To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

I had children in my mid twenties when secure but still fairly young compared to friends who are now starting families mid thirties. I often trot out the “glad I got it out the way early” line which offended a few posters upthread .

I look at pregnant friends and know the long path they have ahead of them dealing with babies, toddlers, feeding, sleepless nights, tantrums etc whereas my own older children are fairly independent now and great fun.

It’s not saying that you don’t appreciate your children, just being grateful that the hard slog of little kids (and it is hard - no matter how much you love them nobody can deny the bags of domestic drudgery involved) is done.

Curious: to the mums that had their children in their late teens/ early twenties, would you want your children to have children as early? (I’m actually asking as interested)

I had DD at 19. I'd want DD to have a baby whenever she feels ready. If that's 19, great - we'll support her every step of the way. If that's when she's 40, great. If that's never, great. As long as she's happy and feels ready.

Does she want a baby or does she want to be a parent? Ask her that.

Does she understand what it means to be a parent? Do her and her partner live together, does her parner also want to be a parent? Are they financially stable? Have they talked about parenting styles and are they on the same page?

They're young and in love, it's understandable that she 'wants' a baby and her body is at it's prime biologically speaking BUT they need to consider everything having a baby entails first. Properly. Are they really ready? Are they really able?

Id be worried a teenager wanting a baby had a void in their life they wanted to fill. A baby is a terrible way to fill it though.

Has she any female friends she could socialise with?

i’d never try to dissuade someone from having kids young. Have the DC in your early 20s, then start your career in your 30s when they start secondary school, and carry on right through without having to take a break

^So who pays for your kids until you start work then???

They don't have their own home. They have no savings. They are not married. She would be out on her arse if the relationship foundered.

This is a no brainer.

Who is driving this, DD or the boyfriend?

Do the pair of them think his mother will be able and willing to do a lot of babycare?

@immortalmarble I really hope you're not taking offence at my opinion at all. It's an open thread to talk about this. Once the baby is here if they get sad, fat or mad of course I'd stand by them but it is something to be avoided in my own personal opinion. Looking back at my life I really could not have done the things I did had I had a baby to consider. I get that it would have been a different life - not necessarily a bad one but at 19 it was remarkable to manage to get out of bed in the morning to make it to an afternoon lecture. I could bet house on me not wanting to have been up all night with a grisly baby BFeeding and rocking them back to sleep.

I think it depends on your daughter and her partner's expectations. If they intend for your daughter to become a stay at home mum and can afford to move out and support a child (or two) on the partner's salary then it may well be for the best to have kids now (if that's what they want and don't have any desire to travel/go on nights out/save up for own property).

It's all very well for people to say your daughter is better off waiting until late twenties etc but it dependS a lot on whether she wants to be a sahm and her partner's and her own potential income. If her partner is likely to be significantly well off by his early 30s and she wants to sahm then yes better to wait, or if she wants to combine work with the early years of motherhood and she will likely earn a lot by late 20s (and/or have childcare support from family) then again yes better to wait. But frankly if it's more likely that they'll be low/medium earners then I can see the sense in her having kids now. She can stay at home or continue to work weekends and perhaps study for a qualification that will lead to a future career. By the time her kids are teens she'll be early 30s and still have time to pursue a career.

I think it's just best not to judge too soon and find out what her expectations are (and perhaps give a reality check if needed).

No, not at all vlad

I would never recommend my path to anyone, for what it’s worth. Ever.

But I do think the rigidity of many approaches encouraged here would have the opposite effect to the desired one.

@immortalmarble What's your position on it? Having gone through it and come out the other side what would you want for your own dc or generally what's your take on it if you don't mind sharing?

I had my children early, at 22, and if asked I would categorically say wait until you’re a bit older.

I have a daughter and I say to her that you should ‘go to lots of places and do lots of things’ before you have a baby.

I love my children more than anything but I do wish I’d lived a bit more of life when I was the most important person in my life.

I had a kid at 16 and I'm not much older now. Not much you can do but if they're still living with parents it's a super irresponsible and selfish thing to do. Tell her she can have a kid whenever she wants but only when she's self reliant. How can she support a kid if she can't support herself? You'll end up supporting her a lot probably. I got pregnant completely by accident when I was 15 and it's been really really hard. I wasn't with the guy and I wasn't living at home but I came back for a while and although I don't regret having my baby I feel selfish for putting that extra burden on my parents shoulders. I.E. having to make sure we had stability when they'd just thought they'd become free to travel etc... I wouldn't change my life for anything but it's really really fucking hard. I'm a single mum (which is always a possibility even a likelihood probably more so with young people) and I don't have much support and she might think her friends will support her but everything changes when you have a baby and their interests will be totally totally different as will the interests of most of the people she meets at baby groups who will probably be much older and on a completely different page to her too (this is how I feel). It will make her life so much harder. I don't eat (let alone so the washing, washing up, mopping, hoovering, bathroom cleaning general tidying, baby mess wiping etc...) sometimes until my baby has gone to bed because if I put her down she cries and she doesn't really nap. She wakes up all through the night so I never complete a sleep cycle and find it really really hard just to function. And whether or not she thinks she will- she WILL think of the things she wishes she had done before having a baby (for me travelling solo, and experimenting more with everything- substances which I wouldn't dream of now, sexuality, sex in general and partners and more education and career experiences and going out and generally not caring where I was going to end up for the night...etc...) It is so so incredibly hard. You can't stop her but maybe you should get her to set an alarm every hour and make her wake up properly for half an hour each time all day and night (no sleeping in the day) and make her do everything for herself on top of that (while imagining doing it all with a crying baby in arms) and maybe she'll get a fraction of a clue (not that you can ever imagine how hard and tedious it is until you actually do become a parent). I'd just say not under my roof. It's very selfish to want a baby while not being independent because you'll be relying on other people who you're giving no say in the decision. Tell her everything she want to do will be unimaginably harder for her and make her look at the cost of childcare too. Unless that's her only aim in life I'd definitely encourage her to wait. Maybe show her my post! It's fucking shit hard! I'm not going to give you all the good points and say I love it because although I do...that's not the point of this. This point of this is that I would never do it on purpose and think others should think long and hard about how what they're doing will impact their lives and others. Best wishes x

Also maybe show her some videos of birth and pregnant people talking about how they feel. Being pregnant had a big hormonal impact on my mental (and physical) health. And my birth was something I wouldn't wish on anyone ever. Unimaginable pain with an unimaginable amount of stitches and permanent problems. A horrible one being anal fissures. It's a really big thing to put yourself through.

Quite lot of people on here had a mortgage at 17-20 years old.

That would have been my idea of hell at that age.

Having kids AND being tied down with a mortgage.

No thanks. In my late teens, I was too busy enjoying my life, and partying, and going on holidays with my friends, and being excited about not knowing what I'd be doing this time next year.

In my opinion, there's more to life than tying yourself down (with kids and a mortgage,) when you are barely out of your childhood.

Like a few other posters, I am amazed that people even managed to GET a mortgage in their teens!

I am sure I will be accused of 'judging,' but if you're happy with your life choices, why are you offended by what others say or think? Why do you care what other people think?

Vlad hmm it’s a hard question in some ways but a very good one.

DS has special needs and that’s all a big worry in itself. My daughter is sensible.

I suppose my path through life isn’t what I’d want for them; it wasn’t what I wanted for me, being brutally honest, but I got lovely children from it and I do love them so so much, more than I ever thought it was possible to love anything. I can never regret that.

I think the main thing I want my children to know is that sometimes we do make mistakes and arse up and sometimes those mistakes can have an enormous and significant life altering impact, but I know my arse up would have been softened considerably if my own mum had stood by me and hadn’t stopped loving me. That meant I was pushed even closer to my then boyfriend and his family which was why we had the second baby at such a young age.

I suppose what I am saying is my children may arse up but I’ll be by their side if they do

“At 19 she basically has nothing to offer the child”. Wow I am shocked at the sheer snobbery on this thread.

I’m 20 and pregnant with my first (not planned). Yes, I’m broke. Since when does money mean more than love? I have enough to get by. I have no health problems and an abundance of energy, which older mums doesn’t always have. I will soon have my degree too.

Having a baby doesn’t mean she will regret it. It really depends on why she wants a baby. Some people crave their own family, and crave them at a young age.

* Curious: to the mums that had their children in their late teens/ early twenties, would you want your children to have children as early? (I’m actually asking as interested) - I would encourage my kids to live freely and without worries first and I would feel a bit sorry for them and the loss of 'young person-ness' I know they'd feel just as I did but ultimately if they were completely independent I'd be happy for them. But I'd think it was out of order if they expected anything from me (ie. time- childcare..., money, accommodation). Support is a luxury and shouldn't be expected. (I would of course support them as much as I could though). If it was by mistake I would definitely support whatever they'd want to do. Ultimately it's their life and up to them what they do with it once not reliant on me* and I'd be happy to be blessed with grandkids whenever.

@Angharad07 you won't have an abundance of energy once the babe comes along! But I know you'll love and enjoy it. I'm a young mum and I feel like I have a lot less energy than others around me and much less life and living experience than them (as well as never having the time to do anything) so I find things so hard. But yes of course mums of all ages can be fabulous mums. But I'm not going to underplay how incredibly fucking hard it is and you will find that too. Love and luck your way.

Edited: Curious: to the mums that had their children in their late teens/ early twenties, would you want your children to have children as early? (I’m actually asking as interested) - I would encourage my kids to live freely and without worries first and I would feel a bit sorry for them and the loss of 'young person-ness' I know they'd feel just as I did but ultimately if they were completely independent I'd be happy for them. But I'd think it was out of order if they expected anything from me (ie. time- childcare..., money, accommodation). Support is a luxury and shouldn't be expected. (I would of course support them as much as I could though). If it was by mistake I would definitely support whatever they'd want to do. Ultimately it's their life and up to them what they do with it once not reliant on me and I'd be happy to be blessed with grandkids whenever.

One of my friends said you know when we were at nightclubs til 3 in the morning then just just straight up and went to work- that's when biologically we should've been having kids. We all had children in our 30s.When I thought about myself at 19 if I fell pregnant I would've stepped up I was pretty mature- but I would've missed out on so much... not just the partying and holidays but that all our friends are having children at the same time and they are growing up together. Try and focus on - see how you feel once you've got your own place etc. Financially it'll bring a lot of hard ship having children so young- especially with young assuming still working grandparents- as most people I know get some childcare support from retired grandparents.

So who supports you, who pays for you and your dc, while you’re having your dc until you start working at 35???

Your partner? This isn't a thread about the joys of single-parenthood, but young parenthood. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume there might be a bloke around the place, considering you're pregnant and everything.

Since when does money mean more than love

Because the stupid saying that all a baby needs is love is rubbish. A child needs food, warmth, home, stability, clothing, opportunities etc. Love doesn't magic them up.

Energy also doesn't have much to do with it. You can be as energetic as you like but it doesn't make you an automatic great parent

Thanks you so much @bobingit ! I assumed that my time and energy will be all consumed when I have the babi.

My mum was 36 having me and reccomended having children in my mid twenties as she had much more energy with my sister in her 20s.

I would have planned to have children aged 24/25 anyway (if in the right position) but I’m going to make the most of my situation and just try to enjoy the idea of my babi.

I would also have wished to move in with my boyfriend first (we live separately but have lived in a flat share together before). I’d suggest that OP encourages her DD to do the same before trying. It’s so stressful not knowing when we’re going to move in, but at least I’m still in the 1st trimester.

Anyway, not everyone feels like they have missed out by not partying and travelling. I’ve managed to do a little already, and while it’s great, it does’t reflect my wants and needs.

@immortalmarble You sound eminently reasonable and sound of mind! I reckon your dc met a good match with you. I don't think I could have dealt with that at 19yo old or even in my later 20s.

@boxsetsandpopcorn

Don’t be rude. I didn’t say all the baby needs is love. I said I have enough to get by. Whether the baby gets a £1,000 pram is another thing, but I’m sure babies don’t suffer because you can’t afford the top end stuff 🙄