DH's schedule. Please give me your thoughts...

[Okyep]

This is DH's current schedule:

Monday: Sport 1
Tuesday: Sport 2
Thursday: Sport 3
Saturday/Sunday alternate or both according to schedule: Sport 3

Out children are teenagers but still require input/time. We both work full-time. We don't do anything together. I am fucked off as Sport 3 is a new thing. He thinks I am massively unreasonable/needy.

Who IBU?

How would this schedule be instead?

Mon: You Hobby 1, Him Sport 1
Tues: You fun with kids, Him Sport 2
Weds: Both of you spend the evening chatting over glss of wine in kitchen
Thu: You Hobby 2, Him Sport 3
Fri: The two of you go out together
Sat morning: You Sport 1
Sat afternoon: Him Sport 3
Sun morning: You meet up with mates
Sun afternoon: whole family goes swimming

You don't have to force him to spend time with you; you could, for instance, see what's on on a day when he's free and ask if you should get tickets for it. Or say you want to go out to the new restaurant on Friday night if he's OK with it.Or that you've got a lovely bottle of wine and would really like to talk to him about X in the kitchen tonight with the TV off for a change. Or that you really fancy going out for a dance and has he got any good ideas for where you could go?

If he doesn't want to go along with you even when you're suggesting good, specific things he should like to do with his wife or family then you're well within your rights to complain or change something that you can control without his input.

We do:

Mon - my sport
Tue - his sport
Wed - my sport
Thurs - none
Fri - his sport (summer only)
Sat - none
Sun - his, finished by 1 and will give it a miss if we want a whole day out, but that's unlikely as both DCs do sports in the afternoon anyway.

However, we will both give up ours if the other or a DC has a more pressing commitment that clashes (the DCs do a lot of sports/hobbies too). And we are all home by 9 on any given night, so we still see each other after that. We also make a lot of effort to spend time with the DCs (also teens), taking them to their clubs, watching sports, theatre, just going shopping and cooking together.

Really it's all about give and take, we quite often get clashes but because I do sports too it doesn't always fall to me to ferry the DCs about. It does tend to be me who minds the calendar and alerts him to clashes, but he pulls his weight with the actual going to things.

I tend to think you really do need your own hobbies, and they need to be out of the house so they don't just get shoved to one side all the time. It doesn't have to be sport, maybe exercise classes, a choir, a knitting or photography club, anything that takes your interest. I follow various local FB pages and groups, they are a great way to find out what is going on in your community that you might like to get involved in.

@FizzyGreenWater there is such wisdom in your post. Although it hurts, I know you're right. I just don't know how to make that leap from 'pick me, pay attention to me' needy twit to the independent woman I know I need to be.

It doesn't help that my job is temporary, contracted until the end of the year. It's unsettling. Everything feels fragile...

You are quite right, I am only going to get unhappier. I need to draw a line in the sand! I always cave to keep the peace though.

I'd be quite glad to have a husband who has sports as a hobby. Mine wastes hours looking at crap on the computer and drinking too much.

Frankly this applies to the majority of the posters on this forum.

chores should be split 50/50 - and the old advice of getting a cleaner is not a bad one to be honest.

It's only 3 evenings a week and a Sunday. It doesn't sound that much, I would not be too comfortable if my DH was trying to regulate my free time.

Would your DH still be flexible over the weekends? Would you have to cancel any plans, never go away or having friends around, or will he just be at his hobby when you have nothing else scheduled? That's the all difference.

I think sport and being in shape is hugely important to your health and well being. I would be annoyed if my DH was spending 4 evenings a week in a pub, but doing sport or studying, would be fine by me!

I don't believe it's a healthy life to work full time, and never do any exercise, 3 or 4 times a week is highly recommended. Your DH just need to show that he's flexible, he doesn't take you for a cleaner and you can still have weekends away as you did before (or weekends ferrying the teens to various competitions, parties or whatever outings they have, being a parent = being a taxi!)

ANCHOR - maybe the use of the word "bored" was incorrect and i don't look at hime to keep me entertained, but i do look at him to be my friend and want to spend time with me.

I've had this onging struggle with my DH for quite a number of years OP and last year was the first time he listened and it was when i asked if he thought we were best friends, he said yes and i said i don't think he's being a very good one then - he had a think about it and came back and agreed and started to put more effort in with US

I also try and make sure at least once a month we go out as a couple, jsut the two of us to eat/drink and also once a month with the kids as a family day out (so to speak - which is hard with teenagers and their agendas/friends) and try and fill my mid week up with gym classes and anything other than housework i can think off

Absolutely not. I think I’d say I’m too upset to discuss why he doesn’t want to spend any time with his family , but I’m not his domestic servant , and fuck off to a friends for a week and tell him he’s been the dcs parent for x years , he had better be able to manage.

NewYearNewMe Yeah, but only working time :)

Is he training for a triathlon?
and do you also have three time consuming all encompassing hobbies? I hope so 😁

@Tinkobell I do the laundry so I wash his kit (like a mug).

My other half and I are both very sporty and we train together whenever we can, would that work for you?

I wouldn't be washing his kit or doing anything to facilitate his hobbies

@timeisnotaline I am considering this. I really miss a friend who has recently moved away and she has said the door is always open...

The DC would suffer though... He does not do the ferrying around, school drop-offs etc.

You say you want him to spend time with you, but what do you actually want to do during that time?

If he's active and you, for example, just want to flop on the sofa, I can see why he'd rather be out doing his hobbies.

And for the love of God tell him to wash his own stinky kit!

It depends what the sport is and the length of time. If it is a quick hour's swim of 59 lengths or so then home it is less annoying than a whole day at cricket.

@ohfortuna sadly I am not sporty. I go to the gym to keep fit around the DC's schedule.

martyr alert

Stop washing his kit! He should be doing all his own laundry and ironing as you work full time. Start planning outings on your own away from him at the weekend (even if it means sitting drinking coffee in a cafe with a book) so that you are not so available. I think once you start to detach from him a bit you will see that you don't need him and won't miss him if the marriage ends.

I don't want to flop on the sofa, no.

I'd like to talk, go to the cinema, go to the gym, eat, go for a walk, spend time together... that kind of thing. I'd do anything really....

I also don't think this is about you going out more on the nights he's in. How is it a family if you still never see each other as both of you are tag teaming being the one at home?

Either he wants to be part of the family or he doesn't.

Tough one. Some men just love sport. Like, it's the other woman in their life. I'd be pissed if my other half was off sporting quite so frequently. Maybe you need to arrange some dates in advance.

The flip side, mind you, is that he'll end up the lonely one - especially if you divorce.

Your children are growing up seeing him as kind of optional when it comes to close emotional bonds. They'll grow up, have families of their own - it's an unknown to what extent they'll bother to relate to him when that happens, because he hasn't been much of a dad. At the same time, he'll get older, his sports and activities will slow up and stop, and he'll suddenly look around him and think, oooh, hang on.

Then what? He will suddenly look to you to provide conversation, information about the lives of his own children and their children, to involve him and shoehorn him back in to the relationships you took their lifetimes to build -once again, to carry him. The men who stayed married get this, the ones who pushed it too far, and divorced - that's when a lot of them really suffer, when they realise they're alone.

Men like this are users, basically.

You don't seem to want to answer those of us who are asking how long he spends on his hobby each night. I actually don't think it's ridiculously selfish to spend, say, an hour a night 3 x a week on your own stuff. Perhaps the problem is more that he doesn't engage with you all when he is home.

@Bluesmartiesarebest so would I tell him I'm reading a book in a cafe? Or just say I'm going 'out'?

Differently to him, I realise the DC are close to moving out, so I want to be there for them and spend time with them.

Sounds like a self centred pillock

OP I am all about sport, but that's not the only thing in life if you are really not interested.

What would you like to do? You don't have to do anything, but if you are bored, you need to. There are so many classes, book clubs, crafts, studying, choirs, charity work, tutoring, cake making. I don't know you, so I can't advise you, but you are allowed your own time.

My view is that the more I do on the side, the more I have to talk about with my DH. Ideally, we would do the same things, but he hates my sports and I hate his, and we have totally different hobbies.