To think weddings are a bit pointless?

[RedSuitcase]

When I was younger I wanted a big white wedding, had lovely fantasies about walking down the aisle in something meringuey and being the centre of attention. However, the reality would have been me being absolutely terrified the entire time, not from the commitment, but from being looked at for a whole day.

I'm in my late twenties and a lot of friends are getting engaged and getting very excited about wedding things, and I just can't see the appeal.
It seems to be, for some of them, a very expensive way of being centre of attention for a day and a few friends have truly lost their minds, spending thousands and falling out with family etc.

I like the idea of marriage, but not a wedding. However most people seem to think I'm nuts.
If people genuinely want a big party, that's absolutely great and I hope they enjoy it but I just can't see how it's linked with spending the rest of your life with someone you love, rather it seems to be about putting on a good show?

Am I a huge big wedding scrooge for thinking this? I feel like a right weirdo when I read the wedding threads and see how bothered people get.

Before anyone flames me, I would never dream of putting someone down for their choices! I just simply don't "get it"

Op I agree with you. Cant think of much I'd rather do less. If I wanted to marry it would be with no guests, so just a quick service. have always felt like that. Dont judge anyone else doing it though, its all personal preferance.

I agree entirely. I also think marriage is a bit pointless but if DP ever proposes he knows that I would just want to do it down the registry office with our mums and call it a day.

I completely agree with everything you said in your OP.

However when I say this to people in real life they look at me like I'm mad.

I'd HATE the attention all day. But many women love it.

FWIW my brother is getting married in a couple of weeks time. His soon to be wife is on mat leave and will be for the foreseeable future. So only 1 income (teacher's wage). 2 kids. They're spending 10 grand on a wedding. I do not see the point, I really don't!!! Not this year anyway.

That’s madness Halfwit.

"don't see the point of marriage"

Unless you are financially in dependent and have a will and other watertight legal stuff put into place marriage is not pointless at all.

Cohabiting vs marriage: Six ways your rights differ:

1. If one cohabiting partner dies without leaving a will, the surviving partner will not automatically inherit anything - unless the couple jointly own property. A married partner would inherit all or some of the estate
2. An unmarried partner who stays at home to care for children cannot make any claims in their own right for property, maintenance or pension-sharing
3. Cohabiting partners cannot access their partner's bank account if they die - whereas married couples may be allowed to withdraw the balance providing the amount is small
4. An unmarried couple can separate without going to court, but married couples need to go to a court and get divorced to end the marriage formally
5. Cohabiting couples are not legally obliged to support each other financially, but married partners have a legal duty to support each other
6. If you are the unmarried partner of a tenant, you have no rights to stay in the accommodation if you are asked to leave - but each married partner has the right to live in the "matrimonial home"

Some weddings do seem to be a bit competitive and show off these days which is sad. I agree it should be about what the couple want to do rather than anyone else. So whatever floats your boat really. Personally a huge wedding fills me with horror I’d rather elope and save myself a lot of stress

I respect your opinion OP.
But to me, my wedding had a very big point. It cemented our families, it celebrated our relationship, it gave me and DD security, it was a joyous day, full of happiness for all (I believe) our guests. It was an excuse for 7 relatives to visit the UK.
It was a mid range wedding, costing around £8k.
Now to me, Big fancy cars, designer clothes, smoking, iPhone 10s etc are pointless. But others enjoy them so I don't judge.

For me it was a very personal private thing to say my vows with OH and I would have much preferred to elope but felt we had to have a wedding (though it was small for family's sake, totally understand though OP. I don't get it and think it's a total waste of money. Our wedding cost about 1K for 20 people...

I think if two people want to get married, that's fine.

Spending 50k on one day and having the stress of organising it is something I really don't get.

I just don't understand how the average couple find that sort if money. Can anyone fill me in?

The only people I know who spent more than about £10k weren't paying for it all themselves, apart from someone I know who was a CEO.

What an odd post. Really if you don’t want a wedding that’s fine, but it does sound a bit like sour grapes.

I totally agree OP. I've always found weddings unutterably naff, to be honest. The whole "my special day" concept seems princessy and spoilt to me. I find the obsession with trivial details into which people work themselves up into a lather unspeakably dull -- I couldn't care less about the colour schemes of people's table decorations or their bridesmaid's dresses.

I enjoy going to other people's weddings very much, particularly when I know and love them. But I can't think of much worse than being a bride in the traditional sense.

I agree with PinotMwah about the obsession with the unimportant stuff. Guests don't care about matching chair covers, favours, decor etc. They need to be fed and watered in comfortable surroundings.

I remember feeling so cold at one wedding reception that everyone kept their coats on, and we left early.

Reading your post got me thinking about my own wedding back in 1999. I agree with PNgirl who talked about families getting together. My family are quite scattered, but we all came together - met many of the next generation who had just been born (lots of babies and small children) and of course it was a chance for both families (mine and DH’s) to get together and meet each other as well as all our friends. So while it was a huge party on the face of it, it was so much more than that. Far from causing family fall-outs it brought everyone together (With a twitch upon the thread for anyone who has read Brideshead Revisited). As PNgirl also points out, now we are all married the only time we have big get togethers is for funerals (until the youngsters start getting married). My wedding cost far more than my honeymoon which was a fairly modest affair - I would have considered an OTT honeymoon a far greater extravagance and self-indulgence. Of course the greatest self-indulgence of all are the OTT hen nights of the kind discussed in a thread earlier this week where guests are expected pay to attend. With a wedding you don’t expect people to pay for the privilege which is why they are generally quite expensive to host.

I absolutely hate weddings and everything about them. Every single wedding I've been to has been all about the dress, the cake, the flowers and whatever other genetic copycat traditions the Bridezillas are competing with each other over. Nothing like a celebration of love, just an excuse to get pissed and spend a shit load of money.

Out of 11 wedding I've been to in the last 3 years, five of the couples have already separated/divorced and they all spend at least 10k. Three out of five of those couples spent that on their weddings without having a deposit for their own home. Nuts.

I just wonder why people want to be the same as everyone else. The big white dresses that cost thousands just for a couple of hours wear. Why? They look so tacky! Holding some flowers. Why? Because everyone else does? Generic cakes, favours, bridesmaids in dresses they'll never wear again, men uncomfortable in suits and waistcoats and top hats when they'd usually wear jeans. It all looks so tacky and try hard. Also, hardly any of these people are religious, yet have religious ceremonies. Bizarre.

I'm so glad that some people are breaking away from this and doing things that are for them, rather than showing off. I went to a lovely wedding recently where the bride wore a flowery dress, the groom was in jeans and a shirt and we sat round a campfire with a guitar, fish and chips and beers. It was them.

Oh and before anyone says I'm jealous, I'm really not 😂 A wedding like that would be my worst nightmare. DH and I had 8 guests and an amazing day that had nothing to do with weddings.

I love going to weddings. And if I was going to have one, which I am never going to it would be huge.Can't see the point if you don't have a massive party.

I'm so glad that some people are breaking away from this and doing things that are for them, rather than showing off. I went to a lovely wedding recently where the bride wore a flowery dress, the groom was in jeans and a shirt and we sat round a campfire with a guitar, fish and chips and beers. It was them. Yes but it's not me or many other people. Some people can afford a flash car and enjoy driving it others prefer driving an old banger. It's not a question of morality.

I love weddings! But then I love dressing up for formal dos and love the ceremony as well. (I'm CofE)
we're having a modest but kind of "normal" wedding. Costing 12k but our families have given us over half of that. 120 guests but I genuinely struggled to narrow "my half" down to 60. I have 2nd cousins I like and see, and they would bring the family up to 45!
I'm not looking forward to being the centre of attention though, wish I could be a guest lol, we're not doing a first dance!

It's not a question of morality No but surely it should be one of commonsense? Would I respect someone who can only afford an old banger borrowing to buy a flash car because 'they always dreamed it would be that way?'

Why not Bertrand?

Horrible to compare someone's choice of wedding to "an old banger"

I shared your opinion for ages but then I had a big wedding and it was the best day of my life. Wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

I can't imagine the utter conceit of going to someone else's wedding and thinking it's actually all about you. That whatever the bride and groom chose to do, they did it to try to inspire admiration or envy in you, as opposed to simply having the do they liked. You people must need a plus one for your ego alone.

I also can't imagine being so utterly empty and shallow that you use weddings as a basis for morality. If others are using their expensive weddings to appear 'better', isn't that exactly what you're trying to do when you deride them for it?

Either weddings are totally meaningless, in which case your three guests in a wheelie bin says nothing about you or your union, or they do actually mean something, in which case you're a twat if you can't accept that people like to celebrate in different ways. You can't have it both ways - that they're only shallow and awful if you don't personally like them.

There is something really ugly and mean spirited about sneering at people's weddings and effectively wishing divorce or at least lesser happiness on them as punishment if they spent more than you did. I can't imagine that level of hatefulness.

"Why not Bertrand?"

Because I think marriage is an outdated patriarchal concept deeply rooted in misogyny.

(You did ask!)