Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

253 replies

ballerini · 31/03/2018 01:01

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

OP posts:
knackeredandneedwine · 31/03/2018 07:09

..I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private..

A miscarriage or abortion is never something to feel ashamed about.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 31/03/2018 07:10

True but it's nobody else's business if OP doesn't want it to be!

Merryhobnobs · 31/03/2018 07:10

Having a baby is a huge life changing event and often the man feels under so much pressure and that he can't say anything to his partner because he just wants to be 100% supportive. So maybe he just needed to talk to his friend. I talked to my 3 closest friends before telling family both times. I lost my second baby at nearly 15 weeks so everyone knew. In sone ways that was good and in other ways it was obviously much harder. However none of that is the point. Stop trying to control everything. A baby isn't for news. And believe me when things are tough with a newborn you and your husband will need to be a strong team

user1499333856 · 31/03/2018 07:13

I think the reality of having children is really going to challenge your beliefs that everything has to be 'just so'.

I can see problems ahead with in-laws, care givers, friends. You are not the first person to be pregnant. You won't be the last. Try to keep that in mind because you are going to spoil your pregnancy for yourself.

And don't treat your DH likes this. I feel sorry for him.

Mossend · 31/03/2018 07:15

You can choose not to tell anyone, that is entirely your choice but as this baby is as much your husbands as yours he is perfectly entitled to tell whoever he likes.
You can not control another adult and as for worrying about what consequences he can suffer that is just weird.

bimbobaggins · 31/03/2018 07:16

It doesn’t sound as though the husband had much choice in having to agree. I feel sorry for him.
I told loads of people when I found out, the same people I would have told if I’d miscarried too for support

Andromeida59 · 31/03/2018 07:16

OP, you sound completely OTT and the whole thing about him "disrespecting your wishes" just makes you sound unhinged. Maybe he spoke to this distant friend because he needed to talk to someone. I understand the nerves but this isn't just about you. When I had a MC I was horrified at the thought of anyone knowing as I felt embarrassed. I then realised that not/talking to someone was my choice but my partner also needed support. Please lighten up. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy x

Sarahh2014 · 31/03/2018 07:18

I asked dh not to tell anyone and the next thing ge was on the phone to his mum and I was only around 7 weeks! Just try and remember it's his baby too and it's good he's excited

Gottokondo · 31/03/2018 07:19

There are six billion people on this world. They didn't come by bus. Nobody is that interested in your pregnancy. You are being controlling. Also about the possibility of a miscarriage in the 11 th week. All that happens is that you say that ypu had one and everyone goed"aaah I'm so sorry". And maybe a "had one too". You'll need time off of work then anyway.

Stop with the "what ifs". This baby is 50% your husbands and he gets to decide too. Ypu know what? He decided to tell his friend. Get over it. Let it go. If you can't let it go get therapy. This is peanuts with what is coming.

DaisyLand · 31/03/2018 07:20

Op in the nicest way I think you need to relax and enjoy (something I have not done in my pregnancy )

When are you willing to announce the pregnancy? After week 12? As in 20w scan there can be still things picked up and still need to decide to terminate for medical reasons. Will you want to wait til then to announce it ? The other day I sadly read that someone had lost the baby in mn at week 24 with no reason. Don’t want to scare you but If something I’ve learnt with this is that you’re always at risk til the baby is here (that’s why I’ve not relaxed )

“A friend of a friend announced her baby name when she was about 20wks pregnant and when it was born nobody was interested because they knew the sex and name already - felt like they'd known him for yrs! Let's face it no-one cares about weight and birth date do they!?”

It’s your baby and his , isn’t that enough excitement for you? I’m due next week , everyone knows about my babies name already , everyone is excited to meet him , and if I weren’t I wouldn’t care at all as I’m and so is my dh and that is everything I care about. I’ve fougjr loads for this.baby so if people weren’t interested on him as they knew his name already , honestly I wouldn’t care. Btw in my office there is a sweepstake going on about how much the baby is going to weight.

He’s done a mistake , should have waited true , but it’s his baby as much as yours and “he shouldn’t be paying the consequences”. That’s not a good way of bringing a baby to the world , it should be happy times.

Hope everything goes ok. Enjoy the rest of the pregnancy

laloup1 · 31/03/2018 07:21

I ageee it’s annoying he confided in a friend when you agreed not to. But this 12 week tradition is to be challenged - why all the secrecy? Did you just do it, because it’s the ‘done thing’?
It’s his baby too. And if, in the horrible event that the pregnancy doesn’t go well, is this the friend he would want or need to turn to for support? Or would you want him to cope with it with no support network?
You are about to have a family. You get to write your own rules, you don’t have to just sheepishly follow the norms.
Good luck for your scan! Hope you move past this - it’s no biggie!

bizarreFoods · 31/03/2018 07:21

"I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!"

Sad that a baby's being brought into a relationship where you want him to suffer concequences.

"I just don't want to feel like other people are owning my pregnancy!"

What the fuck does this mean?

" It also feels important to me to keep the name private."

Why is that not surprising?

Parker231 · 31/03/2018 07:21

I think you acting ott - you will have a time time of compromising about your Dc’s from their name, bedtime routine, schooling, etc. in the scheme of things when you tell people about your pregnancy is really not news for anyone other than your immediate friends and family. Should anything go wrong, they are the people you are going to want the support from.

selavy · 31/03/2018 07:22

Are people really this self involved or do they fake it just to bait people into commenting here?
OP no one cares! No one cares if you’re pregnant, going to name the baby Princess Consuela Banana Hammock or it if comes out green.
Your partner was probably happy and wanted to tell a friend, why you would get annoyed is being me (and I read the full thread and think all your reasons are bit ridiculous). But honestly, I bet his friend has already forgotten about and won’t think about the fact that you’re pregnant again until you announce that the baby is here. You know why? Because people have lives and they don’t care!!

MayCatt · 31/03/2018 07:23

OP, I can understand why you're disappointed in your DH. You both agreed something and he then went back on that so you feel let down by him. When you're pregnant you can feel very vulnerable anyway so I'd imagine this feels like more of a big deal than it might do normally.

However, you have a long few months ahead of you and it will bring you and your husband closer together if you let it. I would sit down with him and tell him you feel let down that he went back on his word and that you're going to need to depend on him over this pregnancy so you need to know it won't happen again.

Then I would draw a line under it and move on. Try to relax and not get so caught up on things needing to be a certain way as it'll be good practice for when the baby is here.

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest · 31/03/2018 07:24

I just don't trust him now so I feel like I can't discuss names.

I'm guessing this is his 'punishment'.

He told a friend he hardly sees, one that you don't see. It will have zero impact on you regardless of what happens.

Let your dh enjoy your pregnancy too, if you push him away and keep him at a distance then you may get your wish and he won't get involved at all. He doesn't have to be the exact amount of excited your terms and conditions allow.

HulaMelody · 31/03/2018 07:29

I completely understand about not wanting to say anything before the scan, and for wanting to keep things private.
Maybe your DH is also a bit worried about the scan so just wanted to say something to someone - and felt his friend had enough distance from you all not to make it a huge deal or blab to anyone else.
Telling people prior to the scan will not change its outcome; and in the event that it wouldn’t be good news, people are there to support you. I do understand that you would want some things to remain private but miscarriage is not something to be ashamed of and it deserves support from a wide range of family and friends.
Hoping your scan goes well and you can both share the lovely news with more people.

SilverySurfer · 31/03/2018 07:29

You're being a drama llama OP and really controlling. I wonder how your DH feels being treated like a naughty little boy? He did have a part to play in you being pregnant you know, unless you're expecting the second coming.

ChasedByBees · 31/03/2018 07:31

It sounds like you want to punish your DH and for him to suffer consequences. He’s an adult, you don’t get to ‘punish’ him like a child who’s misbehaving.

To not discuss names with him for the rest of your pregnancy (as a way to punish him perhaps?) will just fill your pregnancy with bad feeling and grudges. Is that what you want?

Let it go.

sendthecoffee · 31/03/2018 07:32

I announced all three of my pregnancies almost as soon as we found out between 6-8'weeks. I figured telling people wasn't going to stop anything happening, and if anything did happen, I'd need and want the support. As soon as we knew the sex at 20 weeks we announced the names - no negativity and people were excited when they were born. Get over it OP, it's really not the biggest deal in the world and if this gets you this worked up, god help you when your child is born.

Alwayswonderingwhere · 31/03/2018 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunnyCoco · 31/03/2018 07:34

Sorry you’re getting such a hard time on here op

I’ve suffered recurrent losses and it’s made me more private, not less, as people can be so insensitive . I completely understand not wanting to tell people yet. Best of luck x

Welshwabbit · 31/03/2018 07:37

OP I understand why you are annoyed with your husband but I think you may be overreacting a little. The fact that he has managed not to say anything until 11 weeks suggests it may have been an accidental slip on his part - it's easy to do (e.g. where are you going on holiday this year? Well, ballerini will be close to her due date by August so..."). And I don't think the name issue is the same at all - it's not exciting news in the same way so less potential for slips. By all means tell your husband that you are disappointed he's told someone before the agreed time, but I would suggest you draw a line under it now and move on. There are lots of challenges that come with having a small baby and you want to be facing them together.

DazzlingMilton · 31/03/2018 07:39

I actually don’t know if I can take this seriously?

Betrayal, consequences, breach of trust... it sounds like a B-rated movie plot. Anyone would think he’d been having a sordid affair...

In the great scheme of things you should realise you’re very lucky this is the only thing you have to worry about. If you can’t deal with the fact that he shared his news with one friend, most likely either out of worry or excitement, after already having waited this long ... then you’ve got major issues ahead of you. Whether things go right or wrong, he’s more than entitled to seek support, no one should be forced to deal with things on their own.

Withholding the special moments talk about names for the next 7 months by way of punishment for his crime is fucking ridiculous.

Calm down and get some perspective, you have a long pregnancy ahead of you... pick your battles and save your emotional outbursts for a time when you really need them.

hibbledibble · 31/03/2018 07:39

Yes, it is regrettable he told someone when you both agreed to wait, but you are making far too much of a big deal about this.

I know lots of people who are against the 'not telling anyone until 12 weeks' as it stigmatises miscarriage. In the unfortunate case of a miscarriage it is also helpful to have support from friends and family for both partners.

Really op, you need to move forwards from this. Tell him you are unhappy he has done this, and can he please not discuss names as this means a lot to you. It sounds like he has made a mistake, but you are blowing it out of proportion.