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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think weddings are a bit pointless?

187 replies

RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 08:11

When I was younger I wanted a big white wedding, had lovely fantasies about walking down the aisle in something meringuey and being the centre of attention. However, the reality would have been me being absolutely terrified the entire time, not from the commitment, but from being looked at for a whole day.

I'm in my late twenties and a lot of friends are getting engaged and getting very excited about wedding things, and I just can't see the appeal.
It seems to be, for some of them, a very expensive way of being centre of attention for a day and a few friends have truly lost their minds, spending thousands and falling out with family etc.

I like the idea of marriage, but not a wedding. However most people seem to think I'm nuts.
If people genuinely want a big party, that's absolutely great and I hope they enjoy it but I just can't see how it's linked with spending the rest of your life with someone you love, rather it seems to be about putting on a good show?

Am I a huge big wedding scrooge for thinking this? I feel like a right weirdo when I read the wedding threads and see how bothered people get.

Before anyone flames me, I would never dream of putting someone down for their choices! I just simply don't "get it"

OP posts:
Bluelady · 23/03/2018 10:38

Preparing for the flames here but the big traditional weddings I really don't understand are when the couple have lived together for years and have children. A white meringue and veil in those circumstances just seems crass.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 10:40

I'm really very introverted so my mindset is that a relationship involves no one except the couple plus any children they may have.

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 23/03/2018 10:45

I love a good wedding.

But I don’t think think YABU to feel the way you do.

FaFoutis · 23/03/2018 10:47

YANBU
I can't understand it either. It's not even a fun party in my experience, every wedding I have been to felt like an expensive, boring, ordeal (not that I showed it). There are much better ways of blowing lots of money.
I got married with no guests at a registry office, cost £100. Did it for the legal stuff.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 10:50

One of my friends is spending £40,000 on hers.

That's a REALLY REALLY nice holiday. Or a fuck ton of penny sweets. Or, around here, a chunky house deposit.

I can think of a single thing I'd want enough to warrant spending it on a one day experience.

OP posts:
IVFNewbie · 23/03/2018 10:56

You don't need to 'get it' OP. You just need to understand that other people make different choices to you for their own reasons.

LoveInTokyo · 23/03/2018 11:10

RedSuitcase

That is surprisingly easy to do. We fell in love with the first venue we saw (which said £6,000 as the baseline price on their website). We knew we’d have to add in other costs like food and drink, a DJ and such, but there was no corkage, which we thought was great.

When we got all our quotes and added it up, we realised we were looking at £35k all in.

So we are doing something else and spending about half that. (Which is still a fair chunk of money but it isn’t giving me heart palpitations or sleepless nights just thinking about it.)

derxa · 23/03/2018 11:10

I'm really very introverted so my mindset is that a relationship involves no one except the couple plus any children they may have. That's you but some of us are massive extroverts like me and loved having a big do with friends and family. I loved being the centre of attention. I even made a speech at the reception. Married over 30 years.

KNain · 23/03/2018 11:12

I always find it strange on Mumsnet wedding threads how many people don't seem to like their friends and family very much.

When I go to a wedding I don't go to gaze adoringly at the couple all day and bask in their glorious love. But these are people I care about and something nice is happening for them so I am happy for them, and I enjoy celebrating with them. In the same way as I would be happy for a friend who has a baby/gets a promotion at work/gets a new home etc.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 23/03/2018 11:14

I like attending weddings. Everyone is usually so reserved all the time that two people standing in front of a room full of people and publicly promising to love each other for the rest of their lives makes me teary. I like that we value love enough to pause for a day and celebrate it.

I know a lot of marriages end badly but that doesn't take away from the hope that's there on the day.

LoveInTokyo · 23/03/2018 11:18

Agree, Caffeine. I always get a lump in my throat during the ceremony, and usually during the speeches as well. And if I know lots of people it’s a good chance to catch up with people I haven’t seen for ages, and if I don’t, I always end up meeting interesting people. I think it’s an honour to be invited to someone’s wedding.

ItsuAddict · 23/03/2018 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derxa · 23/03/2018 11:29

One of my friends is spending £40,000 on hers. What a nasty woman. She should have given it all to charity.

Thursdaydreaming · 23/03/2018 11:30

I was the opposite to you OP, I never wanted to have a wedding or dreamed of the "big day" but as I got older I changed my mind. It sounded fun, and I started thinking - why not. I didnt have a 21st,or a 30th or a graduation party. So why shouldn't I have one big party? I have an ok job and some money, so why shouldn't I treat my friends to food and an open bar? I'm not very good looking or stylish. So why shouldn't I have one day where I dress fancy and look great?

Yes it was just a party and just one day. But it was a fun party and a nice day.

We spent £10 000 but unlike a lot of people, I don't regret the amount, actually I wish I'd spent more on the day and made it more fancy.

For whatever reason, humans seem to get something out of participating in the traditions of their culture. Every culture around the world has some traditions and rituals that mark certain occasions in life, usually birth, marriage and death as pp said, and this is one of our traditions.

BTW the above is why I chose to have a wedding, not why I think others should or should want too.

PaulDacreRimsGeese · 23/03/2018 11:30

I'm really very introverted so my mindset is that a relationship involves no one except the couple plus any children they may have.

Some of us come from cultural and family backgrounds where that's completely nonsensical though. I mean, be as introverted as you want, but nowt to do with me is it?

goodbyeeee · 23/03/2018 11:49

Each to their own but the idea of a very public expression of my private feelings is my worst nightmare.

Original poster
RedSuitcase · 23/03/2018 11:52

For those getting snippy with me, where have I said that people shouldn't do it? I've actually said I wish that I want to. It'd lovely to be that excited about something.

OP posts:
SayCoolNowSayWhip · 23/03/2018 11:53

YANBU, I totally agree. I think £40,000 is a crazy amount of money to spend on one day.
We got married for about £2K all in, and I found the whole thing incredibly stressful - it was by no means the happiest day of my life. I felt a lot of pressure to have a certain type of wedding because relatives had had big fancy white weddings - but in reality I should have just gone with my gut and done what I wanted. As it happens my marriage is now falling apart but hey ho...

I love going to weddings, but more for seeing friends / family you don't otherwise often see, and for the social / party atmosphere.

OP you're definitely not unreasonable - I don't get it either.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 11:55

To be fair though you did title your thread "AIBU to think that weddings are pointless?"

To people that love a wedding or loved their own wedding - they're bound to come on that.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 11:56

The MN race to the bottom over weddings is boring, much more boring than even the biggest wedding itself, where you can have free wine and food and a good boogie. Everybody knows that you can make your wedding as low key or as lavish as you like, it's about personal preference and finances. So if you want a small do, have it, and if you want a big one, have that.

Starting sneery threads about how 'pointless' you find other people's choices is dull, dull, dull and really does make you look as though you want a big wedding but are scared that it might somehow contaminate you.

As for this 'oh no, I just really envy these people their ability to get so happy about something so shitty, I wish I were such a simple soul' bollocks....it's less becoming than a meringue dress with a 45 foot train.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 11:57

That's why I'm thinking OP that you really mean big massive expensive weddings (?)

Because a tiny ceremony with a few people there is still a wedding.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 11:59

PoorYorick you explained it so much better than me.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 12:00

That's why I'm thinking OP that you really mean big massive expensive weddings (?)

And if she does...so what? That's what those people wanted and could afford, why would anyone begrudge them?

I've been to big weddings and small weddings, and as long as I like the couple and they seem to be happy, they have all been grand. I sincerely enjoy weddings, always have done. Two people I love being happy and I get a free party, wine and food. What the hell is not to like?

The only times I've ever disliked weddings was when my own life was in the shitter and even then I knew the problem was with me, not the wedding.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 12:03

I agree with you Yorick!

I've attended big,small, boring, brilliant - some big expensive weddings have ended in divorce within a year, but so have some tiny 'alternative' ones or vice versa.

What I mean is, OP says 'weddings' in her title but she really means big, expensive weddings.

Trampire · 23/03/2018 12:04

Nothing wrong with big expensive weddings at all, I just think OP should say that instead of just 'weddings'