To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

[xoguineas]

I fell pregnant young, whilst working part time, at uni and still living with my parents. Worked out fine for me, just because we're young doesn't mean we've got nothing to offer a baby. My boyfriend and I moved in together before baby arrived and cope perfectly fine with all these 'grown up' responsibilities. We can still do everything we want to do with a baby/child eg travelling, why wouldn't we want to give her new experiences and enjoy life as a family? Anything I ever wanted to do we can do together and I'm thrilled I'll get to share it all with LO. Still on track for a first class degree and got a fab future ahead for us as a family. Age doesn't mean a thing! It's hard of course, but no way would I change a thing. As PP have said there's of course a huge difference between having a 'baby' and having a child, but being a young mum doesn't make you any less capable of being a great mum and raising a happy, healthy and fulfilled child.

[kyrenialady]

I got pregnant 19 and had my first at 20.

However, I was working full time and owned my own home.

We did struggle financially at first so it would be good to tell her exactly what it costs.

Nothing wrong with young parents, but you do have to be prepared what you are letting yourself in for.

Glad I had the children young though.

[Ragwort]

The likelihood is that women who are using Mumsnet and have had their families young are probably happy, financially secure and settled and have made a good 'choice'.

Women like a relative of mine who has had three unplanned pregnancies by three different fathers, social service involvement, one child being fostered etc etc are not going to be posting here on Mumsnet about how it so lovely to have a child when you are 19. .

And yes, I am judging.

[Notevilstepmother]

That’s not the same as someone in a 3 year relationship planning a baby.

Op you haven’t failed. Some people are so rude.

[viques]

If she and her partner think they are in it for the long haul then they should wait until they have more to offer a baby than love. Things like a home, some financial and legal security, maturity, physical comfort . they have plenty of time to have a baby, and to end up enjoying having a baby without scrabbling about for pennies, living in a cramped dump, not having career prospects .

Babies deserve the best their parents can do for them.

[specialsubject]

three year relationship starting at 16? if they are still together in 3 years, running their own home, then get married ( 20 mins, £200 or so) and go for it like adults.

[SaucyJack]

YANBU.

Point out that they need to get a home of their own, and learn how to look after themselves first before they think about bringing a child into the equation.

[BennyTheBall]

I too would be brutally honest.

Way too young, not much life experience and in a relationship more than likely to not last. 3 years into a teenage relationship - the odds are stacked against them. Financially, emotionally immature and living with his parents? Come on. They would be missing out on so much.

I'd be absolutely devastated if mine became parents at this age.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I definitely would do the same as you. She needs to be an independant adult first. It’s one thing to return to a parents home due to job loss, prolonged illness etc. It’s another to start a family without having made a start in life.

[liveinthemo]

Some outright CF here!!!! I am raging reading the comments. Judgemental horrible people. I'm 20, expecting my first child, I work, have my own house and no I have not had any help from my parents. Me and OH are extremely happy and feel ready. I WILL be a good mother to my child. I am not irresponsible or 'throwing my life away'.. I cannot wait to be a mum. And if my DM felt she had 'failed' as a parent because I am having a child at this age I would be extremely upset.

What I would say is that she should consider finding her own place to live first. As i believe she would find it difficult in her DP parents house with a new baby. I think she would appreciate having her own privacy. You have not failed as a parent if she decides to have her own child at 19/20. If she feels ready, financially stable and in a steady relationship then I don't see why not.

[immortalmarble]

Usual lovely stereotypes about young parents, I see!

I was under 18 when I had both mine.

Judge away. I really, really love them.

[Quorafun]

I think you have to start with your expectations of what you want your dc to do in life when they are young. So for example, I think if you want your children to be married before having kids, then you need to drum that into them from the age of 3!. But, and this is the important bit, you have to let them make their own decisions and support them through it when they are older and it matters substantially more.
If the OP's dd wants a child at 19, and asks for advice about it, then I feel she can safely be discouraged, but if she tells op that she is pregnant, then she should be supported. my tuppence worth.

[gizmosslave]

I’m 19. Own a house, have 2 jobs, been with dp for 4 years, he works full time too, we have 2 cats, a dog and a 8 month old. Don’t be so judgemental. You have no idea on a persons circumstances.

[RainyDaysSplash]

I fell pregnant at 19, had my first at 20.

Not something I would advise, but certainly not the end of the world. I was self-employed at the time, which I still am now, and have made a success of it. We live independently, and whilst I am no longer with my first child's father, we are very happy and comfortable.

As I said, I certainly wouldn't advise it. But saying a 19 year old has nothing to offer a baby is very insulting.

[Queenofthestress]

I had ds at 18, I was lucky with very supportive family and friends, and even then it was Damn hard

[kyrenialady]

Just wanted add, there is a lot of nasty replies on this thread from other mothers.

Just because people are older does not make them better parents.

[TheHonGalahadThreepwood]

It's not the fact that she's 19 that's the problem. It's that she's planning a baby without considering the need for a house to bring it up in. Living with your boyfriend's parents is not a sustainable solution, and is likely to put enormous strain on her relationship with the boyfriend after the baby is there (not to mention on the parents!). ¨

If she were 19, married, and living in a rented or owned house or flat with her husband then that would be very different. Obviously if she had become pregnant accidentally then that would also be different and you just have to do the best you can in tricky circumstances. But to actively plan a baby in her circumstances without actually planning for it seems mad.

[immortalmarble]

I didn’t have a supportive family or friends Queen

We survived, we pushed through, we managed.

[TonTonMacoute]

Judgemental horrible people. I'm 20, expecting my first child, I work, have my own house and no I have not had any help from my parents.

Actually, you are being rather judgemental here yourself. Your age might be the same, but your situation is very different from OPs daughter.

In addition, with all due respect, you have not actually had your baby yet, so you cannot possibly say how hard or straightforward it is going to be. Most of the posters here have experienced child rearing at first hand, and are offering advice based on that experience.

Pointing out the pitfalls is not necessarily a criticism or judgement of other people. Of course many people successfully raise children at 19, but many do not.

[DragonMummy1418]

One of my oldest friends had her DS at 18, he is a teen now and she is an amazing mum, he is a lovely young man in the making and is an absolute credit to her. Life has been very difficult for her though.

I was way too immature at 19 to have had a kid, I'm not sure I'm mature enough now in my 30's! 😂

I'm not sure many 19 year olds would cope that well with the reality of it.
Especially as she isn't financially independent.

[dementedma]

i have advised my dd's not to have kids. i would rather they had a life, a career, travelled, had fun. All the things I missed out on.
they are now both in the their mid 20's and so far, I haven't had the dreaded call that I'm going to be a granny. bleurgh...can't think of anything worse.

[immortalmarble]

Ever, demented, or just only at an age you deem acceptable?

These posts are another world to me. I would not want my DD to go down the route I went down: it wasn’t planned and of course I’ve missed out on a lot although what may surprise some is that I haven’t missed out in terms of a “wild, misspent youth.” Rather, I have missed out on having a family with secure finances and a supportive partner.

But this idea that there is nothing more horrifying than an adult woman having a child is bizarre at best.

[expatinscotland]

'. i would rather they had a life, a career, travelled, had fun. All the things I missed out on.'

And if they don't want that? Some people don't care for travel or going out.

'and so far, I haven't had the dreaded call that I'm going to be a granny. bleurgh...can't think of anything worse.'

Wow.

[Bluelady]

My son was born when I was 21. It was brilliant being a young mum. My body was perfect for the job, my labour was easy and I had loads of energy to run round after him.

The time it was particularly good was when he was a teenager, I didn't have to deal with his rollercoaster emotions in the middle of the menopause and he was grown up when I was 40.

Obviously it depends on the person but it's not doom and gloom for everyone.