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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

326 replies

Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:20

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
GreenDiscovery · 16/03/2018 11:25

There's no way I would be happy with that but other women would be fine. If your DH has no time for you then one or two of his hobbies have to go unless he can do them whilst you're in work, doing your own hobby etc.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 16/03/2018 11:26

Does he act like a single man in other ways?

Travis1 · 16/03/2018 11:28

Nope not for me. Weekends are when we do stuff together, my DH has a season ticket for the local team and sometimes we travel to away matches, he goes to the game I go for coffee then we meet after for dinner or an overnighter. If we want to do something together and there happens to be a home game the same day our couple time takes precedence. I couldn't be with someone who prioritised a sport over our relationship

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:28

Thank you.

He's a good Dad but largely unaware of what is going on in their day to day lives unless I 'feed' it to him.

I feel so ridiculous and sad having to ask him to want to spend time with me. Clearly he doesn't...

OP posts:
LimonViola · 16/03/2018 11:28

There's no universal right or wrong wrt how people manage and prioritise their time in a relationship. All that matters is whether both parties are happy with it and are able to communicate and compromise.

You don't like it, why is that? Would would a more acceptable schedule look like to you? What are you doing when he's at his sports engagements?

How and when did you approach him to talk about your feelings about this?

QuiteLikely5 · 16/03/2018 11:28

It matters that you aren’t happy or feeling supported

Be clear on what he needs to do to make that happen

If he does nothing then you need to accept he doesn’t value your happiness in a meaningful way

Kintan · 16/03/2018 11:29

I would not be ok with that. Seems quite indulgent if it is at the expense of family life and you don’t have the same ‘time off’.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/03/2018 11:30

Well the answer is no to all that, as clearly you don't have the same level of downtime/fun time. He has at least four or five days out of seven? Err no.

Needy? When you spend no time together?

I would firstly suggest a rota where you timetable who is spending time with the children, who is having me-time/doing an activity for themselves, and who is doing domestic tasks. Is it equally split? If not - it needs to change.

Secondly I would suggest a serious chat where you tell him that if wanting to spend some time together makes you 'needy' - then clearly you don't have the same ideas about how marriage is supposed to work. Put bluntly, no you don't fancy being lonely in a marriage because the man you're with quite likes the idea of sharing the burden (trans: you do loads of life-facilitating shit) but isn't so keen on sharing the fun.

He wants to play sport all the time and not do anything with you? The bedsit for one is that way ---- : - I'm going to move on, mate.

HoppingPavlova · 16/03/2018 11:31

When does he do his share of the household chores, including necessary stuff for kids including carting them around to their extracurricular’s etc.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/03/2018 11:33

He's a good Dad but largely unaware of what is going on in their day to day lives unless I 'feed' it to him.

That's a direct contradiction.

No, he isn't a good Dad. That sounds more like a bloke who is nice and friendly to the children he happens to live with.

A dad is something quite different. Hint: he tends to know what's happening in their everyday lives, as he facilitates it, talks to them, actually interacts with them to the point he is aware of, and parenting them through, their day-to-day lives.

Wake up!

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:34

@LimonVola when he's out I'm doing work, washing, talking to our children... Usual, boring life stuff I suppose. I'm busy.

I don't dislike it as such. I want him to be happy. I suppose I'm just sad that he needs to be away from us/me so much.

I don't have similar time off. Not sure how that would work really... when I have time off work I want to spend it with DCs.

OP posts:
Dangerousmonkey · 16/03/2018 11:36

He acts like you're massively needy? That's a big manipulative tactic. He is not pulling his weight around the house/ family time/ admin etc and looks to be expecting everyone else to not give a damn.
Do you have a family calendar with everyone having a row? If you fill in such a thing with all his time how does that compare to others? The visual may help while he's trying to be so manipulative.

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:38

I don't want him to spend time with me out of obligation. That would feel spectacularly awful.

I sound so pathetic! I just need clarification on this. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Dangerousmonkey · 16/03/2018 11:38

There really should be equity in time to explore your own interests etc. That is fair as he's not picking up any work to make up for his self indulgent time then he's being a lazy self centered prick.

wildduckhunt · 16/03/2018 11:38

I wouldn't be happy with that either.

What's the housework/working hour split like?

Dangerousmonkey · 16/03/2018 11:39

Obligation? That sounds like he has alfeady done a number on you. He had children has a family. He TOOK ON THOSE OBLIGATIONS BY HIMSELF. Sorry to shout, but somethings really are just adult life.

Lethaldrizzle · 16/03/2018 11:41

Leave him to it and develop your own interests. Fuck him! Develop you own interests and just don't do houseworky type stuff when he's doing his hobbies. Make the most of your free time.

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:41

@FizzyGreenWater: "That sounds more like a bloke who is nice and friendly to the children he happens to live with".

That has resonated massively.

He's now not talking to me and is in another room as I complained/objected when he wouldn't let us attend Sport 3 until he "gets better at it".

OP posts:
Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:43

@LethalDrizzle "Leave him to it and develop your own interests. Fuck him! Develop you own interests and just don't do houseworky type stuff when he's doing his hobbies. Make the most of your free time"

I know I need to do this, you're 100% right. Just not sure how...

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 16/03/2018 11:44

I'm sorry but if he doesn't know what is happening with his dc without you telling him and he doesn't want to spend time as a family, he's neither a good dad or husband.
I couldn't live like this.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/03/2018 11:45

How long is he out for on Saturday/Sunday? I guess it’s likely to be cycling.

My DH is out Tuesdays, Saturday and Sunday mornings. He’s always done sport and I don’t care he does it because it’s so important to him. In general, I think people should be supportive of their oh hobbies, especially once the children are older and need less hands on care.

But if it’s a problem for you then it’s a problem. There must be a compromise you can come to.

DameFanny · 16/03/2018 11:47

Ask him if he still wants to be part of the family, and what he plans to do to demonstrate that if so

Stop enabling him to check out from family life - separate out his laundry, so you're not washing 5 loads of sports gear a week; don't put sports drinks, protein crap etc on the family shopping; volunteer him for family taxi duty evenings and weekends

Take up your own hobby and insist that he makes time for it - even just going to the cinema on your own is fantastically rewarding

Look at the family finances - how much are all his hobbies costing you?

SlowDown76mph · 16/03/2018 11:48

So... that means Wednesday and Friday are yours ... and either a Saturday or Sunday depending .... or both to compensate if has had both the week before ... right?

AthenaAshton · 16/03/2018 11:49

Okyep, on the positive side, it is a good thing that you want to spend time with him; it's just a question of how you can make it happen (he may just be a Dense Male who feels completely happy and secure in your marriage and doesn't realise that you'd like to see a bit more of him). If my XH had developed a hobby that took him out of the house for any time at all, I'd have been jumping for joy.

I also think it's possible to be a good dad, and not necessarily be involved in the minutiae of your children's lives. My dad was (is) the most brilliant dad on the planet, but he wouldn't have had a clue who our friends were, what A levels we were doing, etc.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/03/2018 11:49

YANBU

My exh was similar and it only got better once I divorced him.

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