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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weddings are a bit pointless?

187 replies

RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 08:11

When I was younger I wanted a big white wedding, had lovely fantasies about walking down the aisle in something meringuey and being the centre of attention. However, the reality would have been me being absolutely terrified the entire time, not from the commitment, but from being looked at for a whole day.

I'm in my late twenties and a lot of friends are getting engaged and getting very excited about wedding things, and I just can't see the appeal.
It seems to be, for some of them, a very expensive way of being centre of attention for a day and a few friends have truly lost their minds, spending thousands and falling out with family etc.

I like the idea of marriage, but not a wedding. However most people seem to think I'm nuts.
If people genuinely want a big party, that's absolutely great and I hope they enjoy it but I just can't see how it's linked with spending the rest of your life with someone you love, rather it seems to be about putting on a good show?

Am I a huge big wedding scrooge for thinking this? I feel like a right weirdo when I read the wedding threads and see how bothered people get.

Before anyone flames me, I would never dream of putting someone down for their choices! I just simply don't "get it"

OP posts:
Original poster
RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 12:19

I don't, I mean weddings in general. I have never once said I begrudge anyone a wedding, but when the point is to get married - I don't see why anyone else needs to be involved bar the couple.

OP posts:
Scribblegirl · 23/03/2018 12:21

Completely with Yorick!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2018 12:29

I agree the eye watering expense,the convoluted invites,and drama about seating plans all utter rubbish
Contrary to what folk say,and you read on mn,there are many types of wedding
Chose how you’d like your wedding to be. Don’t get bogged down in etiquette and right thing

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 12:33

I don't see why anyone else needs to be involved bar the couple.

Then when you get married, you can have a registry affair with just you, your husband, the registrar and two witnesses. Job done.

Why do you think anyone else would feel the need to start a sneery thread about how pointless they would find that?

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 12:35

I don't see why anyone else needs to be involved bar the couple.

And to add, as someone who committed the heinous crime of having guests....because I was happy, and it was a celebration, and I wanted friends and family I love to be around me and then all have a party. My wedding photos show lots of people smiling, laughing and being happy.

And similarly, when people I love get married, I love being there to watch it and help celebrate it. And I love getting fed, wined and having an opportunity to wear a pretty dress and enjoy a dance. Weddings, when they're much wanted by both people, make me happy.

So there.

LagunaBubbles · 23/03/2018 12:39

but when the point is to get married - I don't see why anyone else needs to be involved bar the couple.

Because life is short. I make the most of celebrations I can have. There arent many opportunities to get together with friends and family like a wedding. I wanted them there.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 12:41

I'm really very introverted

AAAAAAAH. I missed this update. You're one of those people. It all makes sense now.

All you need to know is that there's nothing wrong with people doing things differently to you (no, REALLY), even if you are An Introvert. Whether you see the point or not doesn't matter. You have the wedding you want, others have the wedding they want, the sacred Introverts are puzzled and bemused and mildly offended, and all is right with the world.

Curtain.

PNGirl · 23/03/2018 12:42

My wedding is very fondly remembered by the family who attended for a few reasons.
I got married in 2010 with 3 of our grandparents and my aunt in attendance. It was a lovely opportunity for DH's granddad to meet mine, and for my aunt to see relatives she rarely saw because we are spread out and she didn't drive. All 4 of them had died within 3 years. My in-laws and my parents helped me in planning a really lovely day and they're now friends who go on holiday together.

Just offering up a reason why some people do have them - in families that don't have drama because they rarely see each other anyway, they can be great for family relations.

PNGirl · 23/03/2018 12:43

Otherwise I'd literally only see some of my relatives at funerals!

RoryHatesCoffee · 23/03/2018 12:46

My husband and I both hate being centre of attention. We didn't have a first dance, weren't 'announced' coming into the main meal but walked in with everyone else, didn't have a top table but sat amongst the guests etc to avoid this as much as possible.

I understand your point but it's probably the only time other than your funeral when all your favourite people will come together and make the effort to be in the same place. I was terrified for months in advance but it was without doubt the most fun day I could ever possibly have had.

LoveInTokyo · 23/03/2018 12:47

We are from different countries and we have family across three different continents and I’m really looking forward to the one day in our lives where we get to be with essentially all of our friends and family at the same time.

Bubba1234 · 23/03/2018 12:48

I’m Irish so people are very very materialistic & traditional.
The couple thinks oh everyone here is celebrating our love. The guests it’s an excuse for a day of drinking.
Mine was tiny & so non traditional ( non catholic didn’t spend thousands) I was unable to tell people they would have been horrified at my decision.
I was actually told what do to by some family members where to get married what church etc.
It was way way easier to just get married without all the pressure from people I was able to enjoy my day heck I
Was even
Allowed to choose what I wanted it was surreal. It was the best most relaxing day ever.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 12:48

Y'know, I know a few people who I do believe are genuinely introverted and I swear they don't find life as puzzling as the MN species. There are certain personal choices they would or wouldn't make surrounding life events or other matters, but they really don't seem to have difficulty grasping the concept that others feel differently and it takes all sorts. I've seen them at weddings (they were very nice to be around) and they didn't seem to be unduly confused or offended about what was going on and why. Sometimes they even danced.

YoloSwaggins · 23/03/2018 12:49

What's not to love? It's a great reason to get all your family and friends in one place and throw them a great big party. 40k seems ridiculous (unless you're loaded) but we are doing ours for around 9k and it's the only time in my life we will have ALL the family in the same place. It's just exciting. By any chance are you not a fan of parties OP?

FinallyHere · 23/03/2018 12:56

@RedSuitcase

I agree with you absolutely, though no one would ever call me an introvert. I was put off weddings partly from seeing my parent's very traditional roles, which i refused to get stuck in. It felt as if so long as i was not married, i could negotiate the type of relationship i really wanted. I also wasn't keen on the whole pink, princess, tiara image i had got of weddings.

It was realising what inheritance tax would do, when the first of us died that finally persuaded me to get married, along with getting to know DH well enough to do that he was not the type to expect his slippers to be warmed.

Our wedding was effectively a party. I started the process of ordered food, drinks, flowers, entertainment, hair and makeup, everything saying it was for a family event, which what it ended up. We are hospitable and enjoy entertaining, it was lovely to have a hugh party, with everyone there, and someone to do all the work. I loved it, but apart from the 20mins ceremony when we did the vows and signed the register, it was a party.

I would do it again, if i had money to burn. When i visit a new venue, I always ask myself, would i have preferred to use this venue.... Mostly, though, as my elder step son advised us from his great experience, we we announced that we were getting married, it's your day, do it the way you want to. 😀

Biscwit · 23/03/2018 12:57

I feel the same however I still had a big wedding as it’s what my husband wanted and I love him enough to do it! Being out of my comfort zone for 1 day really isn’t the worst thing in the world and I ended up enjoying it in the end! However if I’d married someone who also didn’t want a big wedding then I’m sure we’d had a smaller wedding and be just as happy. Your feelings regarding weddings really are not that unusual

FinallyHere · 23/03/2018 12:57

@RoryHatesCoffee good point, would you rather that your funeral is the next time all your friends and family get together?

Biscwit · 23/03/2018 13:00

Also lots of people change their mind on how they envisaged their wedding day once they start planning. Having a big celebration of your love with your friends and family is a lovely thing to do!

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 13:08

Also lots of people change their mind on how they envisaged their wedding day once they start planning.

Yep, I think this is true. It wasn't until I got to planning my wedding that I realised I was super happy about it and I wanted to look back on it happily. So yes, that did mean, for example, wearing a wedding dress because I wanted to remember feeling special. And it meant not getting a dress that made me look like the Titanic, just because it was cheaper and God forbid I spend money.

We ended up having a larger wedding than we'd have liked ideally because both of us have enormous families. That's just how it is. But everyone was either glad to be there or did a very good job of pretending, and I'm smiling even as I type this when I think back on it. It may be only one day, but it's an experience I hope to look back on happily for the rest of my life.

Miserablemouse · 23/03/2018 13:14

I LOVE going to weddings. I love that the couple value me/us enough as family/friends to want us to share their day. Weddings are about families - and I don't mean just your blood. It's about bringing together the people you love.

We had a fairly big wedding (not mega expensive) but it was completely drama free because I'm too lazy for stress and drama. Everyone in the room was there because they were important to us, we loved them and they had played a big part in our lives. They were told this by both me and my husband in our speeches.

I can completely see why some people wouldn't want so many people, and that's why a lot of people have smaller weddings or elope, but to say it's pointless is just really odd. I have never felt that attending someone else's wedding was pointless and I sincerely hope nobody felt that way about attending mine.

If you think weddings are pointless for you just don't have the big party if/when you do it, have the day you want. If you think all weddings are pointless then simply RSVP no to any you're invited to.

EasterBunBun · 23/03/2018 13:31

starlightmeteorite

I may have not have expressed properly about my daughter's grander than expected wedding. She isn't being railroaded at all - she is making the decisions, but has just surprised us with with enjoying being the centre of attention, rather than her previous diffident self. The dress she has chosen was the first indication ! I see it positively, as a sign of self confidence, and we are happy to foot the bill.

HadronCollider · 23/03/2018 13:52

But when one watches those programs where brides-to-be become ridiculously anal to the point of falling out with people, then my obersvation is that its more about the wedding, and being pseudo 'princess' for the day which I really don't get when you become a grown woman. Sometimes people say things like ever since I was 6 years old, I dreamed that my wedding dress would look like so and so, and everything would be so and so. Then they end up spending loads and borrowing to achieve a childhood fantasy.

I also really do not get the 'we live together, have kids together, house together, love to be married, but can't afford it'. At that point, what is it really about?

I have been to huge weddings, some nicer than others, my godmother had twenty wedding cakes( !) and I find unless the extended family is huge they are often filled with people who you never see again, rarely keep in touch and go for the party.

Biscwit · 23/03/2018 14:08

HadronCollider

I don’t think the weddings of people who apply to be on reality tv programmes are a good representation of your average bride/wedding. Obviously they will include arguments/drama, that’s what makes them entertaining!

expatinscotland · 23/03/2018 14:13

I'm with you Rafflesway and Bluelady. So many threads on here, 'Can't afford to get married' usually from people who can't not afford to get married, there's usually kids involved and the woman has jacked in her job to be a SAHP. Or the whole 'We're getting married in 2030 when the kids will be 20 because we can't afford a wedding.'

Then such weddings are usually the ones that have the ol' 'Buy us a honeymoon' requests.

HadronCollider · 23/03/2018 14:18

Yeah that's a valid point Biscwit fairenuff.

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