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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weddings are a bit pointless?

187 replies

RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 08:11

When I was younger I wanted a big white wedding, had lovely fantasies about walking down the aisle in something meringuey and being the centre of attention. However, the reality would have been me being absolutely terrified the entire time, not from the commitment, but from being looked at for a whole day.

I'm in my late twenties and a lot of friends are getting engaged and getting very excited about wedding things, and I just can't see the appeal.
It seems to be, for some of them, a very expensive way of being centre of attention for a day and a few friends have truly lost their minds, spending thousands and falling out with family etc.

I like the idea of marriage, but not a wedding. However most people seem to think I'm nuts.
If people genuinely want a big party, that's absolutely great and I hope they enjoy it but I just can't see how it's linked with spending the rest of your life with someone you love, rather it seems to be about putting on a good show?

Am I a huge big wedding scrooge for thinking this? I feel like a right weirdo when I read the wedding threads and see how bothered people get.

Before anyone flames me, I would never dream of putting someone down for their choices! I just simply don't "get it"

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 23/03/2018 08:16

I don't see what's pointless about having a lovely big celebration with the people you love.
People really don't stare at you all day, and if you're anything like me you're too happy to notice anyway.

Celticlassie · 23/03/2018 08:20

I think it depends - if you invite loads of second cousins, ur 'Susan from your mum's work' types I'd imagine you may feel like that, but my wedding was very small and I felt everyone there genuinely cared about us and wished us well, so didn't really mind.

Fluffyears · 23/03/2018 08:20

Well elope then it’s what we are doing. He’ll wear a kilt, I will still wear a beautiful dress. Everyone is entitled to the wedding they want if they can afford it.

Mydoghatesthebath · 23/03/2018 08:22

I don’t really get the point of the thread op.

Have the wedding you want and others have the wedding they want. Each to their own. People had big/medium/small weddings since time began. Nothing new here.

angryburd · 23/03/2018 08:22

I feel exactly the same. If I ever get married, I intend to bigger off somewhere and do it quietly, and then have a party even I come back. Because let's face it, that's the o my reason anyone actually attends a wedding!

FatBottomedGal · 23/03/2018 08:23

I think weddings have become something much bigger (in every sense of the word!) in recent years. I was the same as you and wanted a huge, beautiful wedding when I was younger, but now I’m older all I really want is the marriage at the end of it.

I think each to their own, you don't have to have a big wedding, or a wedding at all! Two of my friends eloped to NYC and had the most beautiful day - and much cheaper as well!

TheNaze73 · 23/03/2018 08:25

YANBU. If that’s personally what you think, then fair play. You can’t argue a feeling. And I happen to agree with you.

Each to their own though. Someone who wants to spend £50k on one days viewpoint, is equally as valid

claraschu · 23/03/2018 08:36

I feel the nicest weddings, are weddings that are like a best version of people's normal social life. So for me that meant make it possible for friends who can't usually come to be there (provide places for them to crash, and welcome their children). Provide lots of food and drink in a way that makes people comfortable and special, not awkwardly formal. I am not a person who is into ritual or religion, so I didn't suddenly do something very ritualistic and religious because it looks impressive. On the other hand we like traditions and things which have been around for a long time, so we used traditional words in our short ceremony. It never occurred to us to make people wear things that they hate and look hideous in- why would we do that to our friends?

If you are in a social set that enjoys evening dress, formal dining and hanging out with the Archbishop of Canterbury, by all means do a heightened version of that for your wedding.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2018 08:37

YANBU. I feel the same way. So did DH. So we eloped.

Mydoghatesthebath · 23/03/2018 08:39

Our ds got married at the church down the road. We all walked there. Back to our house/garden for afternoon tea and champers. immediate family only. Cost us £400. Beautiful.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 08:42

Maybe I'm a miserable cow but I've never gone to a wedding and felt like anyone was "celebrating their love". I they just feel like fancy parties. Admittedly, I've yet to go to a wedding of someone who I'm extra close to, like a sibling.
I've seen people put down Anniversaries, saying that it's for the couple to celebrate, not for family and friends to give gifts etc. So why is a wedding any different? Why would anyone want to involve dozens, if not hundreds, of people in something so personal?

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 23/03/2018 08:44

I agree that this thread is pointless. You can have a low key wedding with 2 witnesses or a big bash with everyone you know, or anything in between.

I had a small wedding with about 40 guests. Mostly family, with a handful of friends. Children were welcome. Although back then child free weddings weren't a thing anyway.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 08:54

I sort of agree.

However when I got married in 2003 I had a 'modest' wedding with 70 guests on a moored boat in the centre of a lovely city, served bangers and mash, all for about 6k.

I was very worried about the day and being the centre of attention. I had reportage-style wedding pics and I didn't open my wedding photos for a week because I was so worried about them. However looking back on the day, I had many many people tell me I looked beautiful, including most importantly my DH. That has never happened before or since really - but the reality was that fir one time in my life I felt beautiful and I wouldn't have missed that for the world. Maybe that makes me a bit sad? However it's a memory I treasure.

I've been to plenty of weddings since and most have been very tasteful and genuine fun. In fact most have been quite small. One friend got married at local registry office then 10 of her friends went down the pier for fish and chips! Lush. Unfortunately it wasn't a happy marriage though. I think the wedding doesn't equal how serious/happy the marriage will be.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 08:56

You sound jealous, sorry.

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest · 23/03/2018 08:58

Any celebration is pointless if that's your view.

Birthdays, babies, anniversaries, new job, graduations....

Some people like a fuss, others don't.

reddressblueshoes · 23/03/2018 08:59

See, there's marriage as a contract between two people who are in love, and then there's the concept of marriage as uniting two families or creating a new one.

For us, the ceremony part was very meaningful, and the celebration was a way to let people know that we saw them as a close part of our new official joint life. For some of them, it will have been meaningful, for others, a (hopefully nice) party.

I didn't really enjoy bits of it- not so much the centre of attention thing as that didn't feel like it was an issue aside from maybe walking down the aisle, but making sure it was all going ok and that we'd talked to everyone and thanked them was quite a lot of pressure especially as many people had travelled. But that was ok- as far as we were concerned, the marriage and ceremony was mostly for us, the party was mostly for everyone else.

We had a reasonably big wedding because we both have large immediate families and have lived in a number of different places with different friendship groups we wanted to invite. But I've been to v moving small weddings with 20 or fewer people where we were all v close to the bride and groom and all shared this thrilled feeling we were part of something big and special.

I think the reason people can get caught up in wedding planning is it's really hard to please so many different groups you never normally have in one room- your friends, elderly relatives, parents- and it's amazing the level of detail you're required to make a decision on. It's not all about having a dream of being a princess.

ethelfleda · 23/03/2018 09:01

YABU
My wedding day truly was the happiest day of my life and we didn't spend a fortune. Only invited people we cared about and it was lovely to have everyone in the same place all day. It was a very, very happy occasion

HollyBayTree · 23/03/2018 09:02

I shall ask because it's Friday and I've had enough of this week!

Op - all your mates getting married and you aren't ? Is that the problem? pop on the old cyber couch and let us noodle proble you and get to the root of your miserableness!

theunsure · 23/03/2018 09:03

Yes, personally I hate weddings. Completely and utter waste of money. But I am very happy for other people to do as they wish, if it makes them happy then that is good. I go to lots of weddings to celebrate with people, but had no wish to do it like that myself.

I got married with just DH - no guests at all. It was lovely and I am so glad I am married. But I didn't want a traditional wedding so I didn't have one. my parents have almost got over it

Mookatron · 23/03/2018 09:03

A really good sermon at a wedding I went to once talked about how the act of marriage is performed by the couple's families and friends - like an agreement to see them as married, and to celebrate it. That's the point of a big wedding.

I love weddings though. I was never bothered about my own 'special day' much but I love other people's weddings!

EasterBunBun · 23/03/2018 09:04

My daughter is getting married this year and it is becoming much more of an occasion than anyone expected. We are quite low key people and she is quite reticent, but is marrying someone with lots of family and who do celebrations with a capital C . It has been a good thing - knocked us out of our quiet comfort zone a bit and we are looking forward to meeting his side, the couple's friends - only some of whom we know -, our smaller family contingent that we never get to see together and old family friends. It is going to be a marvellous mix of people and I am looking forward to it as a major family milestone event.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 23/03/2018 09:09

Some people like parties and fuss, some don't. Both are perfect okay and neither side has to understand the other, as long as they don't judge. Do what you like yourself, but nod and smile along with your friends' joy in what they're doing. You can be happy that they're happy without understanding it.

Bluelady · 23/03/2018 09:09

I think what you're saying is that it's not about the wedding, it's abut the marriage. And nobody in their right mind would disagree with you. But a wedding is about uniting two people and their families as well. It's lovely to see two people you love making a public statement of their commitment.

GnomeDePlume · 23/03/2018 09:09

YANBU

There was an interesting article on the BBC website by someone who, a few years down the line, regretted spending £50k on her wedding.

She talked about how the desire to have a perfect wedding had just taken over. At the time they had started planning they were in fine financial health with good jobs. A redundancy out of the blue, then children and in hindsight the cost of the wedding looked unnecessary.

TheViceOfReason · 23/03/2018 09:10

YANBU to have your own opinions and do whatever works for you.

YABU to put down those who choose to have a big wedding.

Do what you want. How on earth can you be unreasonable for having your own opinion? It's hardly uncommon that people choose not to get married or just have a small ceremony either.