To discourage Dd from having a baby

[sandsandthesea]

She is 19 and wants to start a family. Aibu to be honest with her? She’s been with her dp since they were 16.

[Janetizzy30]

I had a child at 19 (just) I don't regret having him, but my choice of partner and would have liked to be financially stable and a bit more mature, but I ended up with 2 more within 2 years after, and struggled for a long time, as I became a single mum. I'm now with my dh and another child, and in a much better position, financially, emotionally and am in a stable setting. Yanbu

[mypickleliesovertheocean]

MN women who had 3 children by 20, reached the top of their career ladder, remained in a secure and haply relationship with their childhood sweetheart and now live in relative luxury and the exception, not the rule

It isn't one or the other. The majority of us are in the middle ground - working or stay at home parents, renting - usually private, sometimes council - , might have two or three kids but usually sticking at one for the time being, still with their child's father - whether married or not - or managing life as a single parent.

Like parents of every other age, funnily enough.

[immortalmarble]

Count, I have lived in poverty albeit of a first world nature. I bought a house when I was 25 but it was tiny and I had to sleep in the lounge. My job is now fairly well paid but that’s relatively recent and besides it’s still just my income. I haven’t been near a relationship since ditching my ex circa 2001.

I wouldn’t recommend my route into parenthood to anyone.

I’d do it all again tomorrow for my children.

[Gennz18]

While I wouldn't choose to have a child young of course I can see why some people do. Not everyone wants to travel the world or go to university or is very career focused. (Plus as a 7 months preg 36 y.o mother of a toddler I can definitely see the advantage of having babies while you have youthful energy.)

Even if you are none of the above though, planning to have a child at 19 with your high school boyfriend while you're living with his parents is an objectively bad idea.

Oh and p.s. I can assure you that judgment isn't reserved for younger mothers. Everyone has a view on when women choose to reproduce, whether it's 20 or 40...

[C0untDucku1a]

What a strange ‘observation’. A huge amount has changed with regards to young parents. For a start, they wont have their babies removed by nuns. And they’ll receive financial help to ensure they’re not living in poverty.

A huge amount of help is now available to young parents.

What posters in the thread have said is that there should be more to life than having a child. The vast, vast majority of these young women will now end up as single parents, stuck in cycle not being able to progress in a career than supports them, becoming school statistics as Pupil Premium, etc...

MN women who had 3 children by 20, reached the top of their career ladder, remained in a secure and haply relationship with their childhood sweetheart and now live in relative luxury and the exception, not the rule.

[LarryFreakinStylinson]

What a thoroughly depressing thread that shows nothing has changed with respect to attitudes towards young parents.

[AppleFlapjack]

kubex what an odd and judgemental comment.

A child isn't prison, life takes a different path sure but to say ruined is ridiculous. I had already been in my job for 3 years by 19, took a years maternity then returned to work and am now at Uni doing something I only thought about because of having my children they have given me much more meaning and purpose than spending my 20s drinking and hungover.

[BlancheM]

I had my first at 19 and 'worked my way up the career ladder' nonetheless. I couldn't imagine starting my family in my thirties- I like my sleep too much these days. Different strokes for different folks.

[kubex]

Having a baby at 19 is fucking stupid!

Teens and 20's are all about discovering who you are as a person and what it is you want from life - not screaming babies and shitty nappies!!

So many lives are ruined by having children too young.

[KERALA1]

God willing women now living to 80 plus. Choosing to have a baby at 19 is, imo, madness, and nothing will change my mind in that. The very few people I know that have done it (through accident not choice) it has seriously stunted their lives.

[BeQuietAndEatYourGreens]

This was me once upon a time - 19 and desperate for a baby. I was realistic though about the fact that my circumstances weren't ideal for this yet. What I did instead was take a job as a live-in nanny. That was a great solution and quickly sorted those urges out.

[flamingofridays]

I didn't feel I was rushing to be honest. I can assure you I won't be worrying about my 40 year old sons marriage. I will be sunning myself somewhere!

[KERALA1]

Not saying it ends your life or young parents can't be decent parents. But come on once you have kids you just can't replicate the headspace freedom you have as a childfree young adult you just can't. My parents and their friends in their seventies are still fretting over 40 something "children" if they're unhappy, getting divorced etc. Why not have some years just for yourself? Why the rush? 19?!?!

[immortalmarble]

Not really implying it! Just coming right out and saying it

[flamingofridays]

Nobody said it doesn't change your life. It just doesn't end it.

No it's not the same but its certainly not worse. And it's hard not to be defensive when people are implying your age means you must have nothing to offer a child.

[C0untDucku1a]

maybe i just dont think it changes your life for the worse

I think that depends on your expectations and life so far tbh. At 19 teenagers should be beginning a career or be at university. Wanting to start a family at that time affects the chances of each of those things. It makes it harder to study For a degree / vocational qualifications and also to put the time into advancing on the career path of choice.

To choose to have a child as a teenager, whe you simply cannot provide a decent standard of living for that, is purely to fill a void in the life of the adult. There are better ways to do that than have a child you cannot support.

If you cannot offer a child a stable home, what exactly worthwhile are you offering?

[LarryFreakinStylinson]

Maybe I just don’t think it changes your life for the worse 🤷🏼‍♀️

And also don’t think that just because you’re young you have nothing to offer a child.

[AlonsosLeftPinky]

If you think having children doesn't change your life in a momentous way then you're a fool.

Child free people don't have to plan their lives with military precision. They don't have to consider childcare, fitting their lives around the plans of school, clubs etc. Yes, you can travel and go places and do things with children but it isn't the same.

I personally don't understand why anyone would want to sacrifice the few years we tend to get being carefree and putting ourselves first.

And with age comes wisdom. That is where children benefit.

[Gennz18]

some weirdly defensive posts here. Of course you can travel with kids, even haggard 36 year old crones like me with dessicated wombs realise that. In fact we've travelled NZ- Europe twice with DS (3) and will be doing it again in September with a 12 week old. But it's very very different to the travelling I did in my 20s. Not worse but different - luckily for me it wasn't an either/or proposition.

It's not a binary choice. Most posts have been re the OP's DD's specific circumstances which are less than ideal. Why as a mother would you not offer a bit of tactful guidance? Isn't that our jobs as parents?!

[LarryFreakinStylinson]

Well maybe my experience of motherhood is rare after all because I certainly don’t feel as though I gave up ‘everything’ when I had children. Perhaps that’s only how it feels when you have them in your 30’s and 40’s when you’ve had no one to please but yourself for a significant period of time and all of a sudden you need to consider someone else. My children have enhanced my life, they’ve brought me worries and concerns sure but they’ve brought me immeasurable joy and pride and I love showing them things and taking them places I enjoy. I still have my freedom because I have a partner who is an equal parent. How awful for your children to grow up thinking that in order to have children themselves they must be prepared to sacrifice everything that’s good in their life.

[Keepingupwiththejonesys]

If anyone says anything negative about older mums on here you get lynched. Even though its a fact that fertility decreases as you age and you are a lot more likely to get unwell as you age. Apparently its fine to bad mouth younger mums though.. Even when they've chosen to have children young and are stable and in a financial position to do that. Im really glad I'll be in my 40s when all mine are adults, I'd absolutely hate to be that age with babies or young children

[flamingofridays]

What's she giving up?!

Everything. Freedom. And peace of mind. Once you have a child they come first - always. I want my daughters to have the privelege of putting themselves first for those precious years when you are energetic and gorgeous

Well that is just depressing. I'm glad i don't feel this way must be a miserable existence!

I personally feel I have freedom and peace of mind! I still occasionally put myself first too shock horror!! There can be a balance when you have kids it doesn't have to be the end of your life like this thread woild have you believe.

[Keepingupwiththejonesys]

Just want to add I don't have an abundance of help. My sister has my kids overnight for Me once, maybe twice a year. My parents and a couple other people can help when I really need it like an hour here or there for appointments, not always though. I don't mind, I enjoy doing things with my kids and don't feel I regularly need a 'break' from them like some people.

[Scarlet1234]

As others have said it all depends on circumstances. If she's got the money to spend her twenties travelling around the world, going to nice restaurants/pubs/clubs, buying nice clothes/gadgets etc (and interest in doing so) then yes waiting would make sense. But not all twenty somethings have those opportunities. If you've moved out then most of your money in twenties will be going on living costs anyway. I hate to say it but if this couple are low earners (but working) they'll probably be no worse off financially having kids due to tax credits.

[Lloyd45]

You can travel with your children, we had a world trip when my son was 6, it was amazing the best thing I've ever done