DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

[ballerini]

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

We told some family and friends before 12 wks with my first pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage at 10 weeks. I don't regret telling people because I needed the 'support' afterwards. The people I worked closely with all knew too as I took sick leave because of it. I think there is too much shame and secrecy surrounding miscarriage. It's a form of loss and you definitely suffer a form of grief. I found it therapeutic in some way to talk about it with other women who had been through the same thing and I've since consoled other women myself. I was lucky to have a successful 2nd and then 4th pregnancy, so thankfully I didn't experience the pain of recurrent losses but i remember how hard the first one was.

We didn't consider having any further medical testing though and probably wouldn't have considered an abortion if anything had come up at the 20 week scan anyway though so maybe that's a big difference. You do realise a lot of the checks on the baby are done at 20 weeks and not 12?

OP you're not in the US are you? I receive emails from an American site where all the women seem to make huuuuuge issues over shit like this, or no one bought stuff from their registry for their baby shower, there are 'bump reveals', 'gender reveals' 'name reveals'....you name it they'll have a catered party to reveal it.

You are growing a HUMAN CHILD inside of you, that's the only important thing to focus on. Not whether the pregnancy or name or sex is revealed at the right time. Honestly pregnancy is an experience, yes, but one that only you and DH are all that interested in and it's just a means to an end. No one else wants to 'own it'. You'll have forgotten about all this drama when the baby is actually here and if you have more kids in the future you'll probably be embarrassed about how much of a deal you're making over your DH telling a friend. It's his baby too and I totally get that you're nervous about people knowing before you've had the scan but really this has nothing to do with trust. Lots of FTMs feel like you, like all these 'announcements' have to be perfect but really no one cares.

Good luck with your scan I hope it goes well, then try to relax and give DH a break

Apologies for snippage.

I get it OP. I would have felt annoyed too. I hope it all goes well at the scan. Whilst there are lots of things to worry about, more likely than not, all will be fine.

Also, with the name thing, I did tell a friend my son's name before he was born and she was quite rude about it and suggested we pick something else (and honestly, it wasn't any kind of weird or wacky name - pretty standard, just not to her taste). I found it really irritating and after that didn't tell another soul until after he was born, didn't want to hear what anyone else had to say. People are less likely to share opinions about names they dislike once actually confronted with that name in the form of a gorgeous newborn. So if you want to keep the name to yourself and DH, that's fair enough. If you let him know you how you feel about this particular incident, I'm sure he will be more mindful in future.

Anyhoo, re this particular misstep, on the plus side (if you can call it that) he told someone not particularly close to you/your family, so you won't realistically have to worry about sharing bad news that you'd rather keep quiet,if it ever comes to that a and I'm sure it won't!

It's an exciting time for both of you, your DH slipped up, but I can guarantee you once your baby arrives there will be times you may both end up making mistakes. As much as you may be mad at him now, it's not worth taking away the joy of your happy news - take a deep breath, let it go and focus on the good!

OP, what has your DH said about it since telling his friend? Assuming he knows your annoyed with him, what's he said about that?

Please get a grip.

I get it too OP. I think you've had a hard time on here.

You made a decision together about something important between the two of you. And he betrayed that trust by telling someone when you'd agreed together you weren't going to. Plus you'd told him you didn't want to tell anyone before 12 weeks so he knew how you felt.

All this "but he was just so excited" is rubbish imo. He's presumably a grown adult with some impulse control not a toddler trying to keep a surprise present quiet (my 3 year old DD always tells me in a "we made you a card but we have to keep it as a surprise" bursting with pride sort of way).... cute and understandable with a toddler. Not so much your life partner who you are supposed to trust and share your innermost worries and fears with.

I'm also a very private person OP. I get it. I wouldn't want anyone knowing if anything went wrong because I wouldn't want their support. I know I've been there many times unfortunately. Another reason I wouldn't announce until 14+ weeks personally.

The point is you are the one who is pregnant. Not your DH. Yes it's his baby too but essentially it's your body and your "medical information" if you will. The same people berating you herefor being "precious" or whatever would no doubt be on another thread defending a woman's right to have an abortion against the fathers wishes if it's what she wanted. Or to exclude the father from the birth if it was what she wanted ("it's your body, not his, birth is not a spectator sport etc")

I would be very hurt if my DH betrayed my confidence this way. Especially after I'd made it clear it was important to me. Whether anyone else agrees with your reasons is irrelevant really. He knew you had agreed to keep it quiet until you were comfortable to share the news

Abso-so if something went wrong, would her DH not be entitled to need support because he isn’t the one carrying the baby?

Presumably he would discuss it with his wife first?? Ask her how she felt about him sharing that information as he would like to garner support... and go from there. I would assume his first instinct would be to support his wife who would be the one physically going through the process..... don't people communicate in their relationships??

I accidentally let slip we were expecting again to a friend before my 12 week scan - DH was amused if anything. Anyway in our case the 12 week scan went perfectly so we told everyone; then major problems were detected at 20 weeks. If we had another child I probably wouldn't bother with any secrecy.

YABVVVU here OP and I feel very sorry for your husband and future child.

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!

You don’t do anything. He’s not a child; you don’t get to give him “consequences” or punish him when you don’t like his behaviour. You deal with it like adults and if you can’t then you separate.

You are a control freak and you’ve admitted this, but this does not mean you get to control other people. Attempting to do so is tantamount to abuse.

At the end of the day, the harsh truth is that nobody really cares about your baby. They’ll say congratulations because that’s the nice thing to do, but bar your parents and DH, nobody else cares because babies are born every day.

I understand why you feel betrayed and feel like you can't trust him, I think you need to take a step back and think about his relationship with the friend he told. Id this friend a loud-mouthed idiot who will tell all and sundry or a loyal confidant who helps your DH be the man he is? Does your DH have good judgement in who he chooses to confide in?

Because if he's told someone who, as like as not, will be telling others, then you have good reason to be upset at how he's let you down. But if his friend is reliable and stalwart support, long-term you hurt yourself by criticising his use of the sort of person who will help keep him strong and stable. Sometimes we all can benefit from an ear to share excitement and challenges with. It's typical to do so with our spouses, but sometimes a spouse is too close for one reason or another. Having another person who can provide this support without challenging the relationship between spouses can be a source of strength for everyone involved.

It is scary to be pregnant. I understand why this seems like a betrayal. But if the friend he shared with is a friend who has been true and strong in the past, I think you need to take a deep breath and accept he needs more of an outlet. Is it possible you also need more of an outlet than you feel you have? Might it help your need for control if you didn't have only one person to talk about this life-changing event?

Fgs chill OP.

It’s his baby too. I know it’s special, and your first and all that, but really you need to get over yourself.

I was worried about not telling anyone before 20 week scan in case anything was wrong and we'd have to make difficult decisions, I didn't have to be in a more painful position where I'd have to keep publicly retelling what happened. So I do get it. The thing was of course that by 20 weeks I was already showing, impossible to hide it under loose clothing. Plus I had to tell certain people such as work colleagues in order to get time off for appointments anyways. There are so many things that will be out of your control when it comes to pregnancy and kids in general. At least your dh didn't announce it on social media.

Congrats on your news!

However please get some perspective here! You are sounding a bit controlling and slightly weird. You are putting too much weight on people focusing on your pregnancy, the name etc. People will congratulate you and move on!

Just enjoy your pregnancy. All this shit doesn’t matter. In the nicest possible way, please calm down.

I wouldn't waste time stressing about if people find out and who they're going to tell. Stress correctly affects your baby.
I understand your upset and feel like he went behind your back, but I do think most people think it's all up to the mother. If you had told a close friend do you think he'd be trying to punish you?
And at least he was honest enough to come home and let you know it slipped out, not hide more from you.
And saying "people don't care when you know the sex and name because they feel like they've known them for years", thats a little bit of rubbish. People who are waiting to find out the name are nosey. People waiting to meet your gorgeous baby and have an active role are not going to be bothered that they knew the baby's name 15 weeks ago, they are going to still be over the moon.

OP, you seriously need to get over these control issues ASAP as you are going to have to be making a lot of compromises when your baby is born.
Can you try and think about this from your Husbands perspective for a moment?
It's his baby too and you seem determined to cut him out of it.
You're going to end up with a very very unhappy marriage if you won't cut him some slack.

And trust me, no one will care about the baby name except you and your parents.

Please don't be one of those parents who act like their child is the Messiah and everyone should be 100% invested with every minor detail, regardless of who they are.

OP give your DH a break. I assume this is your PFB

You've got so much ahead of you that you don't even know about yet - this is such a minor issue believe me

Remember to err is human. He's hardly done anything really bad. He's just so excited.

Grow up a bit.

I mean this in the best possible way but nobody other than you, your DH, and some very close family is actually that bothered about your pregnancy. It's a bit like weddings ....to you it's the biggest deal in the world but to others it's a but 'meh' until the actual day.

We told parents straight away as we figured if something did happen we would have probably told them anyway and they would have been supportive .

In the end I went very public at 8 weeks - telling work and everything- because I suffered such horrendous morning sickness. I had a couple of scares and bled heavily throughout and im glad people knew as they were nothing but supportive and understanding.

consequences

Are you the same person that posted about the fleshlight? Your controlling tone is familiar.

With my first pregnancy, I didn't tell anyone. I then had a miscarriage and had to go through it all on my own. DP and I agreed not to tell anyone, but I had to confide in a couple of friends, it was too big to keep to myself. I've never told him that a couple of my friends know, and I have no idea if he told anyone.

I'm now pregnant again and told a couple of friends really early on. I needed the support as I was terrified. Again, I don't know if DP told anyone.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that whilst it is your body, he is connected to the baby as well. If something were to go wrong, either of you may need support.

Poor guy.

Why is the OP getting such a hard time? She's not had any scans yet - it's very common for MMC at 6-8 weeks to be discovered at 12wk scan. Besides he is her HUSBAND and they AGREED not to tell anyone. It's a massive breach of trust. Until the baby is born the information about the pregnancy is information about OP's reproductive organs and body and is personal and private. I'd be raging too OP and would feel the same doubts about discussing names etc (you only have to read the baby name boards to understand why it's a bad idea to tell people the name before the birth)