bride is now away for a few weeks on honeymoon, and I'll be seeing the other girls in the office on Tuesday, I found out as I saw a picture of them all on Instagram and I liked it, so they will know I've seen it, I'm hurt, embarrassed and actually annoyed, i thought we were all friends, it's the lies ! Why lie? 😔 wwyd?

I think you should ask them why they think you were left out.

It's obviously up to the bride who she invites but perhaps the others were an afterthought? If it's a tight budget and she had a few spaces left after the RSVPs perhaps she just invited the three she could fit last minute?

It's not great but maybe the bride wasn't thinking it was such a sensitive issue.

Or maybe she thinks you drink to much socially, or get too loud or so eother reason so she planned to leave you out. I think you need to ask.

Were you asked to organise the whip round, OP?

It may be that you are 'friendly' but not actual friends with the bride as she sees it. If that's the case then at least you know where you stand.

So sorry OP. It hurts when you find out things like this.

At least they didn't sit and make their plans as a group of 5 in front of you or go whisper to each other when only 3 of you in the office at that moment.

I just get on with my work now and keep the conversation to non personal stuff while job hunting.

I would be looking else where for another job, sounds like a nasty catty environment.

You know, she has sullied her wedding by being nasty. That is the memory your colleagues will have of her wedding day, how they had to keep quiet about being invited, how no one in the office could talk about it. How lovely... not!

I’d mention that to her when she’s back. Tell her you realise that it would have put a real damper on her planning that she had to whisper in corners about arrangements and and ask everyone to tell lies because she didn’t want to admit you weren’t invited. It can’t have been a pleasant way to arrange her special day

I would have to address this, as otherwise it would drive me crazy and make me feel worse.

I definitely think a: "The wedding looked lovely, it's a pity that none of you have the common decency to be honest with me about going. I can't understand why you let me run round buying gifts and cards when you knew I was the only one here not invited. I feel humiliated and very sad that people I thought of as friends would behave this way. Clearly I was wrong.

I would then leave it there and only have a purely professional relationship with them and would also be looking for another job as I couldn't stay there with colleagues (obviously they are not friends) who couldn't do me the courtesy of honesty.

I’d also say nothing - it could be relayed back to the bride and create drama/gossip.

Put yourself in the frame of mind that there was no wedding this weekend.

Having said that I would still HOPE that now the wedding is over one of them has enough decency to acknowledge their lying/letting you believe something untrue.

In your colleague’s shoes I would have declined immediately after discovering this/being told to lie. Wouldn’t want someone’s wedding cause me a longer term problem or rift at work, not worth it by a long shot.

So just had a call from one of the girls, I wasn't going to pick up but I thought I've not done anything wrong,
She was like hi how are you bla bla, being awkward

So I said , looks like you all had a good weekend glad the weather was nice, however I feel like a right mug, at least I know where I stand, she said it wasn't her place to say anything and she did think it was odd, I said well I would of thought you could of just told me, u were even saying to me how weird it was that we weren't invited 🤔 on Thursday!! And you knew full well,
Anyway I've got to go off to a bbq, I was all breezy.
Thinking about it, I actually do a lot more for them than they do for me, as I've said it's not the invite it's the covering it up, but I'm a big girl and will let them crack on with it all, but it's ruined the friendships, however work wise I'll just be professional.

That's really, really mean OP. I'm so sorry.

I think I'd be tempted to say something if the meanness and lying continues, along the lines of "Wow. I didn't know I was working in a middle school playground. So disappointing."

Mean girls suck.

She has sullied her special day with lies, how stupid. That will be what your colleagues will remember most from her big day.

I would tell her that when she is back. Tell her you realise her planning and arrangements were spoiled by her sneaking around and asking guests to lie for her and you wish that she hadn’t marred her wedding day by doing that because you would have understood if she had told you.

Just read your latest post. You see it is already what I’d being talked about rather than her dress or the speeches... The lies are going to be the main topic of conversation! Stupid woman.

I have no idea what goes on in peoples minds when they do stuff like this. So childish, so mean and so hurtful.

I was unwittingly involved in a similar event some years ago. A group of friends were attending a regular event together, it was one of the party's birthday and she invited everyone to dinner and drinks after. At least I assumed everyone...

At the end of the regular event, we prepared to leave for the dinner and drinks. It was at this point that it became clear just two people (out of around 15) had not been invited.

It was excruciatingly awkward as these two were seemingly confused about what was happening and watching it dawn that they had been left out.

I felt out of sorts all evening and the next day I called them both, to explain that I had no idea that they were not invited and felt terrible about it. I explained that the vast majority of the group had no idea either.

Dreadful behaviour. I really feel for you.

Sorry OP, that's really hurtful. It's one thing to cover it up, but another thing to put it on social media knowing you'd see it. Bitchy and tacky! Losers

zzzzz Read the thread. It’s not the lack of an invitation, it’s the lying that is the issue.

I agree with UnRavelling further up the thread. Rise above it - not for their sake - but for yours. You have the power to diminish their mean-spirited act and make it small and meaningless.

Yes this hurts, it would hurt me too. I would do everything I could not to give them any satisfaction of knowing that I was in any way upset about it. Cool indifference would be great if you can manage that.

What other posters have said about them being co-workers and not friends... well that door swings both ways. No interaction with them other than civil - and complete disinterest in anything that would stray into 'friends' territory... because these are not your friends, if anything, they're enemies because they allowed you to involve yourself in friendship activities because you thought you were a group of friends.

Whatever else goes on in that office now, just civil behaviour from you and remember that this is who they are - and this is who you are, not a manipulating user of people.

for you. :)

Missed your update, HappyLion, I thought your response was good. I hope that woman feels uncomfortable, she should. She'll pass that discomfort on to the rest of the 'group' as she'll need to rally support. So they can all feel awkward and small. Good.

You carry on as you are, hold your head up high. :)

No, zzzzz, it's the lying, the subterfuge and the involvement of HappyLion in all the other 'friendship' things. The being left out was the 'cherry on top'.

The lot of them don't sound very nice keeping quiet like that, without pulling the bride up. If I was asked to do that by a bride, I woukd refuse, and tell her why! She does not sound like a nice person at all, those colleagues lack a backbone and any decency.

OP the whole thing was probably about telling a "kind" lie to spare your feelings

I've been told on here that a kind lie is better than the truth

in this case, would you prefer the bride had said to you "please be aware, I've invited some work colleagues but not at all"? I always prefer the truth but apparently that's not popular

in terms of you offering to buy the gift etc, they probably didn't know what to do or how to handle it. I would have been the person wanting to let you know what was really going on and I bet money I'd have been told by the rest of the group "no, don't say anything, you'll hurt her feelings".

Anyway, I think a job is a job and tying friendships up is very complicated so if you are happy in your job, just carry on with that but don't have drinks etc with them any more. Just smile and say you're busy with other things. that could be watching TV, but you're still busy with other things.

I think you handled her well. Now she will take it back to the others and they will feel really awkward. Good.

The OP says it is the lying zzzzz.

So she’s a close enough colleague to call for a chat on a Bank Holiday Monday but not enough to be straight with you, wonder how she’d feel in your shoes?!

Most people would have said “No I’m not lying & being drawn into this” a long time ago.