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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

253 replies

ballerini · 31/03/2018 01:01

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

OP posts:
MarvelleGazelle · 31/03/2018 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Absofrigginlootly · 31/03/2018 14:19

Also, I just wanted to add to this thread that not even one has a living aupoortive wider family who would offer appropriate and sensitive support. I certainly don't.

Like a PP said, just because some people are happy to share their lives openely doesn't mean that private people who feel differently are wrong. They just feel differently.

Why is thatso hard to grasp? For me, other peolple knowing about a loss would make it 100x harder. Not because of shame but because I am a very private person and other people knowing would add to the emotional burden of the situation, for me.

Absofrigginlootly · 31/03/2018 14:25

*not everyone has a loving supportive wider family

TheGrumpySquirrel · 31/03/2018 16:26

"other bit of context to bear in mind is that this was WK 11; much more unreasonable to tell people in say week 6 "

No. Loads of miscarriages aren't discovered until the 12wk scan despite baby not developing past 6/7/8wks. Nearly every single person I know who had a miscarriage had no idea that they had lost the baby until that scan.

And totally agree with @Absofrigginlootly 's post below. Just because you aren't bothered that your DH told people doesn't mean everyone has to feel the same way! It's about respecting the other persons wishes in a relationship and understanding what matters to each other.

CheeseyToast · 31/03/2018 16:31

How silly. Really this is so minor. You really need to buckle up, babies need their parents to have a grip and not a bunch of silly dramas.

DaisyLand · 31/03/2018 17:13

@thegrumpysquirrel however. As I’ve pointed before op last Saturday (10w) was happy to announce it to one of her friends as per ops threads history. Why can she tell to her friends but her dh can’t. If the deal was not to tell to anyone before week12 because of being worried about miscarriages then she did also break the deal with her husband.

She might not want to discuss names with other people but not to do it with her husband as a punishment I think it’s a little bit too mean specially when she neither followed her own desires.

Panda81 · 31/03/2018 18:44

Just seen your threads in MN. At 10w you were considering telling one of your friends about your pregnancy. So you also were thinking about breaking that promise to him. Did he make you pay the consequences ? Why is it right for you to tell one of your friends and not him ?

Good point @DaisyLand , I've just seen this too!!

OP please can you explain this to us?

Panda81 · 31/03/2018 18:44

Bold fail!

Just seen your threads in MN. At 10w you were considering telling one of your friends about your pregnancy. So you also were thinking about breaking that promise to him. Did he make you pay the consequences ? Why is it right for you to tell one of your friends and not him ?

RockafellerSkank · 31/03/2018 19:02

OP, I empathise and do understand. But I do think you need to chill out and be more relaxed about your husband and the pregnancy.
Mine and I agreed to wait til the 20 week scan before telling anyone. At 10 weeks though, one of my friends asked me outright if I was pregnant, and rather than lie, I said yes. (I wasn't showing at all, but was complaining of the heat when it wasn't very hot at all!) DH was very understanding about it - teased me a bit, but had he freaked out, it would have spoiled things a bit. So a bit vice versa from your situation but hope it helps. It's done. He was excited. No point spoiling relations over it. Pick your battles.
I am also like you with the names and absolutely didn't want anyone knowing before she was born - I think that is fair enough. Sadly big gob DS (aged 4) told a couple of people, haha! But your baby is as much his baby as it is yours, and if he does feel the need to share, I don't think you have a right to control him. That way sadness lies.

I hope your scan goes well. Best wishes.

Gemini69 · 31/03/2018 19:52

Just seen your threads in MN. At 10w you were considering telling one of your friends about your pregnancy. So you also were thinking about breaking that promise to him. Did he make you pay the consequences? Why is it right for you to tell one of your friends and not him?

Oooh now this is interesting..... well spotted Hmm

KoshaMangsho · 31/03/2018 20:10

He binned something by accident? Huh? Or did he do it deliberately?
I know you are trying to set him up as the bad guy but he comes across as normal. Entirely normal. I have often agreed to x and then something comes along and I think, ooh I might want to go. He asked you to take his mum, didn’t order you. You could have said no. I might have asked DH as well, and said, ‘hey I really need this night out but I promised Mum. Any chance at all you could take her?’ Doesn’t make me a bad person.
Nor does blurting out some news.

What makes all this truly weird is your entirely OTT reaction.

Also you SAY you don’t care how people react but

  1. You are going on about how other people will own your pregnancy. Honestly. They might make small talk but no one cares.
  2. Your comment about the woman who told everyone the name and then no one cared about the baby is VERY telling. I would hope that even if everyone knew the name of my baby they would still celebrate his arrival. Not to do so has NOTHING to do with knowing the name beforehand.

So in fact you ARE bothered by how people receive your baby news...

LotsToThinkOf · 31/03/2018 20:28

OP, other people will care about your baby - sorry, it was badly worded. What I mean is, they won't be affected by sex/name etc.

You sound very private, and I have more sympathy after reading your second post. It's not that you begrudge his excitement it's that you just don't want to discuss your business with other people. At this point it's your body - I can understand why you were tempted to tell your friend. When thinking of it that way it's understandable. It's easier to discuss wth your own friends than a person who is a stranger to you.

But this is one of the things to consider in pregnancy, it's already involving other people. With my 1st I was self conscious and didn't want to discuss with anyone I didn't really know so on the basis of that I wouldn't have wanted DH discussing with anyone I didn't really know. With my 2nd I got it, and it wasn't about me really at all.

It's difficult OP, but try to understand he is trying to get used to things too. It isn't his body which is affected so it's hard to understand why you can't share your excitement with everyone. The name thing is a non-issue though and you need to develop thick skin and ignore opinions. Honestly, people think they can comment on a lot more than the name once you have a baby.

It'll all come right in the end, the little things won't matter so much once the baby has arrived and hopefully you'll feel more relaxed. I don't feel that your comments suggested miscarriages were anything to be ashamed of, I think they were more about how painful it would be to explain to people when grieving privately would be your preference.

lattewith3shotsplease · 31/03/2018 20:32

OP,
You feel you can no longer trust him, really ?

Your poor DH has my sympathy, you sound really OTT.

PercyPigAddict · 31/03/2018 20:38

All the people on here going "Oh, nobody else cares you're pregnant, of course you should tell everyone before the 12 week scan, and you should openly discuss names as well..." Are you new to mumsnet? Have you missed the multiple threads where (admittedly, hormonal and OTT) women are devastated because their passive aggressive friend has "stolen" the totally unique nobody's ever heard of anyone called Farrah before name they picked out for their kid? It's common sense not to tell anyone the name, if only to stop them making rude comments about how crap it is (you get far fewer comments once it's acually on the birth certificate).

As for needing support if anything does go wrong - it's a lot less painful to tell someone "I have some sad news -I was pregnant, but I lost it" than go through the process of announcing, it, everyone getting excited and then having to go around telling people you've had a miscarriage (and there's always someone who's missed the second bit of news and congratulates you, and it's horribly awkward and painful for all involved).

I totally sympathise OP. It sucks if you can't trust someone to keep their mouth shut about something (regardless of the subject) when they've agreed to it.

inamechangedforthispost · 31/03/2018 23:43

This has made The Sun.

notacooldad · 31/03/2018 23:55

You are being ridiculous.
It's his news as well.
All this talk about consequences like he is a toddler and you can't trust him? What the actual fuck! Sure it's exciting for you but most people outside your immediate family won't care that much.
Who on earth is 'owning ' your pregnancy?
Don't trust him with names? He'll fire I'd be pissed off with you if i had you as a DP.

You need to cool your jets I think!

beingsunny · 01/04/2018 00:02

You know that getting to 12 weeks doesn't guarantee everything will be ok?

I can see you are disappointed your husband told a friend but it do any actually matter.

Your second post about names makes you sounds mental, maybe it's the hormones but honestly people don't really care that much about your pregnancy or choices around it, having babies is one of life's joys and sharing awesome news is the best way to enjoy it.

NowApparently · 01/04/2018 01:27

Personally, I'd let this one go but explain how it's made you feel first of all. You need to pick your battles and frankly, it's not worth the stress when you're already anxious about your pregnancy. I was the same, it's impossible not to be anxious.

I think there should be more openness about early pregnancy. Unfortunately, 1 in 4 people will experience loss during pregnancy, why shouldn't this be discussed more openly? People suffer in silence because of the stigma we've built up around the topic of pregnancy loss when it's actually horrifyingly common when in reality it would be best to have the support of everyone around you.

issaflame · 01/04/2018 01:31

FGS Hmm

huha · 01/04/2018 01:51

Fact 1: anything can go wrong at any stage. I understand not wanting to tell EVERYONE, but having suffered 3 mc's I now understand the importance of telling some people right away.

Fact 2: names can be criticized at any stage. This happened to my SIL who didn't tell us the name of her dd until she was born. Her uncle told her (and her dad, and my DH) that her child's name sounded like that of a dog. She changed it. (Thank god).

Fair enough your DH broke his side of the bargain, YANBU there. But move on please.

TheMaddHugger · 01/04/2018 01:53

What huha said. Is Gold.

Coconutspongexo · 01/04/2018 07:42

Fair enough your DH broke his side of the bargain, YANBU there. But move on please

Except she was going to tell her mate at 10 weeks so she’s a hypocrite

PasstheStarmix · 01/04/2018 14:34

‘Why can she tell to her friends but her dh can’t. If the deal was not to tell to anyone before week12 because of being worried about miscarriages then she did also break the deal with her husband.’

Because OP’s dh’s friend was distant and not close like her friend.

LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer · 01/04/2018 14:43

Not RTFT but you are being precious and a bit ridiculous. Sorry. It's your DP's experience too. Nobody cares about your baby names or its weight. Being just a tad PFB!

RedSkyAtNight · 01/04/2018 15:10

A fairly distant friend told me she was pregnant before she told anyone else. Much like OP, she and her DH had agreed not to tell anyone until the 12 week scan, but she was desperate to talk to someone.So she picked me on the basis that I didn't "matter" and didn't know her family and better friends well enough to blab to them! Much like OP feels quite happy about spreading her news around MN ...

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