To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

[Bambamber]

Planning a baby while living in your bfs parents isn't exactly ideal no matter what age you are. I would try and have a gentle chat with her, but you don't want to sound too pushy or she may think you're interfering which may just push her away

[Ragwort]

YANBU - I would be horrified if my child wanted to start a family at 19/20 - yes, I know that is not a popular view on Mumsnet but I am being honest.

There is so much more she could be doing with her life ..... can you encourage her to study, train for a different job, travel, ditch the boyfriend ............... just enjoy her teenage & twenties years.

[DairyisClosed]

They aren't married and are living with his patents. They are in no position to have a baby. Age is irrelevant when you don't have the means to provide for a child.

[Juells]

Living with his parents?!?! So they don't even have their own place... There's a rocky road ahead if she has a baby now while living in someone else's house.

[Ragwort]

if she and DP think they'd just like to get having kids out of the way early

Does anyone else just hate the expression to get having kids out of the way - I think that is a terrible view, having children is a lifelong commitment not just something to be 'ticked off a to do list' .

[DairyisClosed]

@ragwort I start having children at 19. I am also studying law in a Russel group. Thoroughly enjoying my life with my v loving husband and children. Lots of travel, lovely family days out on the weekend. Comfortable life in general. Much better than being alone and a poor student living in digs.

[fluffyblanket17]

Why are people saying a 19 year old has nothing to offer I was 18 when I had my first son, I also bought my first home and always worked, my kids have never ever gone without anything.

That being said, I wouldn't be happy if mine planned on children that young, but only because I want them to live their lives first, going on holiday and enjoying time with friends whilst their still young.

[LemonysSnicket]

3 years in a teenage relationship? Wow soooooo secure.

[LimonViola]

Is she at least saying they will be moving into their own place before trying for a baby?

The very fact she's thinking of trying to get pregnant when they're not even out from underneath his parents' wings says all that needs to be said about her maturity tbh.

Be straight with her, but acknowledge she will make her own decision. But make sure you make it crystal clear you won't be swooping in with money, childcare, or a roof for her and baby if it doesn't work out with her boyfriend. So many young parents seem to assume their own parents will help them with a baby, who maybe wouldn't have had a child if they'd realised it means being an adult enough to raise a child without relying on others.

Make sure she's under no illusions.

[DairyisClosed]

As for getting them out of the way early it is a question of timing. Better to do the hardest years changing nappies, Bradenham, not sleeping etc. before being your career.

[summercat]

What are you going to be honest about? I mean I think it’s a terrible idea to begin adult life with having children. What does a 19 year old have to offer a baby? She’s still a kid, herself. Would she be willing to get married to dp, if only for legal benefits? And how will she support the child?

This. ^

YANBU OP. No WAY should a 19 y.o. be having kids. Not in this day and age.

[Member984815]

I had a baby at 18 I'm still with my baby's father 18 years later married have 2 other kids also . We would have stayed together regardless but I wouldn't recommend it it was bloody hard work and forced us into buying a house at 20 when we could have been traveling and gaining experience in other areas of life. I love my life as it is but I'd seriously think long and hard about it . I'd definitely recommend not living with either set of parents with a baby

[LimonViola]

fluffyblanket17 how did you afford a mortgage at eighteen?

Can't believe people who describe it as 'getting kids out of the way', tbh. Awful attitude. Imagine growing up and realising your own parents said that about having you.

[BoxsetsAndPopcorn]

I would be horrified if my child wanted to start a family at 19/20 - yes, I know that is not a popular view on Mumsnet but I am being honest

Me too. At that age I want them to be carefree, studying for their chosen career and hopefully having fun, travelling etc before they settle into their careers and find a partner and begin their journey together.

I'd have failed if all they wanted was a child yet had nothing to offer as wanting to be a parent isn't enough.

[LimonViola]

I know some PP don't like the idea of 'what does she have to offer a baby?' but I admit I haven't heard it phrased like that before and I really like it. It forces you to consider what you can offer a child instead of just what the child can offer you. Whether you can afford, emotionally and financially and practically, to give a child the start in life they deserve.

[Justwaitingforaline]

I fell pregnant at 19, had DD at 20. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy though ( coil mishap). My then partner and I were living together, both worked etc but my god, it was the hardest year of my life and the relationship broke down, leaving me a single mother for a year until I met my husband. I wouldn’t change having DD for the world but would I have planned to have one at 20? Lord no.

I also think she wants a baby, not a child. The baby stage is such a tiny part of a life and I don’t think some people realise what they’ve signed up for when they jump into getting pregnant.

[Moominfan]

Not what anyone would want but unsolicited advice isn't going to help. If she asks by all means be brutally honest

[redfairy]

I think if they have a home of their own and jobs then it's fine but if they can't do it without being dependent on parents then now is not the time. Of course I got pregnant at 18 whilst living at my grans so this is hindsight talking. It's no fun struggling no matter how romantic it seems to have a baby with your boyfriend.

[upsideup]

At nineteen, realistically she has nothing to offer a child. Any relationship is unlikely to last, she can't have a steady career behind her, no savings very likely and no stability of owning her own home. Does she even have the finances to support a child or will be turn to other taxpayers to fund this want?

Realistically most of the 30 year old mothers I know had children in a relationship that didnt last 5 years, have no steady career behind them, no savings and have no stability of owining home and rely on taxpayers to fund their child. Its a bit harsh to say they have nothing to offer their child though, this is literally over half of the mothers near me.

[LimonViola]

I'd have failed if all they wanted was a child yet had nothing to offer as wanting to be a parent isn't enough.

👍🏻

My mother would have kicked me out if I'd gotten pregnant at nineteen and refused a termination (I moved out at nineteen but that goes for any point before leaving home). I knew that growing up in my teenage years, and I respected her for it. Her attitude was 'if you want to throw your life away I can't stop you but you can stand on your own two feet while you do it!' which is what made me recommend to OP she makes sure her daughter doesn't mistakenly believe she can have a child part raised by her and part by OP/her boyfriend's parents.

[Notevilstepmother]

I think there are advantages and disadvantages of having a baby at 20. It fine to discuss where they will live and what she plans, and, I’d agree she would be wise to consider marriage and finances.

[TonTonMacoute]

Well, if I was her DPs mum I would definitely be discouraging them!

Tell her how much having a child costs and ask them how they will afford it. YADNBU

[sandsandthesea]

Ive failed then. Thanks so much.

[fluffyblanket17]

@LimonViola I worked and saved, so did my then boyfriend. It was definitely easier to buy a house then though.

[Kpo58]

Maybe you should sit down and get her to cost it out (as they could get thrown out of bf parents home at any point)

Costs such as:
Rent & deposit
Other household bills
Furniture/white goods
Food
Nursery costs
Baby clothes
Cot/Pram/etc
Formula (encase she cannot bf)
Savings for child
Savings for house
Etc