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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To discourage Dd from having a baby

401 replies

sandsandthesea · 25/04/2018 18:49

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

OP posts:
mimibunz · 25/04/2018 18:55

What are you going to be honest about? I mean I think it’s a terrible idea to begin adult life with having children. What does a 19 year old have to offer a baby? She’s still a kid, herself. Would she be willing to get married to dp, if only for legal benefits? And how will she support the child?

malificent7 · 25/04/2018 18:56

She is an adult so not a lot you can do really.

Pengggwn · 25/04/2018 18:56

Has she asked you for advice?

expatinscotland · 25/04/2018 18:57

I'd always encourage marriage before children.

malificent7 · 25/04/2018 18:57

Legally an adult but i do see why you are concerned...

BlurryFace · 25/04/2018 18:57

Unless they're under your roof or being financially supported by you, don't interfere.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/04/2018 18:58

So her and her dp both have jobs and have a home of their own? If nope then nothing else to discuss....

ashbah1980 · 25/04/2018 18:58

YANBU. My DD is just 19 and I had her when I was 18, DD2 13 months later and DD3 4.5 years after that. It's bloody hard work- me and exP had been together 6 months when I fell and neither of us could go through an abortion and fortunately both our families were incredibly supportive meaning we had childcare while we were at uni/worked- plus exPs parents had a granny flat so we lived rent free until DD1 was 6.

She won't for a second understand just how difficult it is- i'm fortunate because even though me and exP are now separated I didn't become a single mum until 5 years ago. The majority of boys that age are only interested in one thing- and so should she, tbh.

What is her social life like? Stop her going out for a few weekends and i'm sure she will change her mind.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 25/04/2018 18:59

What are you going to be honest about? Is she copying your path as most follow their main role models.

At nineteen, realistically she has nothing to offer a child. Any relationship is unlikely to last, she can't have a steady career behind her, no savings very likely and no stability of owning her own home. Does she even have the finances to support a child or will be turn to other taxpayers to fund this want?

Its a terrible idea.

HollowTalk · 25/04/2018 18:59

Does she work? Has she travelled at all? Does she have a lovely home? I'd encourage those things rather than discourage a baby. Let's face it, at 19 you're at the bottom of the career rung and usually pretty broke. You're more likely to be in accommodation that's not too good and not have things that make life easier.

The main thing is, though, that she can have a baby at any time (hopefully.) What's the rush?

JoanOfNarc · 25/04/2018 18:59

Tricky. I would say it's a huge decision with massive consequences and give examples, ie, you can't go out. And maybe encourage her to leave it a year to think on it. Ultimately you can't say too much as you may isolate her and she is an adult(of sorts). I feel for you OP.

ivykaty44 · 25/04/2018 18:59

Are they both working and have their own place?

As expat advices marriage before children is very wise for the female

KateGrey · 25/04/2018 18:59

At 19 I’d be honest with it. Raising kids is no picnic and there’s a lot to be said for having fun whilst you’re young and then settling down. Do they live with you? If so they’re being quite unreasonable to think you’d want to live with them and their child.

Somersetlady · 25/04/2018 18:59

Rather than be homest tell her to go and research other peoples storys of starting a family at such a young age in recent years.

That might change her mind.

Dozer · 25/04/2018 18:59

Can she and her DP financially support themselves?

Is she planning to work FT? If not, and they’re not married, suggest sharing information about what this could mean for her personal - and her DC’s - long term financial future.

Original poster
sandsandthesea · 25/04/2018 19:01

They both work. Living with his parents at the moment. She works weekends so doesn’t go out all that much.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 25/04/2018 19:03

I din't agree that a 19 year old can't offer a baby anything...very patronising.
I do believe she will miss out on fun though and freedom.

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 25/04/2018 19:05

She wants a baby. Does she want to support an eleven year old, a teenager , young adult? It’s lifelong, not just a cute baby to cuddle and dress up.

Leontine · 25/04/2018 19:08

At 19, presumably she’ll be 20 before any baby is born. Although young, it’s not that young, as she’s legally an adult and is no longer even a teenager.

It wouldn’t have been right for me but plenty of people manage it.

IAmMotherOfDragons · 25/04/2018 19:12

I agree with malificent....it is very patronizing to say a 19 yr old has nothing to offer a baby.

How do you posters on here know what she can offer a baby???

Maybe explain how hard work it is having a baby, there is no off switch and theres no giving it back if she has had enough..... but ultimately it is her decision and her choice.

I chose to have a baby at 20 with my bf of only a few months. we're still together 12 years later, married with 2 children. we have a house, jobs, our children are clever, polite, well looked after and cared for, safe and above all loved!!

Original poster
sandsandthesea · 25/04/2018 19:12

Yes she’d be twenty.

OP posts:
IveGotNoClothes · 25/04/2018 19:12

There is no way in hell I'd have wanted a baby at 19, however some or most of my school friends had them at that age and loved it.

I personally couldn't think of anything worse.

Dozer · 25/04/2018 19:13

So they are not financially supporting themselves. Seems unlikely they’ll be able to afford childcare. Either of them would be foolish to stop FT work when they’re not married.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 25/04/2018 19:14

So no home of their own? Is she thinking it's a quick way to get a council house? Will their salaries cover a household let alone chidcare at 19?

We all want things, doesn't mean we can afford them or that others should fund them.

Echobelly · 25/04/2018 19:14

I guess it may come down to the reason... if she and DP think they'd just like to get having kids out of the way early and have a plan for building a life together, great. And maybe they do.

If, for example, she wants a baby because they're having a wobbly patch and she thinks it'll make her partner stay, that would be a bad reason.