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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

253 replies

ballerini · 31/03/2018 01:01

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

OP posts:
steff13 · 31/03/2018 02:26

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!

Naughty step? Remember, it's one minute on the step for year of their age.

PinkAvocado · 31/03/2018 02:32

Why won’t his friend be a part of your DC’s life? Even if not, so what?! Will you only allow your DH to tell people you decide are suitable?

If something sad is discovered at your 12 week scan then your husband will no doubt go to that same person for support. You won’t need to explain it to his friend at all.

Stillgameforalaugh · 31/03/2018 02:44

Ach I told a guy I worked with never I told dh and I was ony 4 wks at the time. I'd been told I couldn't be pregnant... felt odd and did a test that morning which looked positive but not def. Dh knew then...i went to the doc that morning and had it confirmed. Dh was in meetings all day and I didn't really want to tell him over the phone. Went into work and told the guy who I was friendly with. No big deal...i just had to tell someone as I was absolutely bursting. Dh didn't mind.

Original poster
ballerini · 31/03/2018 02:53

I don't believe in tempting fate but I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private! If I become not pregnant any more it will need to be explained!
I just don't trust him now so I feel like I can't discuss names. I told him how important it was to me and fretted over it and he agreed we should keep it private but then didn't.
I think not announcing the name until after birth is the respectable thing to do. I'm sorry if anyone disagrees, that's just the way I feel and as I said before I don't want to feel like other people own my pregnancy!

OP posts:
Original poster
ballerini · 31/03/2018 02:56

We rarely see the friend he went out with. DH can tell whoever he wants once we make sure everything is ok, but at the minute we don't know anything ourselves!

OP posts:
LeslieKnopefan · 31/03/2018 02:56

Congratulations on being the first person to be pregnant ever!

I’m sure everyone else in the world can’t wait to hear every detail!!

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 31/03/2018 03:04

Congrats to the father, sounds a great loving man. Will hopefully override your weirdness...

Storminateapot · 31/03/2018 03:05

Well it's very clear now that you own your pregnancy and your DH's needs and feelings pertaining to that are secondary.

I sincerely wish you the very best for your scan and look forward to the day when 'the big name reveal' is televised on a mountaintop a la Lion King.

DappledThings · 31/03/2018 03:06

What do you mean by "respectable"? How is not respectable to tell people a name before? Are you planning some kind of formal announcement in The Times as the only way to tell people?

TotHappy · 31/03/2018 03:07

You do sound a bit ott I'm afraid. But i think it is also possible that the pregnancy hormones are influencing you. I remember it now, but at the time you dont realise that's what it is - you just think this thing is huuugely important when in retrospect, it isn't.
When i was preg with dd, I lost a favourite scarf somewhere in the street coming away from a gig. I was really upset. I had nightmares all night about my lost scarf. Dh, bless his heart, went back to the street the next morning, found it gelpfully tied to a lamp post and brought it back to me. I was still in bed. Crying about the scarf.

This might not be what's happening to you, and if not sorry if i seem patronising. It is horrible to feel like you can't trust someone to respect your wishes. But i dont think that's what's going on here. I think he wanted to respect them, tried to, and slipped. I also do understand the idea of wanting to keep some things private, so you have your own little snuggly secret between you, dh and bump, to keep things special.

steff13 · 31/03/2018 03:09

We have discussed names a little bit but I'm not telling him what I like and what I don't now because I only like about 3 names in the world and if he tells someone what we've picked I will definitely want to change it!

I just saw this part. This is a really weird attitude.

TotHappy · 31/03/2018 03:11

@storminateacup, she does own it and his needs are secondary. Not irrelevant. But secondary. Because while they are both preparing for parenthood, she is the one doing the pregnancy, and all the shit that comes with that.

TotHappy · 31/03/2018 03:12

Sorry, should have been @storminateapot

Original poster
ballerini · 31/03/2018 03:16

I just think if 2 people who agree to keep a name private until after the birth can't keep the name to themselves until after the baby is born that is pretty desperate!
Obviously a lot of people will have opinions on the chosen name and I have known people in the past try to change the couple's mind when announced in advance which is out of order!
When the name has been kept private with couples I have never heard any stories about negative comments/ trying to put the couple off the name etc.
We both only have small families and I have 4 friends so it's not like we have many to announce it to anyway but it's nice if we agree to keep something private and stick to it!

OP posts:
Belphegor · 31/03/2018 03:16

You are really, really OTT and a complete control freak.

With all the management amd angst of baby names etc it sounds like you're having a royal baby or something. I do not for one second believe your story about the woman you knew who had a baby and no one cared because they already knew the name. That is batshit.

Storminateapot · 31/03/2018 03:19

And she gets to choose the name too? And if he discloses the choice before express permission has been granted it will be changed without consultation?

Yep. All seems pretty standard to me.

Thanks for the reminder on how pregnancy works anyway as it's been a while. Maybe that's why I can see what a storm in a teacup (see what I did there?) this is in the context of the rest of this child's life.

KimberlyS2 · 31/03/2018 03:22

If I become not pregnant any more it will need to be explained!

This can happen after the 12 week scan. It’s less likely, but happens to lots of people.

I’ve known the names of people’s babies before they were born, it didn’t matter that the name wasn’t being announced with the birth as the most important thing to know is that Mum and baby both doing well and baby arrived safely.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 31/03/2018 03:27

If she’s so controlling before the baby is born and named....poor child afterwards

Original poster
ballerini · 31/03/2018 03:27

I admit I am a control freak! I feel like being pregnant I have lost a bit of control of my life because my body is doing weird things!
I suppose I am clinging onto the things I thought I could control!
I didn't want to tell family/friends about the pregnancy as early as 12wks originally but that was the compromise we came to and I'm just annoyed that he has told his friend a week before the scan.
I didn't say I was going to choose the name, I said it'd have to be chosen after the birth if we get to that stage!

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 31/03/2018 03:33

I already feel sorry for your Child

DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!
ThisIsTheFirstStep · 31/03/2018 03:40

OP I’m a control freak too. But I control myself. Not other people. You’re going to have to take it way easier once you have a baby, trust me.

Celticlassie · 31/03/2018 03:40

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

So leave him. Bring up the baby on your own, in accordance to your wishes, and only your wishes. But if you're not going to, you're just going to have to get the fuck over it.

Emma198 · 31/03/2018 03:41

Nothing winds me up more than an AIBU where the overwhelming consensus is yes absolutely but OP insists they're not. If you're that certain you're in the right and not unreasonable then you shouldn't have asked. Feel sorry for your husband.

HappyStripper · 31/03/2018 03:47

This is really strange, I kind of get waiting to tell people but your husband getting excited is also understandable. The name thing, however, is completely ridiculous. Not discussing your child’s name with your partner because he may tell someone and they may make a slightly negative comment is a weird choice. What are you going to do when the child does something you don’t agree with or their name is made fun of at school?

TotHappy · 31/03/2018 03:49

@storminateapot no, I agree with your points broadly, so there's no need for such snippiness Wink