DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

[ballerini]

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

[VladmirsPoutine]

Pregnancy aside have you always been this highly strung?

[Certcert]

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!

Naughty step? Remember, it's one minute on the step for year of their age.

[NotTakenUsername]

Op at a guess is this your precious first born, and are you quite young?
Had you just found out last night?
Hopefully after a good sleep and a healthy dose of AIBU reality you will have a bit more perspective.
Calmly explain why you were upset, then let it go. You did make an agreement, but noone is perfect - especially if it is also his pfb and he is quite young too. He’s probably excited and scared and everything in between.
If I had consequences every time I make a mistake, my life would be horrible. There is a big difference between being gracious to your partner and being a pushover. This would be, in my opinion, a time to gently voice your feelings and move on.

[PrimalLass]

OP you will end up single before the baby arrives if you keep this up.

[DaphneFanshaw]

Op, you sound really really anxious which is probably why you are coming across the way you are.
When is your scan?

[LadyLannister]

I can understand how you feel op, I found out I was pregnant after our second round of ivf when I was only just over 4 weeks pregnant. I knew we wouldn't be able to keep it quiet until 12 weeks but had agreed not to tell anyone until the ivf clinic had done a scan and confirmed that it wasn't a chemical pregnancy.
Dh went off to work and decided to call in on his parents on the way and tell them. First I knew of it was when I nipped into his mum's shop later that dad and she ran up hugging and congratulating me. I was fuming.
However, I did realise that he was just very, very excited and I got over it pretty quickly. I imagine your DH is also very excited so I wouldn't be too harsh on him. Good luck with your scan.

[Alexkate2468]

OP, I may be completely wrong here, and big apologies if I am... But weren't you on a thread talking about counseling and MH problems a few days ago?

If that was you, I think some of your issues could be affecting the way you're seeing this situation. It's a little annoying that he told but honestly, it's not something that he needs to 'face conferences' over.

You're already pretty much angry with him for sharing the name and that hasn't even happened.

As pps have said, having the baby isn't about the announcement and how interested people are - it's about you, your oh and your baby. It's a special time and if you're going to enjoy it, you need to really work on relaxing about the small stuff. This won't be the last time your oh does something you don't like and you can't hang on to everything otherwise your relationship won't survive and you're going to end up constantly uptight and angry.

Work on letting stuff go for all of you.

[IHATEPeppaPig]

Oh OP, when I was pregnant I was so anxious that this would have annoyed me too. However, I was a hormonal wreck and I look back and laugh now!!

Once you see your baby on the scan, you'll forget you were ever annoyed!!! Congratulations btw.

[minmooch]

In the nicest possible way you are going to ruin this pregnancy for both yourself and your OH.

So he told his friend. Get over it. He may have been excited or scared and needed to offload. He's allowed to.

As for not even discussing names because you can't trust him - you are being so ridiculous. In fact I think this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on mumsnet.

It does not bode well for your relationship if you can't even discuss the names of your child. You may need to grow up a little.

[shakeyourcaboose]

Am hoping you feel less anxious soon OP. I think I'm most perturbed by the poster who indicated that if there is sadly a loss that the father should only be allowed support and to discuss grief if given permission. Am hoping my inference of this is incorrect!

[DaisyLand]

Just seen your threads in MN. At 10w you were considering telling one of your friends about your pregnancy. So you also were thinking about breaking that promise to him. Did he make you pay the consequences ? Why is it right for you to tell one of your friends and not him ?

[lifechangesforever]

You sound like a petulant child tbh.. given your second update it doesn't sound like you want to keep quiet for safety reasons but more because you want the 'big bang' announcement.

DH and I also agreed not to tell anyone before 12 week scan except parents and grandparents. By the time 11 weeks arrived we'd pretty much told all brothers and sisters and close friends.

He's excited, you sound like you're trying to ruin it for him. Make him pay for what exactly?! Are you going to make the child pay for every time they speak out of turn too?

[ButtMuncher]

As a fellow control freak (of myself, rarely others) I can tell you that having a baby, nay, a child, is one of the biggest tests imaginable. You can or control anything when it comes to children. Nor can you control other people's reactions or attitudes to your child.

You can either choose to move on from this or choose to let it impact your pregnancy and relationship going forwards.

Could you sit down with your DH and explain that you feel disappointed that he told a friend and ask him why he did it? It maybe that his friend asked whether you were pregnant, and he just said yes. I remember a colleague asking me when I was 6 weeks and although we'd agreed not to say anything, I couldn't lie (was afraid of jinxing myself) and for that reason, I ended up saying I was pregnant before i had intended to.

Also - blokes aren't as OMG about news like this. What feels monumental to you won't be to a not very close friend - in fact, he probably said congrats and they moved on to another topic - so try not to feel like your thunder has been stolen. It hasn't - for all intents and purposes, you've still got the main friends and family to tell. Maybe your DH wanted to tell someone the news that he knew wouldn't shout it from the rooftops. Dads do have a say too, and it's often because they are feeling anxious as well about pregnancy and their role within it.

Basically - try not to give him a hard time. I understand you feel betrayed as you trusted him not to say anything, but as others have said, pick your battles (they'll get a lot harder) and sit down with him to find out what actually happened. Reiterate how you feel and your feelings towards names etc and start a fresh.

[Figgygal]

I get that you're annoyed as you agreed to keep it quiet but I think you are being a bit crazy with the need for consequences and that whole thing re: names.

Does he know you are disappointed in him? I think the healthy thing to do is make sure he knows it and then move on that really should be the end of it

[ClaryFray]

He was probably excited and wanted someone to talk to about it. YABU a bit over the top.

[greatbigwho]

Anyone who doesn't care about the news you've had the baby and are both safe and well because they already know the name and sex is a jerk tbh.

[Billben]

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!
He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes

You’ve got bigger issues here OP than the announcement of your pregnancy. You are acting like a spoilt child and need to give your head a wobble.

[londonrach]

You do sound ott especially your update. One of my friends who sadly suffered several miscarriages told everyone as soon as she could as she said she need support if it happened again. We were there for her during each miscarriage then she managed to carry her dd to term. I cant tell you how that feels. Congratulations op. Sounds like dh is vv excited too.

[ProperLavs]

Get over yourself OP. Are you sure you are mature enough to care for a baby?

[Teateaandmoretea]

I don't believe in tempting fate but I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private! If I become not pregnant any more it will need to be explained!

Why would a loss be private? I know lots and lots of people who have had miscarriages (it's probably 50%+ of mothers), thankfully the secrecy around it is fading I think. If it was about tempting fate I'd understand but the idea that you would tell no one and expect dh to do the same (it's also his baby and he may need support himself) is . Ime of women who've had miscarriages they react in different ways, so if you are OK people won't go ott. But miscarriage can be really traumatic for some/ there can be medical complications being adamant you would tell no one isn't realistic.

What on earth would there to be ashamed about if you had a TFMR? It would be traumatic though and however private you are, you'd need the love of those around you and to be cut some slack.

[riddles26]

I hope you have a healthy pregnancy but please keep in mind that if you get bad news at any point, there will be people you both decide to lean on for support. It wouldn't be fair for you to dictate who he did or didn't speak to.

While it is your body and some aspects are to be dictated by you, try see having a baby as something you are experiencing together. His feelings and excitement are just as valid as yours and same goes for his opinions. However what other people think or say about things like the name are not important or relevant.

It doesn't make sense that you care so much about other people's opinions and excitement on your decision yet are happily dismissing his.

[twinone]

Pah, ha, ha. You are full on bonkers

[Booboostwo]

Things go a bit haywire for most people after the birth with the crazy mix of love, hormones, sleeplessness, changes in lifestyle, etc. You need to find some coping strategies for your anxieties before things get a lot harder.

[veuveo]

In the nicest possible way, I think you need help.

[DecisionIsTough]

Really?!?!?
It must be the pregnancy hormones
Relax