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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

253 replies

ballerini · 31/03/2018 01:01

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

OP posts:
pinkbraces · 31/03/2018 01:03

Really, is it such a big deal? If so, why?

Merryoldgoat · 31/03/2018 01:05

He just got excited and told someone! I think you’re making too much of it.

Sunshineboo · 31/03/2018 01:05

Congratulations on your news. Try to think from do perspective - may he need support? Maybe he is excited?

Gemini69 · 31/03/2018 01:07

you're less than 12 weeks so completely understand Flowers

your husband was likely bursting with excitement... and had to tell someone.. it's his news too Flowers

Redglitter · 31/03/2018 01:08

It's only a week early does it really matter. He was probably just dying to share the news. Let it go & enjoy telling everyone else next week

Original poster
ballerini · 31/03/2018 01:09

It is a big deal for me, but the fact we agreed not to say and then he told his friend is what has hurt me!
I don't want people to know before the scan because that's when you are likely to find out about any problems or a missed miscarriage etc.
It is common not to tell people before the scan and tests in case you have to make a difficult decision re any health problems etc.

OP posts:
PinkAvocado · 31/03/2018 01:13

Lots of people don’t say before the scan but lots also do. I told close friends so that if something went wrong before 12 weeks, I could call on them for support. My husband and I didn’t tell people generally but he understood why I told a few. It’s also exciting and he may just have really wanted to share that with someone he trusts. Ok so you agreed together not to but I don’t think you should berate him for this.

AppleCocoon · 31/03/2018 01:16

My husband and I agreed that we weren’t going to tell anyone before 12 weeks. I was the one pushing to keep it quiet. So far, I have told 4 people. 3 were agreed exceptions and 1 was an ‘i’m so excited, I can’t keep my mouth shut. DH completely understood.

Why does you DH need to suffer consequences?

PinkAvocado · 31/03/2018 01:25

‘He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes’

Maybe he went along with your wishes but wanted to tell some people and compromised on just telling one person. He wanted to, you didn’t. You could now say calmly that you would really rather he didn’t tell anyone else for a week or so and then leave it.

Jenny70 · 31/03/2018 01:29

I would be cross if my DH blurted it out to someone when we hadn't told family or close friends... but I wouldn't be devastated. It's only a week, then hopefully all will be well and you'll be spreading the news the way you want to.

Don't forget this is his baby too, and having him involved/excited is a blessing, many men can't relate to the idea of pregnancy until there is a huge bump and a nursery set up and it dawns on them they are going to be a father...

Eveforever · 31/03/2018 01:29

It's a bit annoying, but I think the most likely explanation is that he is so excited that he couldn't keep it to himself, which would actually be rather adorable. It sounds like you're nervous about there being problems at the scan. The chances are everything will be fine and I wish you well with everything. I think it's okay to remind your husband to you want him to stick to what you've agreed, but please don't fall out with him over one slip up.

AjasLipstick · 31/03/2018 01:32

OP just try to move on. He made a mistake but don't let it overshadow your happy news. And don't worry too much.

My friend had been trying to conceive with her DH for 5 years and when she finally got a positive test, who did she ring?

ME! Shock

Not her DH....she said afterwards it was just an instinct...she rang me and told me and then we both thought "God...maybe the DH should have been first" but it was fine....we just never told him.

People do all kinds of things when they find out big news.x

Phillipa12 · 31/03/2018 01:34

Pick your battles, this really isnt one.

cantstopfuckingeating · 31/03/2018 01:38

Ah ffs wind it in there are worse things in life!
The day I found out I was preg with ds, dh went out in a pre planned sesh.
I got a phone call at 3am from my bil who had heard it like 5th hand! Dh obvs blabbed as he was bursting!
My only annoyance was my mum and mil hadn't been told. So we got up really early on the Sunday morning and went to tell them
All was good and no one died!
Chill out and enjoy!

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 31/03/2018 01:42

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!

What do you mean by that? You want to make him 'pay'?

Let it go OP. Be annoyed, I'm sure we all would be, but ultimately it's truly not that big of a deal

Original poster
ballerini · 31/03/2018 01:46

Thanks for your responses.
I know this may seem like not too much of a big deal to some people but I feel like I no longer trust him and if we discuss names before the birth he will go telling people them as well!
I feel like the only way round it is to not discuss names until after the birth. We have discussed names a little bit but I'm not telling him what I like and what I don't now because I only like about 3 names in the world and if he tells someone what we've picked I will definitely want to change it!
A friend of a friend announced her baby name when she was about 20wks pregnant and when it was born nobody was interested because they knew the sex and name already - felt like they'd known him for yrs! Let's face it no-one cares about weight and birth date do they!?

OP posts:
TheHandmaidsTail · 31/03/2018 01:48

When I was pregnant with DC1 (now on DC3 who is 4) I went mental at DH for telling one friend we were expecting. That friend didn't even tell his wife, and it raised his immeasurably in my estimation Smile, it showed what a great mate he was, and obviously I wouldn't have bothered about him telling his wife but he didn't.

It doesn't always need to be a bad thing

TheHandmaidsTail · 31/03/2018 01:51

Hmmm okay just read your update.

It's a baby, it's not "news" or a "name". In the nicest way no one but you and possibly grandparents are that interested.

You need to recognise your dp doesn't have to do what you say, and it's really not a big deal that he told one friend. There will be much bigger issues you need to agree on.

PinkAvocado · 31/03/2018 01:55

OP, those that matter will care that loved ones have had a baby and be excited for you regardless if they know the sex or names or not. Your DH has told one person probably for reasons others have given and you’ve then built it up to be more than that with a lot of ‘what ifs’. My friend told me the moment she found out she was pregnant then the sex and name when they knew those. This in no way diminished my joy and excitement on hearing the baby was born or theirs. Why are you so worried about other people being interested at the announcement?

It is not a given your husband will be sharing all the info and it’s unlikely he will when he realises how angry you are over this but don’t try and punish him for confiding in a friend.

notangelinajolie · 31/03/2018 01:57

Congratulations! Aw he is excited.

But totally understand you not wanting to tell anyone before scan. We waited and didn't say anything to anyone. But it is done now so you have to get over this and move on. Be happy together and don't bear grudges.

Firstimefreaked · 31/03/2018 01:59

Congratulations! I was miffed that my OH was so excited that he told the landlord before I told my own mother 😬 Still keeping that a secret!

DappledThings · 31/03/2018 02:09

The people who are close enough to you to be excited when the baby is born will be just as excited whether they know the name already or not. No point getting wound up about whether it's a secret or some people know.

User24689 · 31/03/2018 02:11

But you're not having a baby in order for it to be 'interesting' to other people?? Maybe your friend who announced the name at the 20 week scan didn't care that other people weren't interested when the baby was born! I feel more and more these days with the ' gender reveal' parties and baby showers and snan pictures on Facebook that having a baby is becoming an 'event' to garner attention rather than two people starting a family. Babies are born every day. No one is really bothered unless it's their own or a close family member.

It feels from reading this like you're annoyed that DH got to break the news first rather than you being worried about problems at the scan.

Original poster
ballerini · 31/03/2018 02:12

I just don't want to feel like other people are owning my pregnancy!
How do I explain missed miscarriage or abortion after any problems if those things were to happen!? I personally think if you are going to draw a line you have to draw it somewhere! He wanted to wait until 12 weeks as I did, but he can't trust himself!
I feel guilty that our families are going to find out after DH's friend who won't even be part of DC's life.
I've always been quite a secretive person so I won't be announcing my pregnancy on facebook or anything. It also feels important to me to keep the name private.

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 31/03/2018 02:18

I felt a bit of sympathy at your first post but just thought aww bless, he's really excited and that's a good thing.

Are you a 'tempting fate' believer? You do realise that the scan you have coming up will be the same regardless of whether he has told his best mate or not?

Your update sounds a bit deranged. You won't confirm your choice of his child's name until he/she has arrived in case he tells someone? Seriously?! Do you control his thoughts and deeds in other ways? This is a person you are bringing into the world not a 'big announcement'. Nobody but you really cares what name you're choosing.

We chose to find out sexes and named all of our children (to very close family/friends) before birth. There was no sense of anticlimax or disinterest from anyone when they arrived - they love us and were thrilled to see the new babies. Unless you expect your choice of name to be a feature in Hello magazine I really don't see the issue.