To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

[yerbutnobut]

Massive generalisation to say that age has nothing to offer a baby. I had my DS under 20 and had a mortgage, good job, partner. Nearly 20 years on and I still work, always have, married, Mortgage nearly paid off and I'm not 40. DS has just qualified in a great career with huge potential, travel opportunities etc...everyone always comments on what a lovely, kind and thoughtful young man he is so I've not done so bad as a young mum and think people who put us down are very small minded in believing being a better parent comes with age, this is not always the case.

[harlaandgoddard]

Yes be honest with her but don’t say that she can’t offer a baby anything or that she’s still a kid herself. Patronising and unnecessary. Plenty of people have babies young and make good parents. But do ask how they will afford to move out, provide childcare or give up work etc. Point out that she could start saving now and have a baby in a few years time and be much more comfortable. I’d also mention how having a grandparent being too involved can be irritating. Also, does she want her kids to be close in age? Because one kid is much easier to support than 2 or 3.

Speaking as a teenage mum (although not planned). The last two things I didn’t consider.

[Mrsmadevans]

OP she will do what she wants anyway espesh if she has nothing else in her life other than having a baby, being a mum/girlfriend. Be careful because you really don't want to alienate them if they do go ahead and you end up a gran.

[LimonViola]

fluffyblanket17 that must have been a long time ago, or you were living with parents on reduced/subsidised/free rent in order to be able to put so much away!

Well done :) but it's just not feasible for most people without huge amounts of help from family.

[ALemonyPea]

Legally, you can’t do anything to stop her, she is an adult. You could try talking to her and dissuade her for now, but once you’re in the mindset of wanting a baby, it’s pretty hard to get out of it.

I started trying for a baby when I was 20, ended up needing months of fertility tests and treatment and didn’t become a mum until I was 23. Hypocritically I don’t want my DC to have children until they’re a little older, I want them to get a career and a house first.

[Happygummibear]

I would have loved a child earlier however I am really pleased I waited as I went through many failed relationships.

It did mean I was able to enjoy life, just have fun and find a career I could have a rest from while on mat leave but able to go back to.

Btw I am in my 30s.

20 +years ago things were very different for women to get pregnant much younger.

But if she wants to have children there isn't much you can do apart from buying a chastity belt....

[HildaZelda]

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. Personally I think 19/20 is way to young to deliberately have a baby.

[ChinwagCharlieBear]

YANBU at all. I am 5 years older, have been with my DP a few years, we have our own house together (mortgaged), both have full time jobs etc, we have a dog and a cat but there is still no way we would be ready to have a baby.

Maybe they will be together forever, but at their/our age the odds are against them. IMO they should be going for weekends away, day trips, enjoying life with no responsibilities - especially if they still live with his parents!

I would not voice your opinion too strongly though for fear of her not talking to you in future.

[Rachie1973]

sandsandthesea
Ive failed then. Thanks so much.

LOL You haven't. It's almost drilled into us these days.... you must have a career! All I EVER wanted was to be a Mum. I had my first at 19 and I loved every single day of it

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

I'm with you OP.

I think people should live a bit, experience a little of the world, establish themselves 8 marriage, a long term home and a career before having children.

But for me it's common sense to want to give your child the very best which you cannot do when you're practically a child yourself.

Sorry if I'm offending a plethora of teen mums on here, but there we go.

[Keepingupwiththejonesys]

Absolutely disgusted with some of these replies. I fell pregnant with my first age 20, a very much planned and wanted child. I'd been with my now dh over 3 years at that point and we felt ready. Both working full time and in a good financial position. Some women simply feel ready to have children sooner than others. I now have 3 children and am 27, wouldn't change my life for the world. We are financially stable and live such a happy life. The thing that really pisses me off on here is how peoples idea of 'having fun' is travelling the world and getting pissed. News flash, that's not everyone's idea of fun. Its said here all the time 'she should be off having fun' ....erm, I'm having lots of fun with my family thanks.

For the op, I'd have a chat with her, maybe go through actual costs that come with having a baby. I'd also encourage her to wait until her and her dp have a place of their own. I'd have hated to be living with mine or dhs parents with a baby. They won't mean to but will likely interfere, how would that make her feel?

[greendale17]

No home of their own, no savings etc.

I would be brutally honestly with her

[Rachie1973]

I think OP runs the risk of alienating daughter if she starts telling her why she shouldn't do it.

[fluffyblanket17]

@LimonViola 12 years ago, baby wasn't planned and we both still lived at home with our parents when I fell pregnant so was easier to save.
I also bought a second house 4 years ago. So not doing bad for a teen mum

I still wouldn't want my kids to have a child at 19, not only would I be a granny before I'm 40, I do feel like I missed out on my teen years, all my friends were going out, parties, weekends away etc, and I was elbows deep in dirty nappies and bills. not that I would change a thing now.

[CheeseOnToastMmm]

I had my first at 20 and have always supported myself! I now have two and I’m 32. Would I change having dd1 so young? Honestly no. Don’t alienate her

[falang]

Having a baby young seems to be quite a fashionable thing at the moment. Teen mum is popular on both sides of Atlantic. Kylie Jenner. A few of the people from reality shows are pregnant/have had babies. Not saying this is why your daughter wants to do it but if she was my daughter I'd be telling her what I think. It's not a good idea.

[Keepingupwiththejonesys]

I just want to point out as well, I've watched so many couples wait until they're in their 30s to have babies and then struggle to conceive. Yes, there's a chance they may have struggled anyway but nobody can deny that your fertility decreases once you hit your 30s, that's a fact. That's not a chance I was willing to take. Having children meant more to me than anything in the world. Your life doesn't end when you have children, it just changes. I also like the fact that I will only be in my 40s once my children are all adults.

[DistanceCall]

I would tell her that perhaps it might be better to wait a couple of years until they get their own place, etc. And to make sure that their relationship is strong.

I would also mention the possibility of them splitting up, and how she would in all likelihood have to bring up the child as a single mother. Which is something she should consider.

[milliemolliemou]

sand clearly some people make a great success of having kids young - just look at Angela Rayner MP who had her daughter at 16. Clare Short was another, though she gave her child up. And many hundreds of others who have happy, decent and loving families which last.

However, it is more difficult to establish a family now with the rise in house prices and rentals, the reduction in Sure Start and huge nursery costs. Especially in big cities and down South and the GIG economy going full blast.

Are your DD and her boyfriend people you can sit down and talk with? are his grandparents on board with the idea of a baby in the house indefinitely? would/could you take the family of three in? If not outing, what jobs do DD/BF do?

You could just ask as well why she and he want a baby now. And gently ask if they've discussed finances and whether they could live on his salary if she wants to be a SAHM. I know plenty of young couples who juggle handling childcare between them - but they hardly see each other and it's a problem if one of them's ill. Are they relying on GPs and are GPs on board?

You can only ask ....

[SunwheretheFareyou]

I also disagree that she will have nothing to offer the baby!! Strange! She may be the world's best most devoted natural mother!


Tricky one op. I would want dc to really live before children and have loads of traveling and experiences.. Has your dd got any interest in traveling?

The problem is no one can prepare you for motherhood or seeing how's grueling it can be until your in it..

[LanaorAna2]

Marriage first. Oh, and maybe a roof over the baby's head, if not the parents', might be an idea.

[HippityHoppityWho]

Be honest sure, but I wouldn't obviously try to persuade her not to as she might push you away or it may push her to want to more.

I was 24 when I had my first child and I would have had her earlier if I hadn't gone to uni. No regrets here, except I wish I'd travelled a bit first as that's now something in a dark distance future for us, ha.

[HippityHoppityWho]

She is being massively silly wanting a baby without a roof over her head though, that would be what would annoy me.

[Deshasafraisy]

I think you need to say that they need to sort a home before they have a child.

[PerfectlyDone]

On a purely practical level, there is nothing you can do to 'discourage' anybody from trying for a baby if they want to.

What you need to consider is what kind of relationship you want to have with your DD going forward? A nice friendly one, supportive of her, or one of discord and strife because your expressing an opinion will be seen as interference of the highest order.
I don't disagree with your concerns but I remember being 19 and Knowing Everything About Life

I had my DCs very late in life, I know very young parents, and all ages in between - IME and IMO there is not 'right' time in life to have children. There are better and worse circumstances, yes, and asking her to think things though may be valuable, but 'discourage'? No. Bite you tongue. Ultimately, it's not up to you.