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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

253 replies

ballerini · 31/03/2018 01:01

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

OP posts:
BrownTurkey · 31/03/2018 08:34

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This thing is going to be the hardest thing you ever do together, and you need to be kind to each other. If he’s a good partner, he will gain your trust in ways you never expected, but not just by always doing what you wanted - he’s human. By all means withold the names as a joke, but don’t drive a wedge between you and your partner when you need to be working as a team. He just felt proud and wanted to tell someone (and alcohol lowers our inhibitions).

Kokeshi123 · 31/03/2018 08:37

I personally agree that it can be better to keep mum until you are at the three month mark (= much lower risk of MC), but your husband is excited and it obviously went to his head a bit. A lot of men are a bit clueless about how common MC etc. is, and don't really get that there can be risks in telling everyone too soon. Explain your feelings to him, and then forget about it and move on.

I strongly recommend that you let people know what names you are thinking of, just in cause they think of some problem that has not occurred to you. Don't be that person who calls their daughter Jennifer Taylor without thinking about what kind of nickname Jennifer is shortened to, or picks what they think is a "unique" name only to find out that half their toddler group is called that. I was all for calling my daughter a particular name which my DH and I thought was great, but when I mentioned it to people, two separate people told me that it is the name of a famous ladies' wig brand in the country where I live.... that name got crossed off the list pretty quick. The Baby Name forum on here has quite a lot of "name regret" posts, and it's usually from people who didn't bother to ask people's opinions on the name before they bestowed it.

DeadGood · 31/03/2018 08:39

“AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?“

What a weird thing to say. Did someone say this to you when you were a child?

GnotherGnu · 31/03/2018 08:40

I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private!

Please don't. If you have to terminate, it will be for good reason. If you have a miscarriage, obviously it is something that is beyond your control and nothing to be ashamed of.

I had a missed miscarriage having already told people I was pregnant. The whole experience was horrible, but not because I had to tell people - in fact, it was massively helpful being able to talk about it, not having to keep it private.

DeadGood · 31/03/2018 08:41

“It is common not to tell people before the scan and tests in case you have to make a difficult decision re any health problems etc.”
Cheers for this info too. You see, none of us have ever had babies before.

LotsToThinkOf · 31/03/2018 08:45

If DH felt that this friend was close enough to tell then this friend will be close enough to help him through a loss of the worst was to happen. This is not all about you - maybe DH wants some support, maybe that's why he told his friend. You've said that this friend wont even meet the baby so what does it matter that they know? It's not like you're going to see them either, just DH and maybe he wants support.

I sort of understood until you updated about 'the name' and then it just went really OTT. People don't actually care, they hear the name and then they make a judgement whether the baby is here or not. The only difference is that some people don't voice their true opinions if the baby has been born but it doesn't change their actual opinion on the name.

You say that once people know the sex and the name they lose interest, it sounds like you're maximising the amount of attention you'll get once the baby arrives. A friend of mine did this and was bitterly disappointed - people were happy but then they let her get on with it. It was the same for me, no one is as interested as you are, by withholding all of the information it just makes you appear attention grabbing and people will just get sick of you and show no interest anyway.

You need a reality check quickly before people get massively fed up with you. Poor DH.

ALemonyPea · 31/03/2018 08:48

Unclench a little op, you’ve got a fair few months to go of your pregnancy. Your DH is probably just as anxious as you and wanted to share the news with a friend who isn’t involved heavily in your personal life so is unlikely to tell family.

What are you going to do when the baby is here? Cover the pram as strangers might look at your baby without your permission?

mavismcruet · 31/03/2018 08:51

A friend of a friend announced her baby name when she was about 20wks pregnant and when it was born nobody was interested because they knew the sex and name already - felt like they'd known him for yrs!

More likely she just had been watching too much Kim Kardashian et al and thought everyone should react like she had just given birth to The Messiah Grin

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/03/2018 08:54

This is not a healthy response. If your need for control is already presenting like this; I think seeing your doctor might be helpful - a child isn't going to be easily controlled either.

He agreed with you to keep it quiet, did for a while, went out with an old best friend who doesn't really know anyone else in your circle so was fairly safe, and told him. He perhaps wanted to talk about it; or wanted some support. He told you what he'd done. That's not unforgiveable, it doesn't make him not trustworthy.

M0reGinPlease · 31/03/2018 08:54

Please calm down OP. I think it's a huge leap from him getting excited about being a dad and telling one friend a week early, to assuming he would blab your chosen name to all and sundry. I think you need to get a grip of these issues quickly because you've got bigger things to come when you're parents.

Lovemusic33 · 31/03/2018 08:57

I think you are being a bit OTT, he was obviously excited so he told his friend. I don’t think I could keep it to myself for 12 weeks, I would have probably told my best friend or my mum. I know the first 12 weeks are when complications are more likely to happen but the fact he told his friend will not effect the outcome.

I hope your scan is all ok and your pregnancy goes well. Please remember that the child is as much your dh’s as it is yours so maybe he can make decisions too.

0hCrepe · 31/03/2018 08:59

Don’t make it into a big thing.
The name/sex issue- I’m far more interested in someone’s actual new baby than their name and sex announcement. Talking about names before is chit chat. Though once a pregnant woman said oh we’re keeping the sex private like it was a big deal state secret. I just thought it was odd and it completely closed down the conversation. It’s put me off asking anything really because it seems some pregnant women are extremely easily offended. Reminds me of those people who say “don’t tell anyone but...” before everything to try and make it more interesting. It’s just tiresome.
It’s your life OP, no one is as interested in it as you are and unless you’ve got some shitty friends and family, they only really want the best for you whatever happens, but the thing they’ll be thinking about most is actually their own lives.

Joanna57 · 31/03/2018 09:04

Blimey.

It's a baby. YOUR baby. Not a piece of property.

Hardly anyone else will be remotely interested, apart from maybe your mother and MIL.

I feel so sorry for your partner - it is his baby as well, but he is being made to feel like an outsider.

You really do need to take a reality check.

SenoritaViva · 31/03/2018 09:08

It has happened and so now time to get over it. I think you're wanting him to suffer the consequences is rather strange, having told him you're disappointed is enough.

You are being over the top about breaking down all communication over baby names.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 31/03/2018 09:11

Wow I know this is AIBu but the responses are full on nasty and bonkers. So no one is allowed to keep their pregnancy private before 12 weeks now because MC aren't that taboo any more? Ffs. People are allowed to set boundaries re privacy and if my DH did this against what we had agreed and without discussion I'd be really upset.

FantasticButtocks · 31/03/2018 09:11

Sorry you're feeling so stressed and out of control. Flowers can you think of it this way - when you need to talk about it and offload you can come on MN and discuss your DH, your baby and other private things with strangers on the Internet...your DH also needs to offload sometimes and has chosen to share this with a friend. Just different ways of coping. At least he is interested and engaged enough about this baby to want to tell someone, and that's a good thing. Try not to let this eat you up, try to let it go. He made a mistake. You'll feel better if you don't let this become bigger than it needs to be. And, congratulations 🎉

thethoughtfox · 31/03/2018 09:11

It might be your pregnancy but it's his baby just as much as yours and he has rights and feeling that should be just as respected. Did you post hoping people would suggest consequences for you to punish him with?

AnnaT45 · 31/03/2018 09:12

OP I can see why you'd be annoyed but you're not trying to see it from his side. He's clearly excited and wanted to share it.

If something bad were to happen don't undervalue how devastated it will be and how you'd need emotional support to get through it.

I'm a bit worried for you because having a baby is a big loss of control, first in pregnancy and then when it arrives. You can't control most of the stuff so I think you'd benefit from speaking to someone about all this.

Also, you're having a baby with your DH and say you don't trust him. Is it really because of this one indiscretion?

Just try think about this all calmly and from both sides.

frazzledtired · 31/03/2018 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joanna57 · 31/03/2018 09:15

My DD did her pregnancy test at my house, when she was 1 day late for her period.

The result was positive - 1 week 3 days approx.

Her DH and DSD were sat in the garden having a beer.

They were the next to know.

She had a scan at 7 weeks 4 days. Another at 12 weeks, then 16 weeks, then 20 weeks and at 22 weeks.

Her next one is at 24 weeks and I have been with her for every single one.

I will also her birthing partner, along with her DH.

It has been my greatest joy to share this pregnancy with my DD.

So glad she is not manipulative, or secretive, or controlling.

SenoritaViva · 31/03/2018 09:17

@thegrumpysquirrel I don't think people are saying you can't keep it private, I think the OP has stirred up feelings in people by wanting her DH to 'suffer consequences' and that her response is over the top.

I suspect if she'd posted 'aibu to be annoyed that DH shared our news before scan' many people would've said yanbu.

Joanna57 · 31/03/2018 09:18

frazzle

Hope you will be ok.

This is when family come into their own.

Oh, and I agree with every word you posted.

reddington · 31/03/2018 09:20

if we discuss names before the birth he will go telling people them as well!

You sound like seriously hard work. Other than your close family no-one really cares about the sex or name whether they know before or not. I suspect that the only thing they actually care about is that you’re both healthy. The birth of your child isn’t some massive news story.

Findingdotty · 31/03/2018 09:21

Don't get too stressed about it. In the grand scheme of things your DH got excited and made a small mistake. He possibly doesn't feel the anxiety that you are feeling in early pregnancy. I think it's not something men feel as much unless there is a history causing them too.

Good luck with your pregnancy OP.

jaseyraex · 31/03/2018 09:22

OP, in the nicest way possible, no one gives a shiny shit if you're pregnant. No one cares what you'll name it, no one cares what sex the baby is, no one cares how much it weighs. Only you and DH and probably your family care about these things.
Telling a random friend is not the end of the world. If god forbid you were to have a miscarriage or any problems then it would be up to DH to tell that friend, not you. But even if something did go wrong and you were to tell them, you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. It's good to talk about it.
You sound anxious, I'd chat to a midwife about how you're feeling. Although it's common for people to wait until after the first scan, it's really not normal to have the reaction that you're having if someone doesn't follow that "rule". Control yourself OP, not your DH or your pregnancy.

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