To think weddings are a bit pointless?

[RedSuitcase]

When I was younger I wanted a big white wedding, had lovely fantasies about walking down the aisle in something meringuey and being the centre of attention. However, the reality would have been me being absolutely terrified the entire time, not from the commitment, but from being looked at for a whole day.

I'm in my late twenties and a lot of friends are getting engaged and getting very excited about wedding things, and I just can't see the appeal.
It seems to be, for some of them, a very expensive way of being centre of attention for a day and a few friends have truly lost their minds, spending thousands and falling out with family etc.

I like the idea of marriage, but not a wedding. However most people seem to think I'm nuts.
If people genuinely want a big party, that's absolutely great and I hope they enjoy it but I just can't see how it's linked with spending the rest of your life with someone you love, rather it seems to be about putting on a good show?

Am I a huge big wedding scrooge for thinking this? I feel like a right weirdo when I read the wedding threads and see how bothered people get.

Before anyone flames me, I would never dream of putting someone down for their choices! I just simply don't "get it"

Yep, completely boring, huge waste of money.

Easter I was like your dd and got rail roaded into a much bigger wedding than I wanted. I still resent it. I felt uncomfortable on the day, and would have rather spent the money on something I valued. I think it was instrumental in the rather rapid breakdown of the marriage. I realised he didn't know or understand me, and didn't actually care about what I wanted. It was all about him and his family.

Might be worth a quiet word with your dd to check this is actually what she wants, and not something she is ging along with to keep her fiance happy.

I hate weddings too. I've had both, the huge country house affair which sadly ended in divorce and second time round eloped and got married abroad. First time round it was a blur, could barely remember it. I felt I had to have a big wedding as I'm an only daughter and it's what my parents wanted for me (they paid for the entire thing). Second time round was an amazing, fun day.

I had a friend who was bridesmaid 6 times to her sisters and friends.

She said she just hated weddings. So when she and her now dh wanted to get married they went and found a tiny church in the lake district. They only invited his parents and her parents (mind you it took a lot to insist that the sisters and partners and kids didn't all turn up). She didn't wear a 'wedding' dress either.
they had a very simple quiet ceremony, and then had a lvely lunch in a hotel, with just the 6 of them.

About 2 weeks later they had a celebration party. Just a big party really, at her parents house which had loads of room, they had a little jazz band and nibbles and we had a reallt=y nice evening, they went round and talked to all their friends, without the whole centre of attention thing.

I thought it was brilliant actually.

I know quite a few people who have decided not to follow tradition, another one I liked was church ceremony for whoever wanted to come (massive open invite) follwed by wedding cake ad a glass of champange. then couple left and went on to a very small wedding breakfast, just close family, at a restaurant. Really close initmate setting, that was lovely.

I've been to two ridiculously over the top weddings, and also to two very low budget quirky ones - basically registry office followed by everyone bring a bottle and a dish for a picnic level. Guess which two couples are still married and which two aren't?

I agree. I had a wedding because my husband wanted it and it was nice but if he wasn't bothered I wouldn't have either. I only go to weddings of vvv close friends.

YANBU. Good thing is, weddings are optional (even if you get married, which is also optional).

I'm with you. When I married DH we deliberately organised a tiny "non-wedding" as I called it. We had a registry office ceremony with our immediate families, dressed nicely but not formal like a normal wedding, and then a pub lunch afterwards. We got the kids ready together in the morning, drove down together in our own car and it was done and dusted by tea time.

Posters who say 'this thread is pointless' just walk away then. If there's any intolerance I see it in those that try to shut down conversation. Others are allowed to explore their feelings without being insulted especially when those feelings are apparently at odds with the rest of society.

I don't 'get' weddings either but in other ways my life is v. conventional (kids, v. longterm partner, job etc. etc.). Have been asked for marriage a couple of times over the course of my life, always said no. Don't want a wedding, don't see the point of marriage -- you either stay with someone or you don't.

I dread going to other people's weddings. I'm pleased for the married couple of course, but at the wedding I feel like a tourist in an alien culture - I don't 'feel it' and for that reason I often leave feeling a bit lonely.

I can see your point of view, i was a bit railroaded into inviting relatives and people i havent seen much of since. i did want a proper wedding , but it was hi jacked by family and i would do it all differently if i ever got married again.
I think they are bigger now as the bit beforehand is all about the hens and the stags and doing all manner of things that we just didnt do in the 80s., so this tends to add to the cost/ organisation. i just went up the pub for my hen do for example.
they do seem more stressful these days ( from reading threads on here they do seem to provide a lot of falling out)

I do think really big weddings are a bit silly. But I know not everyone does. I understand that some people like (to have) them, but I can't see why so many people would genuinely like them. I would personally imagine the ratio of 'I really want all of this' to 'eh, idk, it's what you do I suppose' is at least 1:10.

But I'm an old married woman. Let the young ones have their fun. Although when I was young I actually wanted to get married on a lovely beach. *wanders off down memory lane...

We are having a big wedding because we have big families and lots of friends. It's not necessarily 'fancy' but due to numbers we are spending quite a bit on it.

Yes, we could do it smaller. But we are in the privileged position of having 100 friends and family who genuinely care about us and love us and we are so grateful for the support. We want to thank them, and have a bloody good time while we're at it.

By your logic there's no point in spending anything on anything other than the basics that keep us alive. As my dad always says about money - you can't take it with you!

Traditionally, there were three big events in life: hatches, matches and dispatches. They all involved family and therefore involved providing catering / a party for said family. It's what binds people together.

So I think that the bringing people together is important, but how fancy (or not) the event is is your call.

The interference by some that the big, massive wedding means a less successful marriage than a small, intimate affair is a bit off.

I know people that have had huge weddings and tiny, low budget quirky affairs and both have had shit marriages and vice versa.

The wedding means nothing but the celebration of the marriage, how you want to do it means nothing in my view and I'm knocking on 50 and have seen many marriages/divorces/second weddings.

I could have written this. Me and my DP are both quite socially awkward and shy and we both would hate the attention a wedding would bring but we both want to be married.
We cant decide between a vegas wedding or just a quick registry hall then a big party to celebrate at a later date.
it makes me sweat to think of a first dance or speeches ARGHHH
A wedding does not appeal to us at all!

@ItsuAddict a wedding is a public event. It sounds like you have issues if you found saying your vows in front of a couple of people 'excruciating'
Also if you don't want to go to a wedding, just turn the invite down. I'm sure the couple don't want you there judging them when all they've done is invite you for a meal, drinks and a party.

I've seen it all now, exchanging vows being compared to having sex 😂

I always wanted the big white wedding. By the time I met DH, I was living in a different country with only one parent still alive and no other family. I had friends but they weren’t close friends. Being a shy person, the reality of having to be center of attention kicked in and and I desperately wanted to elope ( and therefore didn’t enjoy the wedding planning the way I always thought I would) DH was not having it. Though neither of us are religious, we had a church wedding ( was never in my fantastic lol) to please his parents ).So truthfully, I felt I was spending all this money to please other people ( though yes, it’s DH wedding too and his family and friends meant something to him - where the guests to me were just guests, lovely guests mind you) It didn’t help I had a fussy, demanding bridal party who were also trying to boss me around. So we kept it small, it wasn’t the perfectionist wedding of my dreams.

Looking back on my wedding, it was alright. The best part was being married to my amazing DH. I’m looking forward to renewing my vows, just the two of us, no bridal powder, nobody else to please , on a beach and having some of the elements I didn’t have before due to costs.

I agree, weddings are hugely narcissistic. A colossal waste of money and the bride will get bitched about for her behaviour and choices. Someone will be pissed off because they weren’t invited or the level of invite received. I agree op. Weddings are crap. I’ve spent a fortune in my life attending weddings that the couple are now divorced.

Oops I meant it was never in my fantasy.

I agree with you totally OP.

Also my wedding was not about uniting two families. My family did not attend. My wedding was to legally get married - bare minimum legally required, then retire to the pub afterwards with some friends.

Weddings have a habit of turning people mad. I was engaged a few years back and ended up cancelling 6 months before as it had just spiralled out of control. I’d been forced into having exactly what ex-dp’s Family wanted and everything I wanted was sneered at. I can still remember the look on his mother’s face when I mentioned having piano music rather than an organ - not grand enough for her family! It was the same year my grandmother died and then my dad had a major stroke and ended up in a care home and barely knew who I was anymore. Huge stress - all his family did was demand which guests to invite and call me selfish for not taking his mother wedding dress shopping. Needless to say I lost it and told them all where to go. Broke up with ex shortly after.

Hoping to get married next year to dp and we will be having a low key wedding at the registry office followed by a small do on the top floor of a local country pub. Not an owl ring bearer in sight!

YANBU.

I stupidly got caught up in society's / MIL's expectations and had a much bigger wedding than I wanted. I wanted to go to the register office then celebrate somewhere small with a small group of people. I got pressurised into a big thing and it was absolutely awful for me on the day. Our three year old was super clingy, whinged at me all day, and I ended up driving him round in my wedding dress to try and get him to sleep (missing the lovely buffet). It cost £4k and I see it as wasted money.

I know myself better now and realise I don't really like big events with big crowds, I'm much better in smaller groups. I always hate going to other people's weddings too - especially as when my friends were getting married we had our baby / toddler with us and trying to keep small people quiet at formal events is just horrible.

In my opinion the whole wedding expectation has got out of hand - it's a huge industry, hotels, florists, dress shops etc just wanting your money. All that expensive 'stuff' has got nothing to do with love and the purpose of marriage.