Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

326 replies

Okyep · 16/03/2018 11:20

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 16/03/2018 12:49

He's married to you on Paper only Flowers

NewYearNewMe18 · 16/03/2018 12:49

Weds: Both of you spend the evening chatting over glss of wine in kitchen

No one, absolutely no one IRL does this ! Only in 'Friends' and other Amercanese soaps

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 12:49

Good to hear you enjoy the job.....hang onto it. Sounds like that does constitute something for the YOU pot.

sanasa · 16/03/2018 12:50

He won't let you watch until he gets better Hmm
Seems a bit odd?
I'm sorry you're going through this

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 12:52

Thank you all.

@lostlemon @FizzyGreenWater you speak a lot of sense and have given me a lot think about.

@Tinkobell I am still very much attracted to him.

@lalalalyra I can't do this sport, no. It's a team sport for men.

OP posts:
ohfortuna · 16/03/2018 12:54

You could walk away at any moment and what you would take with you - because you are it and it is you - is the family, the heart
Indeed you are The Golden Goose giving away your eggs for free, he thinks the Goose belongs to him, doesn't occur to him that the Goose might pack up and leave him

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 12:55

Excellent. You've got many good things - Job AND a non repulsive husband! 😀
Tell him you can't get no satisfaction .....unless he's around for at least 45 mins twice a week!!

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 12:55

@FizzyGreenWater honestly? I think he'd be fine. His mother would be delighted and would support him. He is a far better cook than me. Realistically I bring very little to this marriage other than cleaning and parenting. He even earns more than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 12:56

I am definitely not the Golden Goose.

OP posts:
Lookatmenow · 16/03/2018 12:56

so would I tell him I'm reading a book in a cafe? Or just say I'm going 'out'?

I see this as counter productive, the whole wanting to spend time with him but then when given the chance "get youself out of there to teach him a lesson" just seems bizzare

And i agree with another poster about sharing a glass of wine mid week is american story soaps.

A PP who said that whilst she is watcing TV her DH maybe tinkering with stuff in the shed, pottering about the home doing stuff - this is still being within close proximity with eachother to chat in passing, make a brew, share 10 mins here and there - HE is not out of the house chatting with his mates having drinks

dontticklethetoad · 16/03/2018 12:56

I picked up on the same paragraph as lalalalyra but for different reasons.
That would ring alarm bells for me, but I am a bit neurotic.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 16/03/2018 12:57

Weds: Both of you spend the evening chatting over glss of wine in kitchen
No one, absolutely no one IRL does this

sorry to disappoint, but ahem.. yes, people do that. How is that SO strange?

ohfortuna · 16/03/2018 12:57

Does he want to go from married man to mummy's boy?
Would his mother be washing his kit for him?

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/03/2018 12:59

I agree with everything greenfizzywater has said. This man is not the boss of you. You are an intelligent, capable woman married to a selfish man who doesn't care about his family.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/03/2018 13:01

But - the parenting is everything, really.

Cooking? Bwah hah. You can still feed everyone, yes? - I assume you've been doing exactly that for years, with him given time to play around in the kitchen and have yet more fun time?

Let his mother be delighted. She possibly wouldn't be when she realises that the structure of the family, and her own future time spent with her grandchildren, works entirely independently of her son and that he is entirely incidental to the process. She would, incidentally, be in a far weaker position here than if you'd divorced when they were little, when he'd actually have contact, have to step up - it's too late for that now. His mother might quickly find that things don't pan out the way she assumes, and that no she does not see more of her son, unless she wants to stand at a touchline or go to his flat and wait for him to show up after games drinks - and that, as he doesn't see much of his children either, she doesn't get to see them at all once you're not there to manage it...

Tinkobell · 16/03/2018 13:02

I don't really grasp why you have a low self opinion? It's a real shame. Does he love you? If he does love you, then of course he would NOT be fine without you, you nutcase!!! Sounds like you need a big dose of his time and a lot of nice words from him. He's had his head stuck up his own arse for too long!!!

Lookatmenow · 16/03/2018 13:04

bluemsartie and what does she do about that? Leave him? because all i can read from OP's post's is that she loves him and just wants him to want to spend time with her and family and the thought of leaving is a non starter (at present)

IloveJudgeJudy · 16/03/2018 13:05

Oh, OP, it makes me sad to read your last post. Your self-esteem has taken a real knock, hasn't it? Who cares how much you earn? From all your posts I can see that you are definitely the pivot around which the whole family revolves. If you are talking about earnings, what about the value that you bring by doing the running of the household, let alone the priceless value that you bring by knowing and supporting your DC.

I think that if you start to value yourself more, then others will, too.

It also sounds as if your MIL has not been particularly supportive of your marriage. Is that a part of the problem, too?

I would explain to your family, not singling out your DH unless you want to, that you just need to go and visit your friend for the weekend as you're feeling a bit unappreciated, but don't prepare anything before you go. Good luck with whatever you decide.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/03/2018 13:06

And money - assets would be split. Currently, you and the children would be 'the package' that requires most of them. That will change as they get older. But now is the time when potentially you could stay where you are, with them, while you build your career back up a bit more.

Money is not everything.

It's also so, so much not about 'bringing things' to the marriage. He brings nothing to an actual marriage - if he did, this thread wouldn't exist. The really important things, the reasons people get married - he doesn't seem to understand them, even.

Yes you would have less money. Yes it would be stressful. No, the children would be fine as he hardly bothers with him. His mother would have a shock and end up far less involved with any of you than she suspects. He would end up the loser, you would have what you brought to the marriage - an honest, loving person who actually values her family.

whoareyoukidding · 16/03/2018 13:06

I am so sorry akyep it certainly wasn't my intention to upset you.

Original poster
Okyep · 16/03/2018 13:07

Thank you all. I don't know. I feel so ancient and yet it feels so high school - trying to get his interest and be interesting. I don't think I have the energy!

I am going to mull over and read over the wise words here. I appreciate all of you replying to me as I don't really have people I can talk to in real life about this.

OP posts:
whoareyoukidding · 16/03/2018 13:07

I also do agree with fizzy, I agree with a lot that has been said on here.

allthedogs · 16/03/2018 13:08

He does not bring more to the marriage than you op. You do the hard stuff. The raising of children and housework and trying to maintain some bond with him. He does sweet fuck all for your marriage.

Fuck that for a joke. I'd move to where my friends are, divorce him and have some fun. He can rearrange his hobbies if he wants to see his kids, since they won't be so easily available to him anymore.

You're worth more than this. What you are asking for is very basic, it's really not much.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/03/2018 13:08

But to just acknowledge what lookatme just says in reply to bluesmartie there - above is all hypothetical. No it does not sound as if OP is even thinking of leaving. So just replying as 'devils' advocate' to what OP says about how 'little' she brings and how she undervalues herself, really.

Not saying OP should move from this point to thinking of leaving. But - ultimately, to go back to the very beginning - you can't make someone want to spend time with you and basically be a different person, and you cannot live as OP describes forever without being utterly miserable, so...

RatherBeRiding · 16/03/2018 13:09

I'm with redpony but the clues are in our user names. However, it's less a hobby and more a way of life and my DP knew that from the beginning. There are a hell of a lot of horse widowers in my world who are all presumably OK with their OH's being at the stables every single day and out at competitions a lot of weekends. Some come along for the ride, some don't.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with your partner having a time consuming hobby - heaven forbid we should have to spend all our free time with our partners. The issue comes when the non-hobby person objects. The problem you then have is that if hobby-person feels they have to give up hobby time to be with non-hobby person, they will be resentful. If they don't give up hobby time, then non-hobby person will be resentful!

The only forward is compromise. And that's something that will only happen if you have a frank conversation about what compromise might look like, and what might happen if there is no compromise.

Compromise might include non-hobby person developing their own hobby.

Swipe left for the next trending thread