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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weddings are a bit pointless?

187 replies

RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 08:11

When I was younger I wanted a big white wedding, had lovely fantasies about walking down the aisle in something meringuey and being the centre of attention. However, the reality would have been me being absolutely terrified the entire time, not from the commitment, but from being looked at for a whole day.

I'm in my late twenties and a lot of friends are getting engaged and getting very excited about wedding things, and I just can't see the appeal.
It seems to be, for some of them, a very expensive way of being centre of attention for a day and a few friends have truly lost their minds, spending thousands and falling out with family etc.

I like the idea of marriage, but not a wedding. However most people seem to think I'm nuts.
If people genuinely want a big party, that's absolutely great and I hope they enjoy it but I just can't see how it's linked with spending the rest of your life with someone you love, rather it seems to be about putting on a good show?

Am I a huge big wedding scrooge for thinking this? I feel like a right weirdo when I read the wedding threads and see how bothered people get.

Before anyone flames me, I would never dream of putting someone down for their choices! I just simply don't "get it"

OP posts:
Original poster
RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 09:39

I think people are projecting their in stuff on here. I'm not judging anyone at their wedding, I just don't get the motivation to spend huge amounts of money on what is basically a party, but with more rules.

If anything, I feel like I'm missing out on something. But I couldn't imagine why anyone other than DP would give a toss about my "vows" to live them forever, it all seems like a bit of a show.
I'm not jealous of my friends having weddings, I'm a little jealous that they WANT to I guess.

OP posts:
Justanotherzombie · 23/03/2018 09:40

It depends on the people involved I think. For me, I did feel a bit shy and overwhelmed at first on my wedding day but in the end I was blown away by the goodwill everyone had for us and the lengths people went to to attend and cheer us on. But we don't have anyone who would argue or fall out with family over wedding triviality among our friends and family.

It was a great and unique day for us. Really special, more than I expected.

MrsPreston11 · 23/03/2018 09:41

Each to their own. If you don't want one, don't have one. But I adore weddings.

Our wedding was incredible and I couldn't wait to marry my DH.

Almost 10 years later and still feel the same about the wedding, just a perfect day. We also love going to weddings as it brings all the magic back, they're such a special day and it's wonderful to be a part of people's happy times.

LagunaBubbles · 23/03/2018 09:43

The interference by some that the big, massive wedding means a less successful marriage than a small, intimate affair is a bit off

Totally agree with this, there can be such a nasty judgmental attitude here on MN to weddings, the lower key and smaller the better as far as some people are concerned. And thats fine if thats what they want. But to imply people just want a "big showy day" and arent as interested in the marriage as people who run off and elope for example is nonsense. There is miles of different weddings between a basic elopment and no guests to a £50 K wedding. If people want to spend money on a lovely wedding day that they want surrounded by the people they care about the most then theres nothing wrong with that.

I find it really excruciating that people are so attention seeking and egotistical that they insist on making everyone join in with their speshul day bollocks

There is nothing attention seeking and egotistical about wanting to celebrate with people you care about.

wildduckhunt · 23/03/2018 09:45

There is nothing attention seeking and egotistical about wanting to celebrate with people you care about

People really care about their parents' and ILs' extended friends lists and Sharon from the office enough to want to pay for them to bump up the numbers at an evening reception? Fair enough.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/03/2018 09:45

I'm with you OP. Weddings are more about show now.

Jaygee61 · 23/03/2018 09:46

We had a traditional wedding in 1990. Still happily married. Meant and means a lot to me because we weren't living together and it really was the start of a new life.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/03/2018 09:47

I had my wedding at a registry office with two witnesses. Its not that important to me. I had a simple meal after it. I have been married now for 30 years.

Rafflesway · 23/03/2018 09:48

I know I will sound very old fashioned but in my day - 70's wedding - you were excited about the wedding because that's when you set up home and started living as a couple. (Although probably very different in London!). I can vividly recall being excited about our wedding day but much more excited about starting our new lives afterwards.

Absolutely no-one we knew lived together before getting married, (Although they still had sex of course.). You would have been considered VERY brazen to "Live over the brush." Of course all that has changed now but it has - IMO - changed the whole concept of the wedding itself which in a way I find quite sad.

I do find it mystifying spending huge amounts on a wedding when couples have lived together for years and often already have DC but then again it's none of my business. People are entitled to spend their money as they choose.

LagunaBubbles · 23/03/2018 09:48

People really care about their parents' and ILs' extended friends lists and Sharon from the office enough to want to pay for them to bump up the numbers at an evening reception? Fair enough

Well everyones different I guess. All the people I invited to the whole wedding were my closest friends and family. People I invited to the evening reception I wanted there to, nothing to do with "bumping" up numbers at all. Its quite common in Scotland to do invites like this.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 23/03/2018 09:52

YANBU OP. I didn't have a big fancy wedding, just a hotel affair with about 70 guests but it was big to me, I sort of got talked into it by everyone else and part of me thought that I might enjoy it if I tried it.
I didn't. I hated everyone staring at me, was all hot and bothered and look a sweaty mess in the photos. Looking back it was a massive waste of money and I do wish we'd done something private and simple.
I wanted to be married as I wanted to start a family, the wedding was a means to an end but I'd never do it again.

I would highly recommend a honeymoon though! Wink

SpikeGilesSandwich · 23/03/2018 09:54

That's just my experience though, I'm sure many people enjoy their weddings a lot and it is worth it to them.
Each to their own, do what works for you and don't get pushed into something you aren't comfortable with just because you think you should.

Vitalogy · 23/03/2018 09:55

I don't mind the idea of getting married so much as I get older this is getting less appealing though but the big white wedding has never appealed to me either. These are some of the games us humans play, so they can get on with their thing and I'll get on with mine.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/03/2018 09:57

I hear you, OP. I don't judge anyone for having a big do with all the trimmings, it just wasn't for me. There were just four of us at my wedding and I wouldn't do it any differently nearly 40 years on.

Fortunately there are now lots of different options for getting married that don't follow the traditional form.

Enjoy your friends' and family's weddings in whatever way they choose to celebrate them and do your own thing when it's your turn. Smile

MadeleineMaxwell · 23/03/2018 09:59

We did our wedding for about 5k and 50 guests. We didn't follow any rules apart from the legalities (no bloody cheesy disco!).

Weddings are public affairs because they grant legal rights. It can't just be two people by themselves because they need to be officiated and witnessed. So 5 people minimum. Anything over and above that is down to the couple.

I loved having my friends and family around me when I made a meaningful commitment to DH. It was a nice, intimate, cosy, relaxed day. If we'd done the inviting everyone you've ever nodded at and all your mum's friends from work thing, it would have been a different story.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 23/03/2018 10:00

You can think it's pointless for you, and you have every right to do so and nobody else gets to correct you. You can't make that call for someone else.

HadronCollider · 23/03/2018 10:07

Right on your wavelength OP. I think a lot of the time its about the wedding not the marriage, hence the strange conundrum of 'love each other to bits/already have a couple of kids but "can't afford to get marriedConfused"

The80sweregreat · 23/03/2018 10:17

I didnt live with dh before marriage, that was frowned upon by all the families involved. Most of my other relatives did live together first in the 90s - it was more acceptable by then
. Its the big hen and stag dos that fasinate me though, they seem to be more lavish than the actual day and involve lots of things that seem to cost loads. I tend to hear more about these than the actual wedding.

Ragwort · 23/03/2018 10:23

Personally I agree and what I really find 'tacky' (and yes, I am judging) is people who clearly can't afford a massive wedding, have one anyway and then get into huge debts.

I don't enjoy attending weddings, fortunately I am not invited to many at my age but I always found them rather pointless - I would hate my DS to want a big, fancy wedding, but I would put on a gritted smile for his sake if that is what he wanted.

Both Grin my weddings were very, very small - yes, I wanted to be married but no need to make it into a social occasion.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 10:23

So OP you're not talking about wedding per se, you mean big out of control weddings that have traditional rules.

I gad a civil wedding, not mad or over the top. I didn't have a top table or a first dance because we didn't want one. We didn't even have official photos.

Each to their own.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 10:23

So OP you're not talking about wedding per se, you mean big out of control weddings that have traditional rules.

I gad a civil wedding, not mad or over the top. I didn't have a top table or a first dance because we didn't want one. We didn't even have official photos.

Each to their own.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 10:23

So OP you're not talking about wedding per se, you mean big out of control weddings that have traditional rules.

I gad a civil wedding, not mad or over the top. I didn't have a top table or a first dance because we didn't want one. We didn't even have official photos.

Each to their own.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 10:24

God, sorry that posted 3 times. My lying phone told it didn't post at all Hmm

user1494409994 · 23/03/2018 10:31

I'm celebrating my 10th anniversary today. We had 70 guests and got married in the church I had been attending since I was 3. It was a lovely, relaxed service, a nice dinner with close family and friends and some dancing afterwards. At the end of the day my dad said it was one of the best weddings he'd attended which was a massive compliment. Despite being formal attire, it was a very relaxed and chilled day. Even the staff at the reception commented that I was the most relaxed bride ever. I spent most of the day laughing with my loved ones.

Spikeyball · 23/03/2018 10:33

We had a 'traditional' big family wedding because that was what was expected - it was the wedding that most people we knew had in the 90's. I liked it well enough but it isn't what I would choose now. I would still like everyone there but I would choose a more casual party rather than a formal meal and speeches.