To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

[villainousbroodmare]

It's not that a 19 yo has nothing to offer a baby... It's that the same person, aged 25 or 29 or 32 is likely to have more education, more maturity, more money and that is theoretically a better situation.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I've often thought young mums were doing it right! More energy, more fun, more stamina... Plus the grandparents are younger too.

I'd never try to dissuade someone from having kids young. Have the DC in your early 20s, then start your career in your 30s when they start secondary school, and carry on right through without having to take a break.

There's a lot to be said for it.

[Firstnameterms]

Does she expect his parents to support them? Are they happy to have a planned baby under their roof? It’s one thing saying she is an adult but they live with his parents so clearly cannot support themselves.

[VladmirsPoutine]

I'd discourage any 19yo to have a child as a willing choice. They are 19. They have their whole lives ahead of them. I can accept it's different strokes for different folks. At 19 my friends and I were at uni probably drinking recklessly at mid-day, not planning babies.

[PutTheChocEggDown]

I think there's a lot to be said for having children younger if you have a good relationship. I did the whole travel thing but I sometimes wish I had met DH younger, not least so we would have more time after DC all grown up.

[immortalmarble]

The problem is vlad the discouragement may have the effect of pushing the dd closer to her partner and to the idea of creating her own family.

[TheHonGalahadThreepwood]

My grandmother had her first at 19 and had three DC by the time she was 21. Not unusual in the 40s/50s, and a great biological age to have kids if you genuinely feel ready. But she was securely married to an older man who was established with his own farm by that point. They didn't live in luxury, but she was in no danger of being left alone and homeless, as could easily happen to OP's daughter if things don't work out with the boyfriend. I doubt his parents are going to want her living with them if the relationship breaks down. There's a reason why men have historically been quite a bit older than women when they got married: it's because they had to work and establish a home to bring their bride to, a home they could bring up a family in, before they could aspire to marriage and family life at all.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Curious: to the mums that had their children in their late teens/ early twenties, would you want your children to have children as early? (I’m actually asking as interested)

[TheBigFatMermaid]

Sp much negativity on here. My DD got married at 19, had her first baby at just under 21, had her second at just under 23, is a marvelous Mum, BF both, only stopped BF the first a couple of months before the second one came along.

[theeyeofthestormchaser]

LOL You haven't. It's almost drilled into us these days.... you must have a career! All I EVER wanted was to be a Mum. I had my first at 19 and I loved every single day of it

But what were you or your dh doing that you could afford a child at that age?

It’s one thing to be broody, but kids are a privilege not a right, and you have to be able to support your own dc... most 19yos are not in a position to do that!

All the 20yos posting on here saying they own their own home, what do you all do?

[Dozer]

Seems like posters who became mothers young and think it was good are still with their DPs/Hs. Much, much harder if the relationship breaks down. almost always mothers who are single parents.

Giving up WoH is a really bad financial plan if you’re not married, unless you have independent financial assets.

[VladmirsPoutine]

immortalmarble You're not wrong there. A pregnant teen is my worst nightmare as a potential parent. I'm sure it worked out for some but I really wouldn't think any 19yo should be taking pride in being able to be 'energetic' enough to run around after a baby nor think she has 'the best body' for childbirth. Being a teen mum is to be avoided at all and any cost imho.

[freegazelle]

Ergh. So many nasty stereotypes being trumped out on this thread.

If their relationship is strong, they have steady jobs and they get their own place than why not.

[theeyeofthestormchaser]

Whatsgoingon - i’d never try to dissuade someone from having kids young. Have the DC in your early 20s, then start your career in your 30s when they start secondary school, and carry on right through without having to take a break

So who supports you, who pays for you and your dc, while you’re having your dc until you start working at 35???

[huha]

Really shocked at some mums on here telling OP to butt out.

Yes, she's an adult. That doesn't mean she isn't OP's CHILD still.

OP, be a mother. Your instinct will guide you, avoid asking on a forum like this for advice (is my only advice).

[flubdub]

I had a baby at 18. I don't regret it, but if I could chose my life again, I would have waited.
It was hard. Not as hard as people told me it would be, however I would have made different choices looking back, on certain aspects of how I brought him up.

I wouldn't discourage her from having a baby, as it won't work. But encourage other things instead, like a career, saving for a house, things like that.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

OP the point to make to your DD I think would be, holding off having kids a few years doesn’t mean you won’t have kids but having kids so young does mean she will miss out on certain experiences.

[immortalmarble]

My mother agreed with you vlad!

Sadly, she never got over it and I guess it came down to: would you rather have your daughter, even pregnant and with a scarlet letter S for Slut on her school uniform, or not?

All I know is I’ve got my DCs back like no one else in the world. If they get pregnant, fat, sad, mad, bad, they are still mine and that’s why I love them after all

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

I had DS at 20, unplanned but couldn't go through with an abortion, and had only been with my boyfriend for a couple of months. It worked out for us - we have been married for 16 years and DS is a joy - so it's not necessarily a given that a young mum cannot make a good mum. I think I have been a great mum despite my young age when he was born. However I don't think I would have chosen to conceive as a conscious decision after being with a partner for such a short time. In your dd's care, she has been with her DP a long time, so that doesn't apply, but it does mean a completely different life to that you would imagine.

I never had the going out to clubs or travelling phases, as I had a child and full time job (and stepchildren living with us 100%). I have a happy life and DS is 17 now, but if I think of him and his girlfriend having a baby so young, it makes me feel worried and sad. I don't think you're wrong to worry.

[dementedma]

immortal they can have them whenver they like....as long as it isn't getting dumped on me to look after.
I've spent the last 20 years plus of my life raising children and putting them first. i have absolutely no desire to start over as a "granny". horrible word - if the dds do have kids they will have to come up with some other title than granny or nanna. shudder
"miserable old bag" would probably be appropriate

[Alarecherche]

sand I’d try and parlay this discussion into practicalities and get them to see that getting their own place and getting married, figuring out stable career plans should be in place first.

I had mine late-ish, I could see benefits of having had them in my 20s not 30s but I can’t see how they think it’s ideal to do when still living with dp’s parents

[Member984815]

@onlyfoolsnmothers I'm hoping my kids leave it later than I did . I want them to have fun before they settle down . But if they were young having kids I'd support them any way I could

[Bluelady]

I wouldn't have had it any different. Our relationship didn't last and I was a single mum from the time my son was three. Times were really tough financially for a while but we got through. It was the two of us against the world and we're very close as a result. He's 43 now and my only regret is that I won't be a granny.

[Alarecherche]

demented I agree my main concern (as happenednin my family) is that the couple split and dd plus baby move back in with sand and she ends up doing a whole lot of childcare.

You can say no, but if your dc are desperate it’ll be hard to enforce that

[immortalmarble]

My mother didn’t look after DD once. She died when DD was nine months anyway. So she never really got to be a grandma!

There are worse things than being a grandmother!